A lot of us go through life feeling needy of affection, approval and attention from others. This causes us to focus on the “outside” while disconnecting with our inner space of being.
Neediness always arises from lack based thinking and a self-critical mindset.
People who are self-critical are usually always seeking approval and affection outside themselves and hence end up becoming “needy” in their behavior. Also, a lack based mindset causes people to think that they need to “cling” to someone because they feel that life will not bring in new/better relationship if they let go of this one.
Neediness is a highly toxic mindset and it immediately makes your point of attraction to be rooted in lack.
Overcoming neediness is all about letting go of viewing life from the lens of lack and developing the mindset of self-love through self-alignment.
The toxicity of a mindset of neediness
The vibration of neediness is so toxic that it can easily attract negativity in all aspects of your life.
You may feel needy in a relationship but this vibration of neediness has the capacity to attract lack in other aspects of your life like your finance or health. Law of attraction is simply responding to your vibrational stand point and when “neediness” is at the helm of your vibration it gets you rooted towards attracting a lack-based reality not just in the aspect you are focused on but also on other aspects of your life.
You will notice that a person who is rooted in neediness, with respect to his/her personal relationship, would also be manifesting realities of lack with respect to his/her career, finance or health in some way or the other.
If you are honest within yourself, you can easily identify the pattern of “needy” thoughts arising in your mind. Be authentic and see if you are being needy in your behavior towards your partner (or any person you seek to build a relationship with). Neediness is most prominent in relationships because most people are needy of affection, approval and attention – it could be a relationship with your parents, friends or your love-interest (spouse or intimate partner).
Most people who end up in several failed relationships (going through bitter break ups or separations) are usually the ones who are rooted in a mindset of neediness when it comes to love or attention. A needy person fails to recognize that their neediness is suffocating, and feels toxic, to their partner (or any sentient being) and thus they can’t quite understand why their partner starts distancing himself/herself. It’s normal for a human being to feel repelled by the vibration of neediness in another human.
We inherently feel repulsed when we sense someone being needy of our attention or affection, and yet we sometimes go ahead and depict the same behavior with our close ones.
Relationship is not about satisfying your neediness
A lot of people look at an intimate relationship as a vista through which they can fulfill the “incompleteness” that they feel within themselves.
They want their partner to fulfill them and thus feel completely justified in being “dependent” on their partner’s attention and affection. This dependence can feel good for a while but soon enough it would start suffocating the partner involved.
The reason why a lot of relationships that start off with a lot of passion seem to become highly toxic in sometime is because most humans cannot tolerate an overdose of dependence (emotional or physical) from anyone for long. Unfortunately a lot of people mistake their neediness for their “passion” or love. They feel they are being passionate towards their partner when in truth they might just be “possessive”, needy and overly dependent.
Feeling complete in yourself
The best relationships get attracted when you are rooted in a sense of “fulfillment” within yourself.
When you feel “complete” in yourself, you will always attract a partner who reflects this sense of abundance back at you. When you fully accept yourself as you are, you will always attract a partner who will accept you fully and would align with you in a way that serves your growth and well-being.
The paradox is that in order to attract a happy relationship you first need to be happy/fulfilled with yourself – actually this is the secret to attracting any form of abundance into your life.
The only way one can align with a harmonious external reality is by dis-identifying with the mindset of neediness. When you observe your mind it will be quite clear that neediness is just a “thought pattern” and it’s really your choice whether you want to bestow your attention/belief/interest to these thought or if you would rather align with thoughts of abundance.
Your present reality is the way it is because of your present mindset.
If your present reality is rooted in lack, its time you started letting go of elements/thought-patterns in your mind that are attracting this unwanted experiences into your reality. Neediness is the most toxic thought pattern that most people are rooted in and letting go of it is essential to allowing the influx of harmony and abundance in one’s reality.
Awesome! Absolute truth.
Sen, I have taken the liberty to post several of your articles on my Facebook page. I always include the link to your website. If I decided/decide to excerpt, I always include your name and/or link.
With great appreciation,
Christie
Thanks for sharing these posts Christie
Just found your website!!! Sums up everything i have been trying to sum up and much more, thank you 😀 I will share this 😀
From what i gather, you mean to say that in a case of infatuation, the object of infatuation gets repelled from you because of your inordinate display of neediness of that person? am i right?
