Desire leads to suffering when it’s not fulfilled, or when there is a sense of hopelessness towards the possibility of its fulfilment. It’s not the desire that causes suffering, but it does become a potential cause of suffering because once there is a desire there is also the sense of its “lack” until it’s fulfilled. However, there is no point discussing about the state of being “desire free” or “desireless”, such a state cannot exist in life-energy – it’s a state of delusion to imagine that you, as an entity created from life-energy, can ever reach a point of being “desire free”, it’s inherently not possible because it’s not in the nature of life-energy to ever “stop” moving, and movement is always a result of a desire. So, in other words, life-energy cannot stop desiring.
There are some scriptures that deify the state of being free of desires, it’s just a deluded aspiration coming from a misplaced understanding of life-energy – mostly expounded by people who are not truly aware of the nature of life-energy. In fact, the very motivation to be “free of desire” is, in itself, a desire to start with, so it makes the whole argument moot. The desire to be “free of desires” is fine as a desire, but it’s a desire that can never find fulfillment because it goes against the nature of life-energy – so it’s akin to a dog chasing its tail, an endless pursuit.
Again, it’s not desire that creates suffering, rather it’s the lack of its fulfillment that does. Also, considering that you can never be desire free, the only way to stay free of suffering would be to experience fulfillment of your desire or at-least work towards the fulfilment of your desire – the state of fulfillment can last for a certain period of time, sometimes hours, sometimes days, sometimes a few years, but eventually a new desire will surface, and the cycle starts all over again. It’s an endless cycle, but it’s part of our reality as beings created from life-energy and it’s best to embrace this reality instead of fighting it, instead of trying to suppress it or being deluded about it.
When a desire is manifested, and you get to experience what you desired, it will create a sense of fulfillment in you. It should be understood that “fulfillment” is simply a temporary state created by the lack of any immediate/important desire and it will continue as long as a new desire (of importance) does not arise. The more important a desire is, the more suffering it will create during the lack of its fulfillment, and the fact remains that you cannot dictate the importance of a desire and you cannot really control when/how, and why, it arises. It’s not really of any use to understand “why” a desire arose, it’s quite pointless, what is of importance is to understand that you are going to feel “suffering” until you fulfil this desire and hence it’s pivotal to start working towards its fulfilment.
Different beings have different desires depending on their journey, their awareness, their past experiences and current perceptions. Your desire is very personal to you, and it’s subject to your current position in your journey of life. On earth, which is a collective reality, where there are many beings present, there can be all kinds of propaganda where some beings try to argue that their desire is “better” than the others or why some “desires” should not exist in the first place – including several spiritual teachers who propagate the state of being “desire free” or the preachers who label some desires in a negative manner. As scandalous as it might sound, but every desire has its place and is equally important to the being who is subject to it. We can have opinions, judgements, reservations and intolerance, towards the desires of others (especially the ones that don’t fit in with our sense of propriety), but it’s important to realize that different being have different journeys based on their makeup (and their current awareness), and you may not be able to understand what the other being is going through because you don’t understand their makeup – because your makeup may be completely different from that being.
We live in a collective reality, and the desires of other beings can infringe on our desire. So, its normal to feel fearful, or intolerant, towards the desire of others – however, it’s just a challenge that we need to deal with, as a part of existing in a collective reality which also brings with it the advantage of diversity of experiences, and there are many times when the desire of others in turn help manifest your own desires. However, it’s very possible (and common) for the desires of others to infringe upon your desires, to a point where your desires may be squashed in the wake of the desires of a more powerful being, this is a real challenge while co-existing in a collective reality but it has to be taken in it’s stride and you need to stay focused on your desire instead of powerlessly submitting to a situation. The fact that your desires feel squashed is simply a reflection of your current state of power (or lack of it), it’s simply a calling towards developing the attitude of standing true to yourself, of not dis-regarding yourself as someone undeserving, of letting go of your own inner conflicts that causes you to second guess yourself to the point of relinquishing your desire to accommodate others. Existing in a collective reality is an opportunity of inner growth, where you get to learn about developing the power to stand your ground, of cherishing what’s important to you in the midst of resistance from the “outside”, of developing power, of relinquishing the attitude of submitting to weakness and knowing your worth as an independent being in life who is as deserving as anyone else because in the end you are a creation of life-energy as much as any other being.
