How Can I Stop Worrying About My Relationship?

Posted on by Sen.


This was a query from one of the readers

I’ve been with my boyfriend for two and a half years. We have a great relationship but I constantly worry that something will happen that will make us break up. I don’t want to worry about this anymore because I know it won’t happen. Please tell me how I can stop this?

I’ve posted my reply as a blog entry so other readers with similar situation find insights that help let go of resistance.

When you look at life around you, and observe the various negative conditions in other people’s lives, it’s very easy for the brain to start thinking “what if this happened to me?” For example, you might notice that a lot of couples break up after a long term relationship and start worrying if that will happen in your relationship also. You feel worried because you realize that you cannot really control the “outside” reality through force – for example, you know you cannot control your boyfriend’s priorities/preferences/decisions. So you worry if he might decide to leave you, or something happens that causes a rift in the relationship. This is a valid “worry”, from the perspective of the mind, but it’s a “negative state” to be in. Negativity does not serve any purpose but to resist the flow of well-being into your life.

Let go of focusing on negative thoughts

If you stay aligned with thoughts that bring you joy, and stay detached from negative thoughts (by not feeding attention to them), it won’t be long before the momentum of negative thinking, in you, starts ebbing away – allowing you to start becoming free of resistance within. For example, when you get a thought in your brain which says “what if my boyfriend breaks up with me and this joy that I am feeling comes to an end”, just realize that it’s only a thought in the brain and it’s your choice to give attention to it. If you give attention to this thought, it will become stronger in force (it will repeat more often in your brain), and it will give you an illusion that your brain is obsessed with it – but in truth it’s not the brain that is obsessed with it (the brain is just a machine that interprets reality), but it’s your attention to this thought that creates fuel for its repetition.

So what’s the solution? Ignore, deny, detach, dis-identifiy with negative thinking, that’s all. It just takes some practice and discipline initially to not feed negative thoughts with attention. Make this your natural way of living, in that you don’t allow yourself to ever focus/identify with negative thoughts in your brain (no matter what arguments come forth for it). You will see that the brain is quite intelligent at convincing you that you need to pay attention to its negative thoughts – it does so because it’s a survival machine and hence has the tendency to focus on danger/threats even if it’s just imaginary. It’s your choice to give attention to it or just ignore it by detaching your awareness from its pull.

Your job is to align your life’s movement

Well-being is the order of the day because life is a stream of well-being. The only reason negative thoughts don’t feel good is because they conflict with the movement of life (movement of well-being). No matter how enticing a negative thought feels like, no matter how truthful it feels like, the fact remains that it’s in conflict with life’s movement. A negative thought will never feel good to you, no matter how strongly you believe in its possibility for being the truth. That’s why I always maintain that there is no truth to negative thoughts, because life is not supporting it.

So am I saying that your boyfriend will never leave you if you don’t focus on negativity? Well, if your boyfriend is a match to your joy and if there remains a compatibility between the two of you as you keep “growing” through life – he will stay in your reality. But it’s also possible that at some point in your life you may out grow this relationship, in which case you will move into a reality which is more compatible with who you’ve become. The point is that life will constantly keep you in a place of joy, in a place of well-being, by shifting your reality to match your joy. Your job is to stay true to your joy, by aligning with your desires and letting go of negative thinking – allow life to then orchestrate the reality for you in a way that keeps reflecting this joy back to you.








62 Comments

  1. Insecure thoughts

    This really helped me as I have been struggling with depression on and off for about a year. My boyfriend “dated” a dark skinned hatian girl who basically dated him because he was a lost puppy looking for love and because of that was easily fooled into draining his bank account whenever she asked. In short she was a gold digger taking advantage of this sweet but sheltered young man. Well shortly after we met, he broke up with her and shortly after we started dating. We fell inlove with eachother but I was always insecure because the ex worked right next door to us and he told me she was his first love the first girl he ever slept with (although he was far up the list on hers) and that he would still be with her if she didnt do this or that and that he would take her back.. All this other stuff that just made me hurt inside every time I saw her or thought of them together. It started to take a toll on my self esteem and the confident girl that I once was was reduced to a girl who I didn’t even recognize. A girl who was ugly, fat, who suddenly thought twice about everything.. Eventually she moved away but I notice that most of the girls he checks out look more like her than me, even on the computer I found bookmarks to websites of mostly dark skinned black women with white men and it just makes me think that she was his benchmark for what he is mostly attracted to and desires physically while I am just a rebound who he happened to grew to love. I felt like I was someone who he might not have ever looked twice at if we were to never have met the way we did. It just makes me feel second place and all I really want is to feel like I am his benchmark, his definition of beauty.. and not like some other girl is what defines it… because of this, it is tearing me apart and our relationship. Nothing could bring me to tears more easily than this exact issue right here. And it is ruining my life, my relationship and my happiness..

    1. Sen Post author

      As long as you aspire to be someone else’s benchmark, you will always be a prisoner to their approval and attention and this attitude will cause you to disconnect from your own inner guidance, joy and alignment. Like any human being you would desire to be in a relationship where you feel loved and respected, where your partner appreciates you for who you are (all the different aspects of your personality) and finds a connection/compatibility with you, a partner who likes being a part of your life and enjoys sharing his life with you. Such a relationship is a true celebration of life because it provides a reflection of love and joy, while also allowing you to fully express yourself as the person you are. But the paradox is that you cannot attract such a relationship unless you appreciate/accept yourself fully as who you are (every aspect of you) and you don’t feel “needy” of someone else’s approval or attention to make you feel good. As long as you are needy of someone’s love or attention, you will be stuck in a vibration of “lack” and hence will keep attracting relationships that reflect this lack-based vibration back at you. If you want to attract a positive relationship, you must first let go of all the thoughts patterns that create a vibration of unworthiness or lack in you. When you love yourself unconditionally, you will never feel needy of being the object of someone’s approval, attention or benchmark, and paradoxically this is the ideal vibration to attract a positive/harmonious relationship in your life.