Exactly, neediness always leads to rejection of some form and to be “obsessed” with someone is a strong pattern of neediness in the mind.
In furtherance to what i asked u, how does one get rid of such obsessive thoughts?
The more mature your mind is the less tendencies it has of being “obsessed” with anything. By “mature” I simply mean a mind which is not holding any narrow perception but is aligned with the broader reality, understanding life at a depth and understanding it’s own truth – in fact, a mature mind is basically an enlightened mind, which is no longer holding on to a deluded vision of reality. There is a natural movement towards deeper and deeper maturity as your life progresses, some people don’t align with this natural movement and stay stuck in their narrow thinking while some become allowing of this inner transformation allowing their human consciousness to become more expanded and mature.
One of the hallmarks of immaturity in a mind is that it associates “extra ordinariness” with something/someone and obsesses about it. Such a mind creates some totally deluded imaginations about reality and thus gets infatuated with an object by creating extra-ordinary projections around it. It’s common for an immature mind to associate “neediness” with love, and cite statements like “I can’t live without you” or “you the center of my life” or “I am incomplete without you” – none of this is love, all of these are expression of “neediness” present in an immature mind – the “you” in these statements can be a person, material possession or spiritual images/god figures. A mature mind understands the deep ordinariness of life, the simplicity of the Now moment and it sees through the delusion that something/someone can fulfill you in any permanent way. Such a mind loses its craving but it also becomes allowing of life, and moves inspired by the flow of its life stream. Some spiritual people let go of worldly craving and try to become a “Recluse” – but that’s just another form of immaturity, where you go from one extreme to another. A mature mind always moves in a “balance” because it has seen through all the “tricks” of thoughts.
So if you want to be rid of obsessions, you need to move into deeper maturity by deepening in “awareness” of life, of who you are. The more the power of awareness in you, the less your tendencies of being taken in by narrow perceptions/obsessions.
Sen,
If one desires a relationship, but doesn’t need one to feel fulfilled, are you suggesting as partner will be found without actually looking for him?
No effort needs to be put into searching for this person, as they will appear if you are living an authentic life? Since, I work from home, I am not exposed to a lot of social situations where I can meet people. So, no dating sites? life experiences will lead me there?
When you are aligned with your desire, you become a magnet that draws the manifestation of the desired reality irrespective of what your present situation may be. Always know that if this physical realm has produced a desire in you, this very physical realm has the means to manifest your desire also – it’s totally scientific. If this present life didnot have the means to manifest your desire, you would not have had this desire in the first place (because you are part of this life). So one thing is for sure, that the means to manifest your desire is present in this universe, now all that’s needed is that you allow the unfolding of the manifestation. And the only way to allow life force to manifest your desire swiftly is to become aligned with your desire (by totally believing in its manifestation and trusting your life stream to take you there). Your only job is to become aligned with your desire, nothing else is needed of you, everything else will be orchestrated by your life force. When you are aligned you will be moved just at right time to do just the right action that allows the manifestation to come through – the most important factor in alignment is a complete trust in the intelligence of your life-stream over the doubts of your mind. When you are aligned you would just see coincidences happening, synchronicity happening, inspiration for some actions coming in – it just happens in a flow. For example, You might be out grocery shopping and you might drop something and a guy picks it up for you, he strikes a conversation with you, a connection just happens and you feel comfortable with each other as if you’ve known each other for long, and things just happen from there – just an example of how when you are aligned things fall in place effortlessly.
On the other hand, there are people who register with upteen number of dating sites, they read a hundred books on relationships and dating skills, they are constantly “trying” to date as many as possible in the thought – “the more I date the better my chances of finding the perfect match”, and inspite of all these efforts they just seem to be getting nowhere or worse they seem to be attracting relationships that are just not working out. The principle of creation in this universe is not “effort”, the principle of creation is “attraction” – all efforts are of no avail if you are not internally aligned with your desire, and when you are aligned with your desire, you just manifest realities effortlessly. This is an entirely new way of living, allowing your life force to do the work for you and being a co-operative component to its movement allowing it to bring a smooth manifestation of your desired reality. The energy that has created worlds works for you when you are aligned with your desire.
I guess I will need to go shopping more often… 🙂 No, Walmart, though.
How do you get aligned with your true desire? How is it possible to know what your true desire really is?