There are essentially 2 types of desires that human-beings experience:
- The desire for freedom
- The desire for experiencing something enjoyable
It’s useful to understand the dynamics of each of the above types of desires
The desire for freedom
Being stuck creates a feeling of suffocation in us, it’s the nature of the life-energy to be in movement and hence when life-energy feels impeded there is a build up of pressure within, which is experienced as a sense of suffocation. Our bodies, and soul, are created from life-energy and hence are subject to the nature of life-energy – in other words, it’s in our nature as souls/humans to desire movement. Freedom is just another name for the ability to move without fetters or resistance. The desire for freedom is the basic instinct in us, and at different points in our life we will find ourselves in a position where our chief desire is to seek freedom from a situation, person/community, afflictions or even beliefs. For example, when a situation infringes on our freedom of movement, it starts creating a suffocation within and there is a strong desire towards quitting/escaping/destroying that situation in some way and everyday that you continue to exist in that situation is suffering.
The desire for experiencing something enjoyable
When you choose to incarnate in a physical reality, like earth, you experience this reality via a body/brain which is programmed to find something more enjoyable than the others, it’s programmed to find something to be more beautiful/attractive/aesthetic than the others, it’s programmed to have preferences and inclinations. While you are incarnate in this human body, the desires of this body/brain/heart have to be adopted as your own (you being the soul that incarnates in this body). If you don’t believe in the aspect of “souls”, then you can simply think of yourself as this body/mind and be cognizant of the desires in you. In this physical body, some of the desires are sensory – to see, to touch, to taste, to smell, to hear, something beautiful (here I use “beautiful” as an umbrella term to encompass all that’s enjoyable), while some of the desires are purely emotional – enjoying a mental state, enjoying the feel of someone’s presence, enjoying an inner state of peace etc. So, basically desires, in the physical realm, are sensory or emotional, and sometimes they’re inter-twined where the sensory aspects create the emotion and vice-versa. In the end, it’s a desire for enjoyment, either via your senses or emotions.
The desire for freedom is a “primary desire”, while desire for enjoyment is “secondary”. The primary desire is always more important than the secondary, in the absence of the primary desire the secondary desires can become important. In other words, the desire for freedom is of primary importance, and a being who feels the desire for freedom is usually going through a lot of suffocation, depression and stress – it’s of utmost importance to seek fulfilment of a desire for freedom, the desire for enjoyment cannot even start coming to fore fully until the desire for freedom is first fulfilled. The beings who are working on their desire for freedom are usually going through a lot of suffering compared to beings who feel fulfilled from the “freedom” perspective and are chiefly focused on their desires for enjoyment. Feelings of depression, intense frustration, stress and suffocation, are primary indicators that you are in a place where you are desiring freedom – in many cases, in this physical reality, it’s the desire for freedom from a situation, it could be an unhealthy environment, it could be a debilitating relationship, it could be a soul-wrenching job or it could be a disabled physicality.
It might seem that the desire for freedom is akin to the desire for enjoyment, but the basic distinction is the energy being it – the desire for freedom stems from a sense of feeling imprisoned or stuck, while the desire for enjoyment stems from the need to indulge. Feeling stuck creates a lot more suffering than the absence of a certain indulgence, because the absence of freedom creates a resistance towards the inherent/primary nature of life-energy which seeks movement. A lot of us are conditioned to ignore our primary desire for freedom and find joy in our secondary desires, existing in such a situation is akin to living in a “golden cage” where you might be privy to some indulgences (which can bring some comfort) but essentially feel a heavy sense of suffering within due to the “stuck” state that you are experiencing. You cannot override your desire for freedom using your desire for enjoyment, they are mutually exclusive and fulfilment of one cannot fulfil the other. If you have the desire for freedom, you must work towards its fulfilment, in a lot of ways this desire is intrinsically linked to your growth and it cannot be replaced, or satiated, through any other indulgence.
