For a lot of us feeling “unloved” is probably one of the biggest sadness generating factor, it can even lead to stark depression or imbalanced behaviors of frustration. Also, there some of people who don’t really feel “unloved”, in fact they may get a lot attention from the outside, but feel a lack of that real connection that they long for. Life by itself is a relationship between the physical and the non-physical aspects of this one conscious energy, the non-physical life-energy knows itself through the mirror of physicality – the physical is the beloved of the non-physical energy (its love child). I am not being poetic here, it’s such an obvious truth of life that it’s totally in love with itself, it’s an innocent selfishness, because life is all there is so it has only itself to love and all its physical expressions are ultimately in service to its own self-realization and self-appreciation, though the mind’s limited thinking cannot, sometimes, see this evident truth especially when it’s agitated about the perceived negativity of life. (You can read this post – The value of negativity, to get a sense of life’s perspective in creating a mind that’s capable of negativity).
Since you are the same life-energy you have the characteristics of this energy, and one of them is the desire for a “relationship” that allows for self-appreciation and self-realization. The problem is that most of us go after “outside” relationships first, before starting a love relationship with ourselves – the relationship of self-realization/appreciation that you seek has to first happen within you, with your “self” by yourself. The non-physical aspect of you (the space of being or space of awareness) has to bring love to the physical aspect of you (the mind/body), and this love is what you deeply desire more than anything else, and in the absence of this self-love you can keep trying to find “love”, outside, as much as you want but you can’t really find it – it’s just a scientific deal that you can’t find outside what you lack inside.
The search for love ends with finding yourself
Humans seek love, from the outside, in various forms, such as
– Seeking love from an intimate partner
– Seeking love from parents, friends and relatives
– Seeking love from a “divine” image/presence (in the form of a external God)
– Seeking love from a hobby/career, or body of work
– Seeking love from the society/community
The basic reason why most humans never find the love they desire is because they try to find it by “renouncing” themselves in some way, or by trying to “change” themselves in some way. You’ve heard the protagonist lover, in the movies, make a solemn commitment stating – “I promise I will change myself for you, to get your love”, and such a relationship may have a happy ending in the movies but in reality it spells an inevitable break-up, or a stressful relationship. If your motivation to change yourself is to get someone’s love, you are already a prisoner to their approval of you and such a mindset always ends in a desperate neediness. Another way of “renouncing” yourself is by placing yourself at an inferior level to your object of love – it’s called placing your beloved on a pedestal, here you basically act more like a slave than as a lover. People in spiritual circles are no different in that they try to renounce their mind/body (its desires) for the sake of communing (finding love) with the divine, if you ever meet such people, and have some awareness, you can sense an energy of suppression, in them, which is repelling.
If you have to suppress your natural make-up in order to seek someone’s love, it’s already doomed to failure. Your suppression by itself creates an energy of negativity in you which can manifest as neediness, over-sensitivity, over-possessiveness, desperation and even hatred towards your object of love for making you feel so enslaved. Secondly, if you are “trying” to be in love with someone out of a need for security, or for the fear of being lonely (fear of being single), this again leads to a loveless relationship because your motivation for the relationship is for all the wrong reasons. Also, when you have a lack-based mindset, you learn to “compromise” on what you really desire in your partner and try to “adjust” to, somehow, make it work and soon end up burying your feelings/desires, thus living an empty life – you even console yourself by believing that this is the “reality” of life, that you can’t always find what your heart desires.
When you are out to find love you are already working on a wrong premise, because you can’t find what you lack. A lot of spiritual teachings talk of finding love within, this is again misinterpreted by the mind and it starts seeking some “feeling” of love through spiritual practices, meditations or mystical experiences. But the pointer of “find love within” is not for you to find a temporary feeling/experience of love within you, but about bringing love to yourself, to your mind by letting go into your space of being. Who you are, as life-energy, is already unconditional love and when you allow your mind to rest in your space of being it’s touched by this love. So instead of finding love outside you fall into the love of your own being. To put it in simple words, just let go of trying to find love, also let go of trying to love yourself as an efforted practice (because all of it becomes a mind strategy), and just allow yourself to relax in this space of silence outside the mind (the practice of relaxed awareness connects you with this space), this space automatically brings a permanent feeling of inner wholeness/love.