Seva, you can read this post – deluded desires vs aligned desires which address your query. Also you can read the recent post – being heart-centric, because when you allow to be guided by your heart and let go of being driven by conditioned view of the brain, you naturally get sense of your true desire.
So I’ve been reading these posts and they are completely identifying with how I feel at the moment. My current relationship is new but the strong feelings are there. I’m the kind of person where I tend to fall to fast for someone I’m interested in. Compared to my last relationship the guy I’m with now is all of what I want in a partner. I like him for his personality and who he is rather than my previous mindset of just wanting to be in a relationship. Im afraid of losing him though. I’m thinking after reading these posts I’m becoming dependent on him, which I realize is unhealthy. I tend to imagine little issues that will break us apart. He is always very committed to me and he also says that he is not the kind of person to give on something he really cares about, like me. I believe everything he says and he says it comes from his heart. I feel very lucky that I’m with him, but I’ve noticed I’ve been reading into his words far too much recently. This is making me think he suddenly feels differently about me, though I Understand it is just me over-analyzing this. Is there any advice that could help me shake off the worry and focus on our actual relationship? Is there anyway I can stop thinking that he will leaving me?
With good intentions,
Allison
Allison, it’s possible to love without a sense of feeling fearful/needy of the person presence in your life – in fact, this form of love is what’s aligned with wholeness. When love is tinted with fear it becomes a constant source of pain rather than a celebration of your physical journey. Most fears, in a relationship, arise from thoughts of lack and also from a lack of inner stability, where we fear being alone or when we fear we won’t find another relationship. The more you connect with yourself the more you sense that your stability is not dependent on the outside, that you can feel wholeness within yourself, also as you understand the power of your life-stream to bring you your desired reality you realize that you don’t have to believe in lack. A lack of inner stability is bound to show up in the form of feeling needy/over-dependent on anyone who you think connects you with the feeling of love/acceptance. Your present fears are like a wake up call for you to find your inner connection, I’ve elaborated on this in this post – http://www.calmdownmind.com/finding-love/
Hi Sen,
I recently ended my ‘imbalanced’ relationship.
But the constant thought that come up is that maybe our relationship ended because of my ‘imbalance’.
I’ve been so needy and dependent on him that eventually drove him away.
He seemed pretty much independent, you know.. well aligned, joyous in his own company.
And I have two questions.
#1 – I can’t help but feel that this relationship could have had worked out if only I wasn’t such an imbalanced person (dependent/needy).
Could it have?
#2 – It also saddens me to think that maybe due to my imbalance, he had to experience a hurtful relationship (kind of a guilt).
I try to allow feelings of guilt and release the momentum, but in the process of my own alignment, I realize, here I am aligning myself, and there he is left with feelings of sadness/hurt of a failed relationship.
I just wish him well, and hope he will not remain in negativity and will be able to find his own alignment.
Could my positive thinking help him be aligned?
Thank you Sen, you’re blog has greatly helped me face my fears and anxieties with new understanding.
As on any given moment, I’m thankful for your articles. But I’ve a specific query about dealing with my parents. I’m 27 year old while my parents are way older than me, 70+. While I’ve want to engage myself with different things and explore life in multiple dimensions, they constantly pester me to settle, get married, live with them and serve and become the source of their happiness, as they define.
Is not it a kind of neediness that they depend solely on me for their happiness and they want me to do those things which they feel would make them feel good if I follow? What is your perspective on parental responsibilities and how to bring them to a balance in one’s life?
Should I let them be on their own or whatever happens to them and get absorbed in myself only?
Dear Sen
Thanks for your enlightening post. I am a gay, coming out at 40, undergoing treatment and therapy for depression. My neediness/ self love is being addressed in my therapy. Through this coming out process a straight friend ( married with children) supported me. He would spend hours with me on daily basis with the intent to support me through this dark phase. And slowly couched in my heart of emptiness. I have never dated anyone and am deprived of sex life. A series of incidents happened in his personal life wich led to somw misundestanding and decided to completly withdraw from me, saying he needs privacy and space. What may I do? I have tried hard to have a dialogue. This has caused me emotional injury taking me back to my original debilaring state. I messaged him that one shouldn’t play pushing & withdrwal with fragile mind and a bit of sensitivity in the crucial moment would have helped but he didn’t feel the need to revert. Even though i am intellectually saying to myself that my prime concern is to focus on my change but internally I have become a wreck. Crying & feeling guilty of loosing hum. What should I do? Thanks
Vick, eventually “inner wholeness” is the key to being free of this sense of neediness that you feel for “support” or even companionship. Companionship is a celebration of life, but if you are a prisoner to it then you become a clingy/needy person, and that’s inherently repulsive because of the vibe of lack that it projects. Instead of focusing on the loss of companionship, bring the focus within to sense the feeling of lack/insecurity that you are carrying within – ask yourself if you would like to live a life where you have to depend on the outside to constantly assuage this feeling of insecurity, or would you prefer becoming “self-sustained” without a neediness for support. You can enjoy a companionship more “wholistically” when you are not coming from a place of neediness. You can read this post – healing the imbalance – to get insight on what it entails to reach a place of inner wholeness
Dear Sen
Thanks so much for your encouraging reply.
