This was a query from one of the readers
I’ve been with my boyfriend for two and a half years. We have a great relationship but I constantly worry that something will happen that will make us break up. I don’t want to worry about this anymore because I know it won’t happen. Please tell me how I can stop this?
I’ve posted my reply as a blog entry so other readers with similar situation find insights that help let go of resistance.
When you look at life around you, and observe the various negative conditions in other people’s lives, it’s very easy for the brain to start thinking “what if this happened to me?”
For example, you might notice that a lot of couples break up after a long term relationship and start worrying if that will happen in your relationship as well. You feel worried because you realize that you cannot really control the “outside” reality through force – you know you cannot control your boyfriend’s priorities/preferences/decisions. So you worry if he might decide to leave you, or something happens that causes a rift in the relationship.
This is a valid “worry”, from the perspective of the mind, but it’s a “negative state” to be in. Negativity does not serve any purpose but to resist the flow of well-being into your life.
Let go of focusing on negative thoughts
If you stay aligned with thoughts that bring you joy, and stay detached from negative thoughts (by not feeding attention to them), it won’t be long before the momentum of negative thinking, in you, starts ebbing away – allowing you to start becoming free of resistance within.
For example, when you get a thought in your brain which says “what if my boyfriend breaks up with me and this joy that I am feeling comes to an end?”, just realize that it’s only a thought in the brain and it’s your choice to give attention to it.
If you give attention to this thought, it will become stronger in force (it will repeat more often in your brain), and it will give you an illusion that your brain is obsessed with it. But in truth it’s not the brain that is obsessed with it (the brain is just a machine that interprets reality), but it’s your attention to this thought that creates fuel for its repetition.
So what’s the solution? Dis-identify with negative thinking, that’s all.
It just takes some practice and discipline initially to not feed negative thoughts with attention. Make this your natural way of living, in that you don’t allow yourself to ever focus/identify with negative thoughts in your brain (no matter what arguments come forth for it).
You will see that the brain is quite intelligent at convincing you that you need to pay attention to its negative thoughts. It does so because it’s a survival machine and hence has the tendency to focus on danger/threats even if it’s just imaginary. It’s your choice to give attention to it or just ignore it by detaching your awareness from its pull.
Your job is to align your life’s movement
Well-being is the order of the day because life is a stream of well-being.
The only reason negative thoughts don’t feel good is because they conflict with the movement of life (movement of well-being). No matter how enticing a negative thought feels like, no matter how truthful it feels like, the fact remains that it’s in conflict with life’s movement.
A negative thought will never feel good to you, no matter how strongly you believe in its possibility for being the truth. That’s why I always maintain that there is no truth to negative thoughts, because life is not supporting it.
What will focusing on positive thoughts do?
So am I saying that your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner will never leave you if you don’t focus on negativity?
Well, if your boyfriend is a match to your joy and if there remains a compatibility between the two of you as you keep “growing” through life – he will stay in your reality.
But it’s also possible that at some point in your life you may out grow this relationship, in which case you will move into a reality which is more compatible with who you’ve become.
The point is that life will constantly keep you in a place of joy, in a place of well-being, by shifting your reality to match your joy.
Your job is to stay true to your joy, by aligning with your desires and letting go of negative thinking – allow life to then orchestrate the reality for you in a way that keeps reflecting this joy back to you.