      You mentioned that you were a confident girl before you got into this relationship, and that this relationship is becoming a reason for you to lose confidence in yourself. But if you look within yourself, and make an honest assessment, you will realize that you had issues with your confidence even before you got into this relationship, you were not a person who fully accepted and appreciated yourself as you are or else you would never have attracted a relationship that reflected a negative situation back at you. Everything we attract in our lives is attracted due to a vibration that is already present in us, and this reality that we attract just causes an amplification of this vibration through our attention to it. So even before you entered into this relationship you had a vibration of “lack of confidence” in yourself, and this relationship served to amplify this vibration because it brought these aspects into your attention more strongly.

      You can look at your present situation as a call to go within and sort out all the negativity/conflicts that are present in your mind owning to your past conditioning. Some of us take in a lot of negative conditioning during our childhood days and our growing years, and these patterns stay rooted in our mind operating subconsciously until we bring awareness to these patterns. Your external reality is only a mirror of your inner reality, of your thoughts/beliefs about yourself and your life. Don’t look towards finding joy/love/approval through others, but focus on yourself and look to be joyful of your own, look to love/respect yourself unconditionally, and you will see that you start attracting a relationship where your partner reflects this same love/respect back at you.

  2. Soulmate

    Thank you so much for these posts, this website, and your insight. I feel like I found it just when I needed it.

    I am in a situation and need some clarity.

    I am married and met someone who is also married. We did not plan on anything developing between us, but it did. We both recognized that there was tremendous power in this relationship. That there was honesty, connection, authenticity to it. We realized that this was unlike anything we had experienced before, including with our respective partners. We realized we shared a vision, and that we were both committed to helping others. We even realized that our respective spouses may have been the love of our lives, but that we were soulmates.

    I separated from my husband. I realized that I could not go forward in my marriage when it didn’t have this energy surrounding it. My husband and I have been able to recognize that we have grown apart, and I also realize that part of the reason I was able to connect in this new relationship is that I was unfufilled at home.

    But this is where the hurt comes into play. My new relationship constantly deals with confusion and feelings of guilt. He still maintains that we are soulmates, that in his heart he can see us together, but then he falls back into feeling guilty about leaving his wife. He says that he can see the potential of our relationship. He can see the greatness, the power, and that we would be able to live our lives together passionately, and fully. Yet, he states he’s not ready. He feels confused.

    I have become frustrated. I don’t understand how he can say we are soulmates (which I agree with), but say that he needs to take a break. Recently, he has said that he wants to try once more to work on his relationship with his wife. I resisted this from a place of fear (which I did not tell him). But ultimately, I told him that I needed a break, and that I couldn’t continue with this. He said he understood, and that he believes if we are meant to be together we will be. I agree.

    I know that once I am enough for myself, once I am full of joy and love in my heart, this won’t bother me. I know I need to shift my energy. But it feels really hard. So I was looking for your insight into how I can shift. Also, is it possible to focus on the beauty of our relationship and put it out to the universe that I want us to reconnect? Can I place that desire out in the world, that I would like the connection with this particular person, or do I have to release it completely? What is the boundary between longing, and having a clear vision?

    1. Sen Post author

      It’s never possible for a human mind to have “clear vision” of how the future will unfold, because all it can see is what is in front it and that too is subject to its own conditioned interpretations and judgments. The mind does not have the bigger picture, and its intelligence is limited to the calculations/interpretations it can make on the basis of past/present data available to it. It can never know what future is going to bring forth even 5 minutes in advance. You mentioned that you felt the two of you are soulmates, which may be your feeling right now in the present, but can you be 100% sure that the two of you will feel the exact same way after marriage or after one year of marriage? Your mind can make guesses, but it can never be fully sure. The simple truth is, that since the mind is anyway only “guessing”, it’s best that it makes positive guesses instead of making negative interpretations. When the mind is tuned to making positive interpretations about any situation, it lines up with the energy of your life stream and is no longer resistant to allowing the unfolding of a new and improved reality. Your job is to stay aligned with your life stream by focusing on being aligned with the vibration of joy, love, abundance, wellness and fulfillment – it’s upto you to figure out how you will accomplish this alignment, meditation helps, so does eating an ice-cream. It doesn’t really matter what you do, what matters is that you get back in alignment with the energy of your life stream and stay focused on being aligned. When you are aligned, everything that happens around you will be towards your greater good. When you feel aligned within, and see a relationship dissolving in your external, it just means that the relationship was not compatible with your new vibration and it also means that the relationship dissolved to allow space for a new/better relationship to come along.

      A situation by itself is just a situation, it can be painful or joyful to the mind at that moment, but whether its a negative movement or a positive movement depends on how we perceive it. Sometimes what looks like a negative situation to our mind turns out to be the “step” towards a very positive reality. For example, when a person loses a job his “mind” might imagine that something negative happened, but within a couple of months he finds himself in a business that matches his aptitude and passion, and feels grateful for having lost the previous job. So you can never know the exact reason why an “event” happens in your life, and since you can never know it’s best for the mind to stay hopeful and rooted in a positive interpretation of what’s happening and what’s to come.