Since I am battling major depression. I am not able to focus on the cure instead mind is stuck on suffering. How to detach from neediness & self pity thoughts. What action plan do you suggest? Thanks
Vick, it’s about finding your inner freedom and thus come to a state of inner wholeness so that your driving force is no longer rooted in neediness or insecurities. Finding inner freedom is a dual path – its requires understanding the reality of life, and it requires the release of past accumulation of emotional/mental momentum. For the latter, you will need to practice the state of allowing – you can read about it in this post, Reaching a place of total allowing, For the former you can start with the post – healing the imbalance. This blog is structured around consciously coming to a state of inner wholeness, so the more you read that more you start understanding the mechanics of it.
Hi Sen
I stumbled upon Abraham about one year ago. Just about the same time as I started a new relationship. I’m twice divorced and have been a bit of an emotional mess all my life. My neediness is just one aspect of my personality that ruins relationships. Add to that stubborness and pettyness and you end up with a human being who pushes people away then lives in perpetual agony between relationships regretting behaviour and actions and swinging from ‘it’ll be ok next time’ to ‘why cant I be like normal people and be calm about others and not always petrified that something they say or do (or dont say or do) means they are off thinking less of me in their mind’ – I really believe in what I’ve read over the last year and your website has added to this understanding and resonance. I’ve spent time focusing on calming down my thoughts and trying to visualise good things coming for me. But lately I’ve become sooooo needy in my relationship that I did the same old routine as I did before and pushed him away to the point where he almost went! A man who, up until recently has shown me nothing but affection and love. I ended up running back telling him I was sorry etc etc and he, eventually, took me at my word. He has been very forgiving and I’ve been trying to take on board his reasons for feeling let down. But I cant seem to stop the flow of affection (to the point where it’s looking like neediness on a level I’ve never exhibited before). These actions actually began as relief though because it started to feel like I was being honest with him, while hoping for a positive response but feeling that I had to take that risk no matter what he replied. Whereas before I’d have felt needy but kept my mouth shut and tried to act cool, which usually worked in keeping him interested for a while. So that new rush of ‘affection’ just kept coming and I truly felt I was getting something out of my vibration that I’d never had the courage to do before. Although scary it was necessary in my view. But the feelings I’m left with are the same neediness and manifesting physically as knot in my stomach, heart racing, pictures in my mind of him ‘rethinking our relationship while he’s not with me’ – So, if you’re still awake at this stage of my story I am appreciative, and would welcome any pointers as to the best way to start the process of clearing things up within me. From reading my (very edited) story it’s clear I am living in fear most of the time within myself. My neediness and insecurities clash with my stubborness and dishonesty between what I outwardly project and what I feel inside. The conflict can sometimes feel unbearable. However, please know that to have even admitted all of the above is a step in the right direction for me and I could not have done it one year ago. I know I can align and achieve all that there is for me in life, but I think there is so much going on with me I simply dont know where to start as I feel my efforts are working then they’re not working, then they’re kind of helping then the knot’s back and the tension is all over my body. One word sen, Help!