You may want to exercise wisdom while seeking fulfilment of your desires for enjoyment, because indulgences need to be balanced in some way (the balance of light and dark) and in a collective reality it’s important to ensure that our indulgence does not create undue suffering for others (though we cannot always ensure that others don’t suffer because of our desire). Also, your desire for freedom can create suffering for others who would prefer your current state of being under their power, or serving their happiness, but keeping others happy at the cost of your own suffering is not an optimal trade-off and in the long run it will leave you feeling weak, meaningless and suffocated. Being “selfless” in the sense of suppressing your desire is not an elevated state, rather it’s a misplaced idea that’s not aligned with the nature of life-energy that we are. In this collective reality, we need to accommodate others, and there are some compromises that need to be made as a part of wisdom and responsibility, but one has to weigh the consequences of certain choices and decisions to ensure that it doesn’t leave one feeling debilitated and suffocated.
The discussion on fulfilling desires, in the midst of a collective reality, where the desires would require the involvement of others or infringe on the desires of others, has many grey areas. In the end, it’s a personal journey which occurs in the presence of other parallel journeys, of other beings, whether in the physical or non-physical domain, and hence there will be some conflicts, some infringements, some co-operations and collaborations that are bound to occurs, which will entail judgements, compromise, prejudices and intolerance. All of this is a part of our reality here, as a being of life-energy, and we have to navigate in the midst of all of these challenges, using our wisdom and awareness – nothing is black-and-white, there will always be a lot of grey areas where we can only choose based on our current awareness and understanding, we may not always be right but it’s the best we can do because in the end there is no such thing as being right or wrong from an absolute standpoint, it’s just an infinite journey of life that we are on as beings, and we don’t have the luxury of stopping because our nature will not allow it.
The bottom-line is to work with our desires, to understand that our desires are important and their fulfilment is a necessity, especially the desire for freedom which is of primary importance, in the absence of which there is bound to be a lot of suffering. Our society, currently, in many parts of the world, is still focused on emphasizing on an attitude of sacrificing personal freedom in the name of responsibility, a misplaced sense of security, propriety and an idea of “status”, and in such an environment it’s not surprising to find that the majority of humans feel suffocated and depressed with their existence where they sell their freedom for some paltry benefits and then they set out of find “peace” through some other indulgences including the spiritual pursuits.
Connecting with your “source” nature (the realm that’s free of polarity, the essential being nature in us) does not relieve you from your responsibility towards yourself as the life-energy being (soul/body/mind), while you can benefit from your connection with the realm of “source being” (or what I would call the “non-polarized” awareness) it is not a replacement for your existence as a polarized being created from life-energy – one does not replace the other, both these dimensions are equally important. Some of the spiritual teachers emphasize on the connectivity with the “source nature” while implying that the realm of polarity is to be dis-regarded. Desires belong to the realm of polarity, existent in us a soul-entity/human-entity, and we need to work with our desires, seek fulfilment along with exercising wisdom while doing so – you cannot relinquish your desires, neither can you relinquish a sense of wisdom while operating with them, it’s tricky and it can be challenging, but in the end there is no right or wrong from an absolute stand-point and in the relative realm we need to do the best we can to stand true to our desires, to not succumb to the manipulation of others towards stifling your desire, but also to not be unduly imbalanced to the point of stark exploitation while you fulfil your indulgence.
Fantastic Sen. Always a pleasure seeing you write about the fundamentals of being a human and how to navigate the aspects of how we work.
Hi sen
I have been reading your articles for years now and they have helped me tremendously.
Im living in a relationship where my partner/husband has no respect for my feelings.
He has cheated on me in the past and now I’m full of all these insecurities that I never had before in previous relationships.
I have set boundaries in our relationship but now I just feel suffocated and controlling and needy.
What would be your advice???
Thank you
Sen I hope you always post an article that help people to find an inner peace of mind
Hi Sen,
First things first, I wanna say thank you for sharing me
Your wisdom. It really helped alot.
There is one thing I’m struggling with right now.
I’m in a relationship for about a month now after being single for 3 years. I’m inlove with her and she makes me happy. I try my best not to be too attached with her, i still focus on myself alot.
But the problem is..