      What you really desire is to have a relationship which fulfills you at all levels, where you find a deep connection with your partner. This desire of yours has been manifested in your life stream “non physically” because of the energy of this thought. Now this desire is moving towards a “physical” manifestation, and it’s pulling you (your human consciousness) towards it through the force attraction activated by your life stream. This pull is “real” and You can feel this pull in you physically, because whenever you think a negative thought, you can feel a tug in you created by the resistance of this thought to your life’s movement. So rest assured that your life stream is taking you towards the manifestation of your desired reality, of having a great relationship, and all you need to do is relax and allow it to happen without forcing any “interpretations” from your mind. Your mind can never know what is the “right” reality for you in the future, it can only judge on the basis of its present interpretations. Your life stream has the bigger picture, and it knows where its going, just trust this flow and understand that its moving in the direction of manifesting your desired reality.

      Instead of focusing on this specific person (which will, right now, activate some negative vibrations in you along with positive ones), you can look at focusing on the “general” feeling of what type of reality you would like to manifest. You want to experience a relationship that feels really good to you, which makes you feel a lot of love and connection. So focus on this feeling and this desire, without trying to put “specifics” of how it should unfold – when you tell yourself that its only possible to have a good relationship when this “particular person” is around, then you are not only rooted in lack-based thinking but also resisting the allowance the higher intelligence of life, and the movement of your life stream. It may be that this particular person comes back to you, and you have a relationship with him, or it may be that an altogether new relationship manifests in your reality in the next few days – your mind can never be sure, its job is not to try to work out the “specifics” but to have a desire and be aligned with it. Let life (your inner being/non-physical consciousness part of you/universal intelligence) decide who is the right person for you, because it has the bigger picture – you just focus on staying aligned with the vibration of joy in any way you can. Don’t allow yourself to believe any limiting/negative, or lack-based, interpretations of your mind – it doesn’t know better.

      From your words, it quite clear that you are presently dwelling in alignment, you are focused on being rooted in love/peace inspite of the agitations of the mind, and soon your reality will reflect the positive vibration that you are focused on.

  3. Nomind

    I feel that when I am alighned with my awareness. Time stops, the body seem to be on supercharge mode, I feel better but than mind takes over and you know it that mind is now in charge and time starts clicking. I read your prior posts regarding manifesting your desire. I would like this new reality but I felt I am bieng too greedy or asking too much from God. But than is it anything too much for the superconciousness.
    would like to be
    NO MIND

    1. Sen Post author

      When you are stable in your awareness, you will be able to deliberately choose the thoughts you give “attention” to and thus align yourself with positive thinking. It’s not about reaching “no mind” but about reaching “no negativity”. The mind is not the problem, the problem is with negative thinking. When the mind aligns itself with thinking positively ( in the direction of joy, love and abundance) it aligns with the natural vibration of your life stream, and thus you don’t feel resistance within yourself. The reason why the mind is so attuned to negative thinking is because of years of unconscious identification/attention towards negative thoughts. Now with the awareness that you have, it’s possible to break this identification with negative thinking and become a deliberate positive thinker. It not possible to ever reach a point where you will have no thoughts, what’s possible is to make the choice to align with positive thoughts and dis-identify with negative thinking. To become stable in awareness is a good practice to start dis-identifying with negative thinking.

  4. Mercy

    I read ur articles,tnx sen,but the problem i have right now is that,my boyfriend and I are not in good terms,i mean we av stopped talking to each other for a day now as a result of neediness which was from me,i confronted him wth few questions and he got angry,i have promised myself to change but do not know if i should settle the issue at hand and make a change or i should just let the pull ups be because am sure he is going to be the first to reach me and then let him know i have changed not by telling him but via my attitude,

    1. Sen Post author

      Your external reality is a mirror of your inner space. So when there is a shift in your inner space towards the positive, there will automatically be a shift in your external reality also. Just stay in this place allowing conscious intelligence to operate in you, and any actions that are required will be inspired in your body and will be executed in sync with the right timing. The “negative ego” part of the human consciousness/mind is always rooted in fear, and thus is looking to “manipulate” the outside to feel secure. When you start resting in your “heart” space or what I call “relaxed awareness”, you will no longer be pulled around by the manipulative tendencies of the negative ego, rather you will move from a place of wisdom following through on the right actions that will automatically get inspired in you on a moment to moment basis. It’s not for me to suggest if you should stay silent allowing your boyfriend to approach you or if you should approach your boyfriend first to resolve this squabble – but rest assured that as you allow yourself to stay connected with your heart or inner being, you will be guided through an inner wisdom on what needs to be done. This is what it means to be connected with your wholeness.

  5. Alliswell

    How does marriage figure into this?

    There should not be marriage, since it is a commitment for life? and there are no guarantees you and your life partner will continually move in the same direction together?

    1. Sen Post author

      There are different ways, and options, of living and different people choose different lifestyles based on what feels right to them at that state in their life. Preferences can change over time as we grow, and when we are aligned with ourselves our realities shift smoothly, dissolving old realities and allowing new realities to come forth. You are not a “prisoner” to any reality, but instead of “fighting” a reality it’s best to stay in a resistance free space and allow life to create circumstances that allow a smooth transition into a new reality.