Christine, first it’s important to understand that finding inner freedom is a journey and it unfolds in layers as more and more of the past hang ups and suppression are released. You are on the right track with respect to now being open in communicating your affection, you can also communicate your fears (of losing him) in an honest manner, one thing you can be sure of is that manipulative behavior never really works – to show what you are not, at any moment, is just manipulation. You have to develop the freedom to be honest with your feelings, at any moment, with yourself and with the person you have these feelings for – if your honesty (in communicating what you are feeling) causes you to lose a relationship, then you can be sure that this relationship would not have worked out in the long term. Of course, there is a momentum of fear within you, of abandonment, which causes you to feel a neediness for security from the outside, and for now you have to accept that it’s what is your present state of being – don’t feel bad about it, and don’t try to keep it in hiding, feel free to express it or communicate it, especially with a person who you want to be in a long term relationship with. You would also need to develop the understanding of the well-being that’s present in your life-stream to take care of your requirements, including your requirement of a relationship – when you have this understanding, you can release your fears stemming from lack-based thinking by no longer identifying with them. Give yourself the freedom to no longer manipulate yourself, because this manipulation is what creates all the strain and aggravates the fear. If you feel weak, give yourself the freedom to feel weak, and to even express this feeling of weakness – it’s not about trying to put on a “cool” front, it’s about the freedom to be truly authentic as you are. Whenever you allow yourself to be authentic, you will always sense life working out more smoothly for you. Of course, with time, your journey would be to find freedom from the momentum of fear-based neediness, but as you make this journey you need to be “okay” with where you are right now, and have the freedom to accept yourself (and your mind) as it is without needing to put on a front. All manipulations come from a place of struggle, strain and fear, and right now the path of your journey to be free of the need to manipulate yourself.
Many thanks for your insight and advice Sen. I think what you are saying is not to be impatient (yet another of my traits, how did you know?!). It makes sense to settle and accept myself as I am for the moment, which will lead to some release and eventually onto a better understanding of who I truly am and/or desire to be. I have been wondering why I was receiving such affection when I was needy inside, thought anyone I was in a relationship with would reflect that back to me but it is as if he has no fear himself, he always looks on the positive side and is very honest with me. Still not quite sure about how that all fits with ‘we get what we expect/think of ourselves’. I had also wondered why this relationship appeared just at the time I’d started to become aware of your (and others) teachings. A part of me thought it was really bad timing as it may have been better if I’d started to sort myself out then met him. Maybe he has something to learn from meeting me? Good luck with that I say! In any case, I’ll follow your suggestions and know that I am on the right track, layer by layer. Thank you.
I agree completely. The problem for me is that the idea of self fulfillment is hazy (other than what you mentioned, which is watching your emotion of “neediness”). Many people have told me I need to be self fulfilled to attract a healthy relationship, but I just don’t quite get how. I’m chronically ill, so it’s hard for me to have a social life. What that leads to is loneliness, and voila!! I think I made some inroads when I broke up with my last boyfriend, but now I’m being needy in the next relationship! M
Dear Sen,
I have been reading your beautifully written articles in this site for the last year and they have had a very strong impact on me. Together with some events in my life they have ‘transformed’ my reality, and I want to thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and being open and helpful to the readers in any way that you can. 🙂 As you write, it’s just at the moment that you want to connect with a bigger consciousness around you that the ego becomes desperate and tries to ‘control’ everything. During the last months I try to observe my mind in order to detect the unhelpful ego patterns, hoping that I will come to the point of stop fighting against it. I am going through cycles: hope, joy, opening, calmness, concentration followed by sadness, anger, toxic passive-aggressive behavior and even thoughts of destructing myself (so extreme it scares me to see those inside me) to the point of isolating more and more from others, out of fear of exposing and infecting them with my negativity. There is in particular one person that I really care about and love, we split up last year due to an emotional mess I had at the time, our mutual young-age insecurities, because it wasn’t ‘perfect’ (I didn’t know back then that being perfect was not the point, I didn’t have a balanced view of reality and relationships at all). I see him again now, after I know that I hurt him a lot, and it’s difficult for me; from the one hand I project calmness and appreciation to him (we speak a lot) and from the other hand I feel extremely possessive and needy, thinking about one woman with whom he started a relationship after our breakup, my mind seems poisonous even to me (‘poison’ is the best word that comes to my mind when I think of the effect these thoughts have, everything good in me becomes ridiculed and I can barely get out of bed for days). I was thinking of asking him to get back together, but I’m afraid that I am doing it out of guilt, fear of the unknown, and that the feelings of love I have are fake and cover my own huge ego, it seems almost like I am incapable of love. I don’t know what to do, and I am afraid of hurting him again, I want him to be happy, and maybe I am not the person for that at this phase, I do not consider myself to be ‘mature’ and ‘complete’ at all. Although we are emotionally still very close I have not expressed my feelings out of fear of him wanting to get back together or not wanting to get back together; I feel absolutely stuck and I don’t know if fleeing altogether from the situation would be better, but I feel that I should stay here and solve it, so that it doesn’t reappear in another form. I have a very strong negative momentum of bitterness and anger, I have always been afraid of intimacy and coming close to people, and I always try to escape from the present by using a ‘dream’ for the future; maybe I am running towards the past now. What mostly worries me is that I feel I don’t have anything good to give to anyone and that I will just drag this person down to my state. Also I realize that I have put all my focus on this case and this is not very healthy, it’s just another distortion that I can’t help losing myself in. I know it’s just another ordinary love-story 😀 but I would really like to hear your thoughts on all that…
Beautifully written. Very helpful, God bless you
sen, or anybody, I’m torn between a decision.