I am experiencing retroactive jealousy. Her past sexual experience is giving me a strong momentum which I get pulled alot which leads me in treating her poorly sometimes. I try my best to allow it and let the thoughts run but the problem is it happened, it’s not a false thoughts but it was real. So I always question her self control, dignity and character which is not ideal for me. I hate that she gave herself easily with other men. But I really love her. I know I am the problem because I also had these issues before with my ex girlfriends the difference now is that I am aware. I just need an advice about this because I cant find one on your blogs. Is it same approach? Just allow it then it will dissolve? Even if it really happened?
I discussed this to her and she was very supportive and hopeful that I’ll get past it because it’s ruining our relationship.
She is a very supportive woman and never gave me problems or trust issues regarding infidelity.
This is the only struggle I get pulled sometimes and I hate it. I wanna move on with it and just love her because she deserves it.
When I allow thoughts to dissolve and when im in balance state, I know that I really love her and I treat her well. But when im getting pulled there are alot of thoughts in my head, I’m also easily annoyed with her behavior even if she is not doing something wrong.
Is this compatibility issue? I also experience this with my past girlfriends.
Thanks
Maybe you are discussing a true effortless desire and not a desire of the mind or ego? Can you clarify?
Tan
I’m having the same issues…the thoughts I have really happened too…I was cheated on and I can let go of everything else in my mind but I can’t let go of the insecurities that this has caused me to have…I find myself needy now and always waiting for it to happen again and not trusting in the relationship or in life to take care of me.
It’s suffocating me and I just want to be free from the emotional hurt and forgive and forget…but every time these thoughts come up in my mind I get sucked in because I can’t believe he could betray me like that but I also know I am not in control of my husbands actions.
Im hoping sen reply’s…a part of me wishes I had left when it happened because all I have done ever since is torture myself with the memory of it…and now i am full of trust issues!!!
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
“it’s not surprising to find that the majority of humans feel suffocated and depressed with their existence where they sell their freedom for some paltry benefits and then they set out of find “peace” through some other indulgences including the spiritual pursuits”
—> are you suggesting that setting out to find peace is not the right way? Isn’t the purpose of this website to help people find some peace?
Isn’t it that finding some peace is what helps us get unstuck from suffocating circumstances ?
Calmdownmind.com is the best blog I’ve ever came across in my entire life. I’ve read several of your posts and ultimately I plan to read every single one. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. You truly have a gift of writing about these topics in a way that touches the souls of your readers & inspires change. I come to this website when I’m struggling with anxiety & it helps so much. Thank you again, I’m extremely grateful!
Hi Sen,
I have a question thats a bit off topic. I wanted to know what attracts robbers, thieves, rapists to someone. What can we do to not attract such stuff.
exceptional, thanks Sen
Plz write more about mind and emotional issues… I love your articles Thank you very much.
Hi Sen,
Thank you for shining light on our desires, it has made me realise why I am feeling such a sense of frustration going through my release. Most fears of mine I have been able to stop defending in order to release anger that was building up, but I seem to have run into a paradox.
Due to the unconscious living of my past, I have no money as I’m paying off debt, I am still young and live at home with my two parents. Recently, during the phase of release, I have been feeling incredible bouts of frustration towards the relationship I have with my parents and their belief system is colliding with mine, where I can see how their perception of reality is affecting mine whenever they are in my presence.
My parents are full of judgement, to the point where almost all their conversations consist on the judgement of others. They also refuse to take in and reason with me whenever I try to explain to them why I have a problem with our relationship. My mum believes trying to love me endlessly is the solution, and whilst I appreciate it; it seems as if she needs me a lot more than I need her. It feels so cruel to say but her neediness is unbearable to me, and their alcohol problem has gotten to the point where everything I say goes through their head and I am laughed at when I feel as if I am being completely reasonable. They believe I am young and angsty, and that their behaviour doesn’t need to change, mine does.
Moving out does not seem to be a financial option for me at the moment, and solving this relationship opposed to ending it it causing me massive bouts of frustration. Last time I raged so strongly that I ended up breaking objects. When this rage consumes me, how should I go about it? I feel like I lose my awareness to it trying to release it so it feels paradoxical. I feel as if I can’t control myself and can’t let go of the fear I’m trying to defend when the energy is powerful enough. Any insight would be appreciated.