      If marriage feels like the right thing to do, that’s exactly what you will end up doing. There are no guarantees of course in anything and everything is subject to dissolution. You may enjoy a lifetime of a single marriage, or you may grow out of a relationship and move into a different one – it depends on your own inner preference and growth. The more you are aligned within yourself the more you attract realities that feel congruent with you, the more disconnected you are with yourself the more you end up in conflicted realities. Eventually it’s all about inner alignment.

      When you are aligned within yourself there is a wisdom operating in your life which attracts well-being in your reality, the inner joy is what manifests as outer joy. In such an aligned state of being, you naturally move into realities that feel most congruent with your growth, preference and wellness. In the area of relationships, one may get into a committed relationship like a marriage, or stay in open relationships, some may even feel inclined to not involve in any intimate relationships – it’s all a personal choice, the only question is are you attracting this choice out of fear or out of alignment? Any reality that you attract from a place of fear/negativity leads to a negative reflection in some way (depending on the intensity of your inner negativity). When you are aligned with yourself you will automatically be inclined towards realities that feel aligned with who you are – there are no shoulds and shouldn’ts, diversity of options/experiences is what life is about. It’s like a buffet, you can choose what you like and decline what you don’t like.

      Marriage may not be an institution that’s suitable for “everyone”, but it can be extremely suitable for some people – such people enjoy the experience of a formally committed relationship, they enjoy the experience of working on the relationship, of growing together, of mutual understanding and the responsibilities of such an institution. It’s totally a “personal” preference, but first it’s essential to be connected with yourself to know what your real preference is in the stage that you are. Hence one needs to know if he/she is truly ready for such an experience and responsibility. The only way you can know if you are ready for a reality is when you are aligned within yourself, with your human make-up, with your heart’s preference, with the natural make-up of your mind. When you are conflicted within yourself and move from a place of confusion, you end up attracting some realities that reflect this conflict externally. So instead of focusing externally, its important to bring your focus “within” and become connected with yourself. From such a place of connection you will have the right foundation to attract a reality that’s most congruent with you, you will be fully aware of your inner preference and will move towards its manifestation.

      It’s fully possible that in a few years you may grow into a totally different preference, and may want to experience a different mode of living. And if you are aligned with yourself, life takes care of arranging your reality in a manner that allows the dissolution of the old reality and the emergence of your new reality in a wholistic, or harmonious manner. No reality is “binding” upon you, you are not tied to anything, you can only be tied to your “beliefs”, fears and conditioning – once you are free within, you always feel free on the outside.

  6. PrncsJen

    Hi,

    I found your article while doing a google search about worrying in my relationship. Here is my problem and hopefully you can provide some insight…..

    My last relationship ended suddenly with the death of my boyfriend. Seven years later, I am with a new guy, a wonderful guy. He loves and cares me for so much. The problem is that I am a worrier. I worry that he may leave me suddenly, whether death or whatever the situation. I worry about if I am keeping him…satisfied or will he find someone who will. I also worry about why he won’t open up and talk to me about things when I am normally open about everything.

    This is the longest relationship I have ever been in so I don’t know if that is part of the problem. I don’t want my worrying to cause the end of my relationship. I have tried to focus only on the positive, happy things, but the worrying still returns. Any thoughts?

  7. ben

    Sen, thank u for this message. I am 26 years and have been in a committed relationship a year ago. This lady seems to be the only lady i have really ever loved. The problem is all with me. I keep obsessing about her past and i keep bringing it up at every happy time we have. She has been in two failed relationships that wasn’t her fault anyways, they all cheated. I have always cheated or never really committed in any relationship and this happens to be my very first real commitment.

    I dont know if i am going crazy but i keep obsessing about her past to the extent that i can even ask her why she entered into a relationship with any of them in the first place. I have had anxiety problems with panic attacks and i keep having anxiety now more than ever. I seem to be helpless obsessing about what was happening when she was with them, if they were better than me, if she even cheated and never wants to tell me, and so many things that are plainly unnecessary. I fear she might get tired and leave but i cant seem to help it. To the extent that i dont even believe her when she tells me she loves me.
    What is wrong with me. I recently went off drugs for anxiety and now more than ever i am ready to work things out with myself in the natural way. Please help, Sen, i really need it.

    1. Sen Post author

      Ben, love cannot be forced in a relationship, it’s either present or its not. You cannot make someone love you forcibly by telling them to love you. What you can do is be true to yourself and sense if you are finding joy in this relationship, sense if the two of you are compatible with each other and enjoy sharing each other’s company in a manner that’s free of friction. If that’s not the case, be confident enough to move out of the relationship knowing that there is no “lack” in this world, and you can find a relationship which you enjoy and which is compatible. Let her be, let her live her life, don’t be so nosy about it, just see if you enjoy being with her as she is – if you do then why bother about her past? if you don’t then why bother with the relationship? Ask yourself, if she cheats on you, and you don’t know about it but you are enjoying the relationship with her, so what’s the harm? Your questioning her will not make her tell you the truth anyway. You just need to see if you are enjoying yourself in the relationship, if you are finding joy, that’s what’s important. As long as you are finding joy, the relationship is serving its purpose, it doesn’t matter what her past was or what she does when she is not with you. If you sense that you are not finding joy with her, be courageous enough to move on, follow your heart’s instinct – it’s way better than living in the exhausting environment of friction and strain of a dysfunctional relationship, and of course there is no lack, you will find something better.