I’m in a relationship stage where my fear of rejection is constantly being triggered.
and haven’t been avoiding this emotion and am processing (or converting the energy as u term) it..
usually when I’m @ this point in a relationship I cop out, or i’d end it first in order to stop ‘negative’ emotions and avoid being rejected (break up by him),
and then when I’m single, I’d feel better initially (since I don’t have to deal w fear associated w rejection). but find myself repeating this pattern of being ecstatically high in early part of relationship and feeling doomed the ‘high’ fades.
and I find myself refusing ppl who are gud to me because it feels like I’m temporarily shutting my insecurities (like bandage) until I find someone else who triggers my insecurity.
so in a sense of ‘releasing’ by me being constantly triggered, seems like a ‘positive’ movement. feels like it allows a faster release than sitting @ home alone w nobody.
what road would u guys have taken? with thia growing awareness?
J, we try to get into a relationship with a person when we feel a sense of “attraction” towards that person. However, the feeling of attraction can be triggered for many reasons, including some imbalanced reasons. For example, in case of a person who has an imbalance towards “powerlessness” (insecurities) there is tendency to get attracted to people who trigger this powerlessness, and hence this attraction is dysfunctional to start with. However, such a “dysfunctional attraction” also has a value in that it causes you to end up facing the insecurities/powerlessness, within you, while you are in the relationship, and if you can consciously release this momentum (through the state of conscious allowing within) it will dissolve over time. Of course, one has to be “conscious” and work on releasing this momentum of powerlessness instead of just hopping from one relationship to another while operating from the same imbalance, repeating the same experience. So as for the question of – is it better to jump into a relationship that allow you to face your powerlessness or is it better to work on releasing this powerlessness while being alone? Basically, you need to assess if the reason you are trying to find relationships is out of a fear of alone-ness leading to an inability to deal with the lack of a relationship, because in that case you are moving from a place of strong “dependency” which would cause you to feel powerless in the relationship, sooner or later. It would make sense to deal with this fear first, since it’s bound to be triggered more strongly when you choose to be “alone” rather than when you are in the mode of seeking relationships.
If you can’t handle being without a relationship, it would just suggest a strong fear of alone-ness, and you can work on allowing/releasing the momentum of this fear when you stop trying to jump into relationships as a means to avoid this fear. Your powerlessness could well stem from this fear of being alone (the fear of rejection is just another flavor of the fear of alone-ness, you don’t want to feel rejected because it makes you feel alone/in-validated). When you’ve really allowed a release of this fear of alone-ness, you will sense that you are no longer looking for relationships from a chronically desperate position, and even while you are in the relationship you don’t lose your own sense of freedom, and you don’t try to control the freedom of your partner as a way to feel secure.
When you are not moving from a place of powerlessness, your attraction will be more “functional” in that you will be attracted to people who aligned with your state of inner power (people who respect your preferences, who enjoy your personality, who are aligned with your expression).
hi sen,
since this post, I realized the bigger issue was fear being alone and being powerless to certain guys, guys who can boost my ego and validate my sense of being. or I simply wud avoid anything that gives me the idea of losing face.
I was able to see through my ego and avoidance of it trying to constantly analyse/strategize to retain my false sense of identity – the identity formed through external validation.
I guess the pattern of being happy (or high) in seeking the next relationship was because it takes away my mind from being alone ans it seeks for the ‘next’ promising ‘happiness’-which was a delusion.
this time, I stay alone without jumping into the single market. simply going through this aloneness (what’d I’d been avoiding with ALL my energy).