It can take sometime before you can really start feeling the “love” present in this space outside the mind, the space your life-stream/being (usually a few months of connecting with your space of being). And, it takes time for this space to feel permanent. The reason it takes time is because initially the mind has such a strong cloud of negativity that it does not allow you to “sense” the vibration of love inherent to your being. However, when you become connected with this source of love you inherently realize that you are no longer needy of an outside love (this realization is not a passing thought but a permanent knowing) and this is when you really start looking at relationships in a new light, you understand that it was never supposed to be about “seeking” but about “sharing” yourself – also, you realize that an intimate relationship was never about seeking love or possessing someone, it’s about sharing your experience of life with someone who can feel what you feel, who can meet you deeply enough to understand the way you experience life, and you can’t live such a relationship until you first understand yourself in the light of the unconditional love of your own being.
How love operates in the mind
If love feels painful that’s because the mind infiltrates it with grief, fear or hatred. Love in its truest form is free of pain, the grief is always felt when your mind perceives a “loss” of love, and the neediness is always felt in an attempt to prevent the loss. The mind can’t help but grieve for loss, it’s part of the mind’s design (it’s also biological that the mind has to bring down a lot of neural pathways in response to the loss, and this “deconstruction” is felt physically as the sensation of pain). The grief of the mind can feel overwhelming to you if you already have a huge load of “pain” (negativity) within you from your past store-up, plus if your mind has a strong momentum it keeps recycling the thoughts of loss, at a fast pace, creating a sense of depression – there is no space of relief, and this can create a lot of resistance to the harmony of your body and external reality.
The mind, on its own, will always have a hard time with relationships. It either gets too clingy or it gets too cold, it either gets needy or it gets distant, it either gets over-excited (at the prospect of getting love) or gets into a depression (at the prospect of losing love). Unless you have a connection with your space of being you will always find yourself in a “shaky” ground, and this instability becomes highly pronounced when you end up in an intimate relationship. A lot of us try to avoid “intimate relationships” for this reason, and try to go for “lukewarm” relationships (surface-level), in a bid to play it safe – the mind will do anything to keep itself from feeling hurt, even if it means sticking to a totally incompatible relationship if it gives some sense of pseudo-security. It’s only when you become grounded in your space of being that you find an inner stability that’s free of the influence of mind movement – this is when you become a free being. By “free” I don’t mean reckless or careless or irresponsible, but someone who is no longer a prisoner to the mind’s responses/reactions.
By “self love” I am not talking about the narcissistic love of a “bloated” mind, which is a highly egoic love for oneself created from a feeling of superiority over others – this is again something a mind is capable of. People who have such “bloated” minds never find the warmth of true love, what they always feel is a sense of hatred towards the outside, in some way, out of a feeling of superiority – of course, the sense of superiority is always rooted in a fear of inferiority, so they are never at ease with the world. By “self love” I mean knowing the love inherent to your space of being/self or your source nature outside the mind, and bringing this love to the mind by resting in this space of being – this love is what inevitably starts shining through in your expression in the form of creativity or connection.
It’s not about becoming “all loving”, neither is it about trying to make yourself loving – all of this becomes a mind strategy, and it will just make you a “fake” person. When you truly find a grounding in your space of being, you bring a total alignment/acceptance to your mind without resistance of judgment, and this allows your mind to express itself, as per its natural make-up, in full freedom – it will not make your mind all-loving, if your mind is dark natured it will not become light natured, if your natural makeup is to be introverted you will not become extroverted; what will happen is that you will express your natural makeup in an aligned manner, thus becoming fully true to your natural expression. As you can see, unconditional love comes from your space of being towards your physical aspect (the mind/body) and this allows an alignment with yourself. This alignment is what attracts an aligned relationship(s) on the outside, which just becomes a mirror reflecting your inner congruence and thus a source of joy for you.