  8. Natalie

    Wow…Who are you? I am so grateful that I came across your website. I have been searching for quite some time for someone else that understands and appreciates Buddhist philosophy as well as discusses polygamy, monogamy and sexual attraction with an open mind and no judgement. I haven’t known a single being to do so until now. I read several of your posts and they are well written, well developed and very helpful. I don’t feel like such a freak any longer, haha! Thank you.

  9. Sasha

    My boyfriend and I have been dating a little over a month now, (So it’s a greener relationship) but I feel like he has been giving me mixed signals, I’m the type to worry anyways. I always have been and it causes me to overthink these situations and at times I end up in tears, all because my mind has conviced me that he really is going to break up with me! It’s the small things that causes these thoughts to come to mind such as: When he doesn’t text me in a more positive mood than usual, he’s in an upset mood, or I tell him about something bothering me and that I just wish I was with him and all I get in a reply is “Oh.” or not even really a reply at all.
    I feel like I need him to tell me that he will not break up with me for me not to worry, this is getting so ridiclous and I hate it! having me down all the time, drowning in my worries is going to ruin our relationship and I just know it. ):

    1. Sen Post author

      Sasha, as long as you fear the fear a “break up” you stay a prisoner to this thought in your mind, and a lot of your actions will come from this fear. What’s needed is to totally allow this fear inside and no longer fear it, you become free of anything that you allow fully. In life you have to be open to the possibility of “change” which can often happen in the guise of a loss or a moving away of a reality or a relationship – if you fear loss you will fear living life, and this fear will make you a very weak person who can easily be exploited in the name of security. When you don’t fear the fear of loss, there is a freedom within you to enjoy a relationship for what it’s worth without feeling the need to “force maintain” it. Also, when you are no longer moving from the grip of this fear, you are more willing to look at the relationship with a clarity and deduce if it’s really compatible or not – if it’s not compatible you need to consciously move towards letting go of it instead of trying to cling to it from the fear that you can’t find a better one. You can read this post for more insight – Don’t fear fear and Finding love

  10. Dolores

    I am constantly a worrier and negative thoughts are always in my mind at the forefront. I really need to divert this negative into positive but don’t really know how. Here’s my story:
    It really hurts when my husband of 7 yrs spends alot of his time after getting back from office on the internet – mostly on facebook.
    I’ve quit my job recently, hence I can see the void between us increasing and his time with FB friends ever increasing. Maybe I was too busy working before & hence didn’t notice so much. Also he has always been a workaholic and that cannot be changed. He uses FB for business marketing too and sadly joined up with a few FB female friends to get into business associates. So if I question him on this points, his answers are ready: “you always knew that I am a workaholic, I don’t have any friends, the people on my FB are not my friends they are business associates, I am working on FB and so on”. Now he’s also started saying “You don’t trust me. It seems you do not want me to talk to any females, so I’ll quit my businesses & close them and quit my job”. The final request from me was for me to have his FB password and he gave it to me after deleting the history of private messages on FB with these women, saying that if you read the lines, you misinterpret every line and that he was not ready to fight it out with me since he was sick” Am I crazy?
    My point also is that I try to move on struggling to be positive in life and ignore these things but I know that women do not monitor or correct their husband’s behaviour, they become the foolish women who turned a blind eye to things and let it continue while every1 else knows. There are days where I think, I too need to be FB friends with some hunk to give husband the message, but it’s so demeaning that I can’t do it. There are also days where I think, if I can’t control my husband anymore, I’ve got to do something on FB to his female friends. What do I do to move on positively in life. Please guide as this is a very insecure time for me.
    PS: We don’t have kids yet, he says “how will we have kids when you hardly have sex” but he actually has a low semen problem & not willing to remedy it.

    1. Sen Post author

      Dolores, if you want a permanent solution you need to stop looking at the “outside” as the problem. As long as you use the outside to blame for you inner feeling of insecurity, you will stay a prisoner to the outside and hence there is no scope for any real freedom. What’s needed is to find your power within yourself, your inner sense of stability is what gives you this power. Any negativity in your personal reality is a symptom of an inner imbalance in you, created through suppression of some form either of the light nature or dark nature in you – the way to heal this suppression is through coming to a state of conscious allowing within yourself. You can read this post http://www.calmdownmind.com/healing-the-imbalance/ for more insight.

  11. NikkiJae

    My boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years, aside from a breakup we had in December when he left me for another girl. He begged for me back a week later, and after four months of his begging for me to take him back, I finally agreed. We’ve been happy up until abfew weeks ago. He used to swear he wasn’t doing drugs again, and even though I had doubts, I believed him. Until someone told me he still was and he was forced to come clean about it. We agreed to work through it, because I understood thar quitting was a hard thing. It’s a long distance relationship, and last week I went down to visit him. He had gotten close to a girl name Jessica a few weeks prior and even though it bothered me, I accepted that he was going to make new friends, guys and girls, and I trusted him. But then on my way down to where he lived (a sixteen hour drive) the girl, Jessica, called me and said her and my boyfriend had been sexting and she sent him nudes he had asked her for. I freaked. I asked him about it and he still swore that he had never cheated on me with her, or anyone else. I found it strange that as I’m on my way to visit him, the girl called me and claimed such abthing. My boyfriend told me she had said she liked him and he turned her down right before it all happened. Even throughout the visit, with her sending me “proof”, he denied cheating. He’s the type to come clean when caught. He did about the dthat. Now there’s accusations that he has two other girls hes cheating on me with, but he’s so worried that I’ll cheat on him, I don’t know what to believe. The girl happens to be best friends withhold his ex, who still cares about him. And she once told him she used to be a slut… if he still swears, even with talk of proof, that he never cheated on me, but there’s still accusations of two others… what do I do? I believe him, but the accusations have me consumed in fear and worry…