I stopped giving into my egoic desire/plan/wants. such as, trying to post on Facebook status about how great my life is without him(refusing to feel ‘inferior’), or posting how sad and lonely I am (in order to trigger certain response from him – indirectly or without being so obviously trying to get his attention.
to be honest, I had to stop any desire I had because they were all strategies to retain my ‘identity’ through him.
and when I stopped, I felt like I was disappearing and i felt utterly alone, in this abyss, a black hole in endless void.
I still have mind strategies/analysis trying to ‘belong’ and emotional momentum feeding mind (cycle) but itas easier to break with much awareness and seeing thru egoic patterns and facing emotional fear.
my fibromyalgia tender points decreased SIGNIFICANTLY through this past few days, going thru this ‘dark night of the soul-like phase.
thankyou.
Thanks for this post. I identify with a lot of it. I have a wonderful marriage and am going through a period now with two kids and a busy job where I’m reflecting much more on the romance/emotional intimacy that I want in my life. In a lot of ways, it’s been a very positive experience b/c it’s made me realize I’m as attracted to my wife as I was when we met 15 years ago, and I’ve realized how much I still want us to express our desires to each other / kiss / connect more deeply in ways that aren’t about making plans and dealing with the kids. But my wife is perfectly content with how things are so Ive somehow found myself in a state of serious neediness b/c my desires are being interpreted as unmet needs by my wife. Rather than see it as an exciting thing to connect intimately and express ourselves, it’s seen as a burden. This feeling drive me crazy and makes me feel alone b/c my vision is so positive but the result of expressing it and not getting feedback feels so empty. She’s never been great at expressing her emotions, so I’m expecting a lot, but it’s still been so hard to have patience and figure out the right way to have conversations about this. Anyway, the way I’ve handled it (expecting immediate feedback) has been extremely needy, which makes me feel even worse, not in control, unattractive…all the opposite things I’m looking for! Any advice?
Dave, you may want to consider the possibility that the reason why you feel attracted to her, for all these years, is primarily because of this aspect of power in personality where she seems aloof to the aspect of emotional needs – I would describe such a personality as a “dark-tinted personality”. You come across as someone with a light-tinted personality based on your needs for emotional connection and the hint submissiveness that’s present in you towards your wife. A light-tinted personality type can have good relationship with a dark-tinted personality, as long as, he/she is willing to accept the equation that comes in such a relationship, if you keep trying to change the other person or keep imposing needs that the other person is not capable of meeting (because of their personality type) then you will end up creating friction and conflict. You will have to accept the fact that certain needs cannot be met by your wife, because of her personality type and not make it into some aspect of “personal failing” or go into some insecure thinking regarding “she doesn’t like me”. As you mentioned, she seems content, and she is not complaining about the relationship, it’s just that you are expecting her to behave in a manner that feels more soothing to your light-tinted personality. You will have to make a reality-check, and be aware of your wife’s personality, and come to a conscious acceptance of the fact that certain light-tinted preferences that you have may never be met by your wife. There are no “perfections” in life, and there are no perfect relationships, every relationship has some pros and some cons, what I call the light and dark nature present in every reality no matter how balanced.
The fact that you are deeply attracted to your wife would mean that this relationship is important to you and hence you will have to let go of any feelings of resentment or inadequacy that you feel regarding the fact that your wife does not feel compatible with some aspects of your light-tinted needs – and accept the fact that you will have to consciously work with this relationship by understanding the equations involved in it. You may also want to balance out some aspects of dark-nature in you, like the aspect of power, where you let go of the “weak longing” for the emotional needs to be met – you may notice that when you balance out towards this aspect of power in you, your wife may respond more positively to your emotional needs. The fact that you are getting needy may cause her to switch off even more towards responding to your emotional needs, it’s just a part of being a dark-tinted personality. A light-tinted personality, in a state of imbalance, tends to lean towards lot of “weak longing” and emotional neediness, which end up becoming a turn off especially for a dark-tinted partner. It’s fine to be connect with aspects of your light-tinted personality, it’s just that you need to balance it out with the aspect of power (the dark nature aspect). You can read the post – Connecting with inner power, for some insights on this.
I assume it’s the same if the situation is reversed? I’m the dark-tinted personality and my wife is the light-tinted one. Like Dave, who has to learn to let go of his neediness since he can’t control someone else, I need to learn to become more affectionate with my partner? Why is it those of us awakened (barely) have to do all the heavy lifting??