Great article. It literally spoke me! Sen I have been thinking about the going-ons in my life and feeling the last 2 years have been heavy on me and right now i am going through some serious stuff – with my husband being hospitalized for bipolar disorder, bills to pay, child to take care off,legal issues etc. I am handling it all with good presence, for which I owe you a big thanks. I am not working currently and we are a pay cheque to pay cheque people and i have fears on how I am going to maintain our family and unsure of my marriage but I am naturally trusting life to take care of us. In this time of darkness, I feel good that light is shining on me and illuminating the darkess of some aspects of my life and thus helping me/us address them.
I realise i need to bring/feel light and joy within me and this article came at a great time! If any pointers please guide me on how to sense resistance within me and how to let them go so i navigate this period with awareness.
many thanks.
Amazing article! Thank you Sen!
Nice post sen….. Thanks!
What you say is very true…I’ve had this same form of thinking for some years, but believe me, for a young guy, it is strange to be mature. Most people are afraid to think this way and afraid to grow mature. People feel that if you are more mature than the ‘majority’/ their social circle/ group, you won’t fit in. Again, this can be easily resolved by realizing one’s true self as being more than part of a group or society, and as being one’s individual natural self. It is important to realize that when we try to fit in, we are actually seeking external validation from our peers. It’s okay to realize your true self, for ultimately, others’ opinions (about whether you fit in or not) are just thoughts. You can choose not to fuel these thoughts by paying them no attention and live a peaceful life.
While all your posts are highly useful and practical, people are intrinsically afraid of maturity and learning beyond the accepted norm. Something they should get over in their self-realization before they can start applying what’s in your many posts.
Absolutely excellent article!
As one continues on journey, different parts of the write-ups speak to you, provide assurances, articulate what you might be feeling. You do rock SEN
I like your blog a lot!After 6 1/2 months reading your blog and coming to a more balanced state, I feel it is much easier now to allow all my emotions and feelings. Both positive and negative.
I have two questions. I have had an on and off relationship with a man for about 1 1/2 years. First we had strong feelings for each other,then he said that he wouldn’t be with me anymore and I was really sad. At the time I struggled with love self esteem and lack of self love. I constantly had negative thoughts about myself. After awhile he contacted me againg and said that he had feelings for me and that he loved me. We are not together. Everytime we meet I unearth different issues I struggle with. It can be neediness, jealousy etc. And I stay allowing of the feelings that come up. Feels like there is a reason he is in my life. But I do feel hurt sometimes too, but the feelings usually dissapears easily when I’ allowing. I feel like its getting easier and easier to be around him. And he is much more affectionate and caring towards me now. Can a relationship change between two people when one person change internally? Or should I leave him because of the negative feelings that arise? I feel like I learn about myself when I’m with him. I’m not afraid of the dark feelings that arise anymore. I have been seing a therapist for almost 3 years who have been helping me gain self love and confindence. My therapist says I shouldn’t see him at all.
This blog has been a tremendously help just after 6 months.
One other question. Does it take 6-8 months after you are stable in your being to see your desires manifest?
MB, once you start sensing an inner stability (as inner wholeness starts becoming more n more grounded/permanent), you feel a sense of fearlessness towards “living”, towards life as whole. This sense of fearlessness is a resistance-free state of being, and its the perfect ground for being open to living a life aligned with the intelligence of your life-stream, moving from a place of inner inspiration and experiencing synchronicity – that’s when you start living your desired reality.
Your relationship, presently, is just a platform that’s allowing a certain growth, and unearthing certain resistances/fears within you that you need to face/release. So it’s serving a purpose. Also, this relationship can be something that stays with you even after you’ve achieved the required growth, in which case it’s in alignment with your wholeness. If it dissolves, that means its served its purpose and it’s no longer compatible with your present growth, in which case you will attract a different relationship.
Sen, I started reading your blog just 2-3 days ago… the understanding you have developed towards life is really magnificent and I am so glad to have been able to learn all this here, it will take a lot of time indeed to shed my withered self and turn up as a new being in the light of this awakening. I just wanted to convey that I am very glad and thankful to you, for sharing this with us. 🙂 Thank You Sen, you are doing wonderful work.
Firstly i would like to thank you for writing this article! This indeed is one of the best things i have ever read ! I can’t describe how i felt when i read this, it’s just that everything felt right..
Thanks once again !