    1. Sen Post author

      Eventually, your experience of a relationship is your deal and you need to make a call on the basis of your instinct. It’s just that when you have a lot of insecurities you may not be willing to listen to your instincts, in-spite of it being very clear and loud. So the bottom-line is to first reduce the momentum of insecurity/negativity within you, so that you are free enough to listen, and stand true, to your instinct. You can spend some time connecting with yourself and just getting in touch with your inner voice, get a sense of what really feels true within you, whether you are putting up with something dysfunctional out of your own insecurities about wanting to hold on to your bf or whether you truly sense that this relationship feels aligned with your sense of balance/wholeness. The more time you spend connection with your inner space the more clearly you will be able to listen to the voice of wisdom within you.

  12. Orlando

    “So what’s the solution? Ignore, deny, detach, dis-identifiy with negative thinking”

    Sen, so it’s okay to ignore negative thoughts? Some of your writings say not to ignore (and to allow instead), but this clearly points to ignoring/dis-identifying. Please clarify because this particular article is older.

    1. Sen Post author

      Orlando, the bottom-line is to come to a place of being fearless of the mind movement, so if you are trying to ignore from a place of fear it’s basically going to keep fueling your mind’s momentum, however when you come to a place of truly being free of being fearful of the mind you can ignore thoughts that don’t feel relevant in your being anymore. You have to be honest with yourself if you are trying to ignore the mind out of fear or because you are free enough to sense its irrelevance.

  13. Riley

    Hi,

    I really am confused right now of what to do. I wasn’t used to people liking me during my younger years. When I got to college, there was this dude who likes me, when I found that out, I told him that I like him to when the truth was, I was just flattered that he likes me, and by the time he wasn’t talking to me anymore because I don’t pay attention to him, I put a conclusion to my mind that I like him even though what I really want is just for someone to admire me. We dated and I was not comfortable with the relationship. I had a crush on some guy in our school, but then he was dating another girl. I was always hoping for him to like me, but then I had a boyfriend, which I really don’t like. I don’t know how to get out of the relationship, and so when my crush and I started to be really close, and I know he likes me too, I broke up with my boyfriend because I know somebody else would catch me. And I hate being lonely, because I haven’t experienced real love because my parents left me with my not so lovable relatives who treats me like i’m a piece of trash.

    Now, my crush became my boyfriend, we are dating for more than a year. We keep on arguing because he seems like the time of guy who becomes easily attracted to girls especially when a girl really goes for him. I don’t know what to do, I just cry every time. I lost my self worth. I want him but I don’t know how to fix myself. If I break up with him, he might fall for somebody else, and I would be left with my mean relatives. :(

    I really want to make my life straight and cool, I don’t know where to start. Please help me.

  14. Samantha

    Hi,

    I have been with the same guy for two years. On and off. We met in high school, and we just fell in love. He left me twice for other girls. He always came back to me each time. This time he came back, and everything is so much different. He treats me so well. I can tell that he is genuine. Before I met him, I had other boyfriends. I cheated on all of them. As soon as I met him, I never wanted to again. I had found the person for me. I guess I am just having some trouble dealing with the fact that he left me so many times. I’m very insecure now, and I am always getting onto him about something. I’m always needing him to reassure me. He always does too. He’s always patient with me. He’s admitted he did wrong. He’s apologized over and over again. I can see the pain in his eyes. I know he wants me to trust him again like I used to. We have been struggling now for almost a year to get back on track. My worries are getting worse and worse. I freak out. I break down every day. I’m so tired of dealing with this. He’s everything and more to me. I want our relationship to blossom. I want to have faith in him and know everything is going to work out. He’s wanting to marry me one day, and I am so scared that he’ll change his mind again and leave. These worries are killing me. I can’t live like this anymore.

  15. Mark S

    this is really good advice. I’ve never look up advice on the internet before but lately I’ve been concentrating on the negative and my partners past. I’m in a great relationship but everynow and then i get anxious outbursts, usually when i’m tired.

    It’s all in the brain – i’m going to put in an effort to replace negative with positive.

    Cheers Sen – you should chuck some google ads on this to pay for your time.

  16. anca

    Hi Sen,

    the decision of breaking up at some point when you see that the physical reality is different from what you imagine (we never meet anymore, never talk and really communicate) could be a sign that this attitude is right and aligned with the real flow of life? There are fears from both sides and for a long time I try too have patience with this relationship having deep feelings of love. But now I want one thing – to see the reality, even this means that something in me wants to say goodbye because ours centers never meet anymore. We are now like acquaintances even I say I love you and somehow feel a strong connection, he says he wants to keep the relationship but it is very strange: We never actually meet anymore, never share anything , any thoughts, anything. When I want to break up I think maybe this is wrong and I am trying to escape my own fears by doing this. But facing those fears I still see the truth of this physical reality of us never touching each others souls, and we are so far away from one another. I want too see the illusion and I want to see the reality and do the right thing according with the truth of the life stream. How can you know that you are choosing the right decision when this is the the moment – the moment when you want to act according to reality- when all your fears come up and your mind pulls so many, many tricks now? Should I ask him what is his reality, what he sees in this nothingness of us? Sometimes I feel guilty that I am not patient enough with this relation but when the frustration and fears arise something in me says Let go! And than I feel strong to have more patience but nothing changes in the reality of relationship. Even I don’t expect very much , I don’ t feel neediness, I want a communication at least, a space of connection between us, but it does t happen anymore. It seems like life in its wisdom is already breaking us apart. Thank you so much.