Kin, it’s like the light and dark nature of conscious living (everything comes with its pros and cons). The more balanced/awakened you are the more likely you are to have a stable experience of life, however it comes with the aspect of “responsibility” where you will be required to be the source of wisdom and the balancing factor in the external surroundings (including your relationships) – you can no longer hold on to the mindset of shifting the blame to the outside, rather you understand that change begins with you and stop expecting the outside to change first. It may seem like “heavy lifting” but only when you bring a victim-mindset into play, instead if you take it as a part of the responsibility of being more aware then you simply see it as a value that you bring through your presence. Also, it’s not a “selfless service” that you are providing, your aware behavior makes life easier for you also (you are being understanding towards your wife, and you are willing to work in an aware manner towards the relationship, because she is important to you in your life – in that sense it’s not “selfless”).
Dear Sen,
Can you please explain this post in terms of finding employment, especially when you are the primary bread winner of the family and unemployed. How can one detach and not appear needy to either the job hunt or the job interview? How long can one maintain calm and not despair when the bills are mounting and there are mouths to feed? Thanks Sen.
Anita, as a being you will always have “needs”/desires, it’s part of your nature. You can be true to your needs, without having the attitude of neediness – that’s what balance is all about. A person who has an inner alignment (and confidence arising from that) may be forward in asking what he wants/needs without being shy about it, and this confidence actually feels attractive. However, if a person lacks inner confidence, and is asking for the same thing, he may come across as needy, and it feels unattractive. They are both asking for what they need, but in the first case the energy of the person is rooted in alignment, in the second case the energy/vibe of the person is rooted in lack. When you approach your needs from an attitude of inner lack, you will present a “needy vibe” which is unattractive, and is at the root of repelling realities that are aligned with your sense of abundance and balance.
It’s not really about “trying” to be calm or trying to not despair. It’s about looking at your current mindset and being aware of patterns in your mindset that are rooted in struggle-based thinking, and then using this awareness to let go of being identified with the pull of this mindset. You can allow your mind to feel worried without being lost to it, just develop a space of openness where you are not pulled in to your mind’s habitual tendency towards lack-based, worry-based and struggle-based thinking. I talk about this in this posts – the foundation of openness, and this is a necessary foundation to start developing before any real shifts can be made towards finding balance with yourself and alignment with your life-stream’s intelligence (or wisdom).
I’ve observed life’s movement, very objectively, and one thing that I can notice very clearly is that life is not “chaotic”, it’s not some random movement that has no plan, direction or intelligence. Every life-stream has an intelligence and an order, and it has the tendency to create balance very smoothly when one does not constant stay rooted in resistance. This is an observation that I ve made not only from observing my own life (I’ve been in very dark and desperate situations in the past, financially and otherwise, and I’ve seen how things panned out eventually in a manner that, looking back, feels very intelligent) but also the lives of many people I’ve interacted with. The mind cannot be blamed for “worrying” because it only has a ground view, it can’t know what’s going to happen in the coming future, in a week or in a month, so it can’t help but worry – however, your life-stream has an intelligent solution that’s being orchestrated, and it’s taking shape even as the mind continues to be rooted in despair. You can assist your life-stream, in its orchestration, by letting go of holding on to your mind’s negative projections and simply be in an attitude of openness, and observe how life orchestrates events for you (I am sure you can see that even now, though you talk about bills mounting, you currently may have the resources to deal with your immediate financial requirements and what you are worried about is the future). When I talk about the attitude of openness I don’t mean “don’t do anything”, I mean just be open (let go of holding on to your mind’s narrow projections) and allow yourself to follow through on inspirations that come through.
Of course, you don’t have to experience “living on the edge” as a way of living. When you allow yourself to be more open, and connect with inner balance as a result, and let go of holding on to your mind’s struggle-based outlook, you will no longer have to experience this feeling of “living on the edge”, you will have a more comfortable reality to work with (though there will always be some challenges to deal with, and these challenges give a sense of adventure, meaning and motivation without causing desperation – I call them “balanced challenges”). “Living on the edge” is an imbalanced challenge that you encounter only when you’ve been rooted in an imbalanced thinking of holding on to the struggle-based mindset.
Dear Sen,
Thank you!!
Your explanation has resonated with me and you writing has uplifted my spirit.
I am still clueless about my future and I am learning to trust the life stream.