Thanks,
Max
this concept of needing to attain freedom 1st & the need to do so for any authentic enjoyment to be able to begin to be experienced…this is the most profound thing. i now understand why some other people have obviously been enjoying themselves & i have never been able to. trying to get to authentic enjoyment w/out freedom is like trying to drive with no wheels on a car. or maybe with just the wheels w/out tires on them.
i don’t want to admit it but i’ve been very jealous & envious of others. resentful & ashamed of my life circumstances as well. i’ve been tethered to a toxic philosophy of life which fostered a zero chance of having any freedom.
i’m currently re-reading your post on Being Objective as i’m finding it difficult to get myself to gain momentum towards goals i very much want to achieve. the kind of bad attitude i’ve lived with most of my life is one of ‘don’t try to do anything you really want to, it won’t work anyway’.
this concept obviously can apply to a micro or macro situation, like anything really. so glad you’ve commented on this giant freedom suck many societies have been experiencing the last couple years. the manipulation involved is insane. it reminds me of my own experience of life which has been tainted by bad ideas which weren’t true, but after so long the manifestation of physical negativity is like a tidal wave. i’m grateful to know now that enjoyment-point b, cannot be obtained w/out freedom. if i keep my eye on the prize, i believe i can ride a raft to the shore of freedom.
Doesn’t suffering come from the ego’s craving for desire, be it freedom or indulgence? I remember you talking that in the place of wholeness, if desire manifests it’s fine, if it doesn’t it’s fine also, because you are already whole, yet here you say to chase your desires to escape some “suffering” without even knowing if they are right for you.
This is exactly what I thought about as i am reading this post, isn’t the state of wholeness is already fine and the presence of desires wouldn’t create any sort of suffering?
I think, ego is the separation of our true nature or the false identification with the body mind. In the purest form of consciousness, nothing is really right or wrong. So if you are whole with supreme consciousness, everything that bubbles in your inner space is a play or a ripple of that endless ocean. And if at all, a ripple of desire has arisen, then it will want to reach its end of life cycle until again it merges with the boundless ocean where it came from. Now if you are not whole with the one and associated with an ego mind perspective, you will create other ripples to defend or cherish this first ripple which in turns could create sufferings or pleasures as per their nature.
You see, what Sen is trying to tell here is, we cannot stop the ripples from coming, cause the ocean will always create these waves. But what we can do is to not be identified or consumed by these waves and stand ashore without creating counter waves. In that case, you accept both the satisfaction of the fulfilment of the desire or the destruction of this little ripple wave into debacles. You see, to the one who has attained, no ripple can actually touch him. For he is beyond and above all of them.
Thanks.
This is really weird, previously, you said “craving desires” is what creates suffering and not desire itself, also, what about the state of “wholeness”? You haven’t mentioned that, which has been always a very important “pointer” towards the journey of freedom. This is really confusing, it seems that you have deviated from your old “beliefs” or, let me say, ideas.
Also, haven’t you mentioned , before, that the state of allowing will eventually brings one to a state of “wholeness” and that this state is enough for anyone to be generally “content” ? Your posts are very contradictory.
You are still going to desire. Wholeness doesn’t necessarily mean you will become desire-less or that the lack of a desire manifesting wouldn’t instigate “suffering”. I put suffering in quotations because according my understanding, there is still this subtle dissatisfaction when a desire hasn’t manifested. It’s not necessarily “suffering”. But this is my own understanding. I could be totally wrong. I’m not even sure I’ve reached “wholeness”. I just allow everything to the best of my current ability. And this attitude allows me the freedom to not cling to anything, including the desires I would like to manifest. If anybody disagrees or if anybody feels I am wrong, feel free to correct me.
Saf,
The bottom line is to always find Inner Freedom first. It seems you’re holding on to the pointers that you’ve acquired from reading this blog for your sense of clarity/happiness/wholeness.
Though it’s necessary when we start our journey, at some point we’ve to let go of holding on to all the pointers which we’ve learned as well.
Your ego force is what’s feeling confused about the contradictory pointers, and now it’s time for you to let go of this ego force momentum within you.