    1. Sen Post author

      Anca, one cannot ever “try” to have feelings of love, it doesn’t work that way. You either naturally have a feeling of connection, or you don’t, it doesn’t develop through “trying” from a place of making it happen. The feeling of connection is privy to evolution and growth, sometimes a strong connection and dwindle away with time (as we grow or evolve), or a weak connection becomes stronger with time – but it happens naturally. Your focus should be on your growth, your present awareness, your present desire, rather than trying to “tweak” a connection. It’s also possible that you feel a sense of “love” for a person, which is not really reciprocated in any way in terms of developing the type of relationship you desire – in which case you need to question if there is wisdom behind your heart’s feeling of attraction for this person. Basically, you need to make a reality check – are you holding on to the relationship for the wrong reasons, like the fear of being alone, the fear of hurting the other person (or yourself), the fear of not finding a better relationship, the fear of making the wrong decision. The truth is, you can’t be certain of the “rightness” of a decision, you can only follow through on a wisdom that you sense within you – you can be privy to this wisdom when you are not moving from a place of fear or guilt. There are no mistakes in life, there are only growth experiences, you can be sure that any decision you take will always take you towards your growth, so there is nothing to fear – that’s one truth you can totally rely on.

      You can just allow yourself to be “open” (free to allow the truth of a situation to make itself known), without asking for a specific reality with respect to your relationship (like wanting to hold on to it). In your openness your life-stream will bring forth the required clarity, by orchestrating events that can help you make the decision.

  17. ruth

    Hello,
    i am very pleased to have found this webpage..i too have something id like your help on please.
    I have been married just over 2 years and have been with my husband nearly five. I am happily married and i have a wonderful husband who i love and who loves me very much. there is not a day that goes by where i dont show him how much i love him, or where i dont feel loved. I too am a natural worrier and i tend to over analyse things. ive had General Anxiety disorder and am still on mild medication for it. So i know i worry and get anxious… recently, I keep thinking about the fact that our relationship has changed (obvious right?) from when we first met,ie we have grown and developed. However i seem to worry about the same thing over and over again which is: ‘i wish when we kissed it was more like the first time!’ and what i mean by that is i have found that kissing in a long term relationship has changed, its gone from those electrifying firework kisses to nice kisses, more like pecks. i still love kissing him because i love him, but a part of me misses that electrifying feeling you get from your first kisses and touches. (sometimes in the midst of my worry, i think ‘am what i am comparing us to now, did it ever really be like that?’ or have i over exaggerated the way we were to make the present feel even more different?’ Am i fuelling my own negativity by embellishing the past because i cant quite remember it exactly to make my worry have meaning and truth?) . i suppose that initial chemical feeling of a new relationship does change/fade does it? when im having these obsessively repeatitive worries about change in kissing i never spend time thinking about how i now feel so loved, so safe, so secure, how great we get on, how we make eachother laugh, how we enjoy sitting on the setee cuddling up together, how i still think hes as gorgeous as when i first met him…ah no! it always goes back to the kissing thing! what i am untimately scared of is ‘am i missing out on something thats supposed to be there for a successful marriage?’ are things doomed by the way our kissing/passionate snogs have changed over time? and i become quite anxious and worried about this now possibility being my new reality.
    (god its exhausting!)
    I am a practising catholic too so i realise that worying really doesnt do anything, but i think im the type of person who needs solutions in order to move on from a negative thought. I think in the back of my mind i realise that god forbid if the kissing thing was different, and the love was no more etc etc then there maybe something to look into, but because 99% of the time i am pleased to see this man i married, i am chuffed to call him my husband and i really love him, i do sometimes wonder if ive just gotten into the habit of the worry and my mind cant leave it alone!?
    please shed some light on this for me, because i am very open with my husband and we’ll talk about everything, and whenever i mention how things have changed i swear i can see this thought of ‘is she not happy now’ drift over his eyes, and thats not what i want.

    1. Sen Post author

      Ruth, an undeniable truth about life is that all its realities have a “light” and a “dark” nature – it’s not possible to do away with this nature of life because this nature is inherent to life. Every reality has a contrast present in it, which is what it’s dark nature is. It’s like how light always produces a shadow. For example, during the early part of your relationship there was the “electrifying” feel to everything like kissing or touching, which can be inferred as the “light nature” of that reality, however there was also the presence of an instability in that you were just learning to be comfortable with each other and there was a lot of effort involved in putting up your best “appearances”, which can be inferred as the “dark nature” of that reality. Currently, in your relationship, you have a sense of stability, ease and a relaxed-trust, and no real sense of effort towards maintaining appearances, which can be inferred as the light nature of this reality, however it no longer has the electrifying sense that was present during the “newness” of the relationship, which can be inferred as the dark nature of this reality. The truth is that there is no such thing called “perfection” in life, because every reality offers/brings a “contrast” along with it – every reality has its own dark nature, this is why I find life to be deeply ordinary because it can’t do away with this limitation in its own nature. You can take any reality you want, and you will find the presence of a dark nature component along with the light nature component. Understanding this truth about life will help you do away with delusional thinking (where you think about some vision of a “perfect” reality which is purely light natured) and hence allow you to have a mature outlook towards life, this will allow you to lead a life of wisdom and clarity instead of being rooted in delusion and confusion.