A few posts which you can read at this point of time in your journey could be
https://www.calmdownmind.com/the-attitude-required-for-inner-freedom/
https://www.calmdownmind.com/identifying-your-ego-force/
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Hi Sen,
Over the past couple of years I have appreciated your perspectives. Thank you for continuing to write!
i dunno sen, somehow this post is not nearly as useful and insightful as the stuff you were writing 10 years ago. it just reeks of egoic “i want this and will suffer until i get it” instead of coming to wholeness and moving towards desires from there. in my own experience it is actually very possible to let go of desires without suffering, when you clearly see that it’s not wise or it’s not the right time for it, so their fulfillment is not a “necessity”
would you give a serial killer who’s solitary desire is to end lives the same pointer of ” As scandalous as it might sound, but every desire has its place and is equally important to the being who is subject to it.”?
and that paragraph about temporary fulfillment – it just makes you sound like a dopamine junkie constantly chasing some “fulfillment” the second they feel a sense of lack.
i know that it’s your personal blog, and you are notorious for contradicting yourself in several of your posts, but at least the whole theme of “inner freedom” was always the same and what helped so many people(including me) to stop suffering and live a freer, happier life. here you are just chucking that away and saying “bro just follow your desires they are totally the most important thing ever”
I agree with your comment redw. Maybe you, as I, have ”followed” Sens blog posts for some time and saw it as a guide or source of truth. At least for me I have put Sen on a pedalstal as a guru understanding things way deeper than me. And I still think he does have a deep understanding and wisdom. However this post was not something I really agree with either. Nothing wrong with following your desires, as long it’s balanced.
I agree that this post was difficult to interpret. It may stray from some of his previous posts and also this is a complex topic that he’s trying to simplify. I think the fourth paragraph from the bottom is really what ties the post together – where you still need to have wisdom according to your desires – but this contradicts earlier in the post when Sen wrote something along the lines of you shouldnt question why your desire arose. wouldnt that questioning be wisdom at work?
I agree that we will always have desires, and that each desire is a yearning for growth and continuation of experience, and thus is integral to life. I also believe there are different levels of being in alignment or release or whatever, or levels of awareness. As sen wrote previously we live out lives through fierce grace, and so some outcomes of our desires may not be in our best interest or in others best interest, but the experience will be a teaching moment and we may learn that we “need to be careful what we wish for” and therefore the desire was negative in one sense, but positive in that it taught us a lesson and we learned.
I think the main point Sen tried to make here was a good one – too many people are in denial of their own desires and hopes and dreams in a sort of egotistical prostration and trying to be morally superior. as he wrote, this desire to avoid desires is still a desire, and I agree with him that it is very misguided.
Again, your example of a serial killer wanting to kill and that being pretty much an objectively bad desire makes sense. In that case, the killers desire would be in conflict with another’s desire (society’s collective desire to not have people be killed for pleasure) and the serial killer would be forcibly denied by fulfilling his desire, by imprisonment or execution. A desire is still fulfilled – society’s.
I think there are some logical problems with this post but the point he’s trying to make is correct, and it is still a thought provoking post
Is it possible to ”own” your desire for freedom and meet it in different ways other than from what you feel suffocated from. For example, if I’m stuck in prison and have thoughts of breaking out, but use my wisdom to see that the risk is too great and not worth it. Can I not attain freedom in other ways. Maybe academically inside of this prison. Or through physical achievements. Or am I just deluding myself? I think you can of you exercise your decision, and ”choose” to stay in the prison and do the best of the situation.
Hi Sen, thank you for ur article, it came right at the moment i needed it the most. The situations u mentioned, of frustration, desperation, helplessness etc, is exactly what I’m going through right now. I was involved in a car accident by 2020 which left me with disability in my body, I can’t do the things i used to do prior the accident , I lost all of my former friends, i resigned from my suffocating job earlier this year, I’m stuck in a house alone, day in and day out. Right now I’m in a very suffocating desperate situation. I’m allowing the lower energies when they come up to the surface,but it’s extremely hard at the moment and sometimes I’m even contemplating the worst. But I must say as much difficult my situation is, I understand that it is all for my growth and it’s needed to bring down all the structure of unconceousness state I was living from. And i can also feel inner progress inspite of the fact that I’m still experiencing difficulties in my reality.
Thank you San for all your previous articles, they really helped me a lot in my spiritual journey 🙏
I like this web site its a master peace ! Glad I noticed this on google .
I agree with these comments. This article was very confusing, especially coming from Sen.