  18. KK

    Sen,

    So happy to find this website! I ended a three year,horrible relationship a few months ago and am very relieved to have done so. About 3 weeks later, I met someone great who makes me very happy. As often is the case, we spent tons of time together in the first few weeks. He seemed really into me, so much so that I found it a little overwhelming. We still spend time together and talk daily, but I have these negative thoughts that keep creeping up despite the outside appearance that everything is great. I think it may have something to do with the fact that we dont see each other as often (although objectively I know that we both have other commitments, family, life that has to be attended to as well!) and perhaps partially because of lingering issues from this previous relationship (lots of fighting and infidelity). However, I try not to dwell on the past and I know that past relationships are not necessarily indicative of future ones.

    He tells me his misses me all the time, but he’s not as over the top and sweet as he first was. But, if he doesnt call when he says he will or if I dont see him for a few days, I feel kind of panicky and doubtful, like it all will end. I hate feeling this way, as I know that we have a great connection and it is dampening all of the good feelings I have about the relationship. I feel like I am in a way ruining this for myself with these negative thoughts.

    I do have other things going on in life, like dealing with a sister who is an addict and a job I am not particularly satisfied with. I have a history of anxiety, and my personal belief is that I am allowing these negative aspects of my life to fester and I am transferring this negativity into my relationship. So I have been going to al-anon and practicing yoga in an attempt to address these issues.

    However, part of me has a nagging sensation that perhaps things are fizzling out in this relationship and I dont know how to shake it. And I know that sometimes these things happen in relationships, but I dont want to have that fear or thought if it isnt really the case.

    I really want to enjoy this relationship and just take it as it goes, see what develops. But these fears and doubts I have are making it so difficult.

    Any thoughts or words of wisdom?

    Many thanks in advance!

  19. KH

    Sen,

    I came across this website a week ago and since it has brought me much needed clarity. Thank you. I write to you now because I am seeking an alternate perspective on the following matter – what are your thoughts about a spouse remaining contact with an ex, respectfully?

    For example, my husband stays in touch with an ex girlfriend (whom is married and her husband is comfortable with their friendship) and this is the only friend he has besides his male best friend. We are not fond of opposite gender friendships but she seems to be an exception and I had never questioned this until now. I trust my husband and his judgement, I trust that he would not lead a friendship with a female if he thought she was in it for the wrong reasons. I have never met her because they haven’t seen each other since high school. My husband is a loyal man, and he tells me that she is not of importance but is the only other friend in his life to whom he can share a less intimate conversation with besides myself and his male best friend. Lately, I have been questioning this and can not understand the necessity for their random conversations? Why would some one want to stay in touch with someone of whom has no importance? Am I being irrational?

    I have discussed this with him multiple times and he mentions there being no specific reason for their friendship other than her being the only other person in his life that he knows. Last week, he said that if it continued to make me feel uneasy that he would stop talking to her. And he did. But now I feel guilty for intruding on the only other friendship he has. Understand that I am (excluding the random catch ups with the ex) the only woman in my husband’s life – it’s a bit awkward when he is receiving a birthday text at midnight while I am attempting to wish him a good one. Is that even appropriate? It freaks me out that she remembers his birthday every year, etc. And never forgets to reach him.

    We are respectful of each other’s space/being and never tell each other what to do – I feel as if I’ve done that. We are not those kind of people.

    Is her “exclusivity” tugging at my imbalanced nature for purely personal unresolved reasons? Would you say my reaction is not “accepting” and therefore, may induce negativity in our lives? Is this normal? Is my response rational? Or not?

    Please advise.

    Thanks in advance.

    1. Sen Post author

      KH, to start with, it’s a normal reaction – as human beings we have a natural tendency to have some possessiveness about our intimate relationships and that’s fine. But like everything, if possessiveness becomes imbalanced, it become a problem. You may want to work on seeing reality as it is instead of working on delusional thinking where you interpret the situation other than what it really is. You mentioned that – “we’re not fond on opposite gender friendships”, which is actually a “preference” that comes from a certain mindset and that’s fine, but there are also people who like having friends in the opposite sex even though they are deeply intimate with their partner and the “friends” are just friends, there is no intention of sexual intimacy. This preference of yours could indicate that you are not really interested in having a “guy friend”, and are quite happy with your girl friends and the friendship of your husband as the guy influence in your life. You might also have a thinking that “I shouldn’t need a guy friend if I have a good relationship with my husband” – which is again fine, it’s just a way of thinking, a preference, and different people have different preferences. I can understand that it’s tough for your mind to not question the “friendship” or the need for it, with respect to the woman in question and also your husband. She might just be a woman who enjoys having friendship with the opposite sex, while feeling fully satisfied (emotionally/physically) in her marriage – because since your own thinking is not aligned with such a preference, it’s normal for you to wonder how such preferences work.

      You can use this situation as a means to open up your thinking, with respect to friendship among opposite sex. For example, it’s totally normal for a lot of girls to remember birthdates of their male friends, and they make it a point to text at mid-night – in order to make him feel special, in a friendly way, it’s just a sweet gesture for her. You obviously don’t have that type of a mindset, but you would want to develop the awareness to understand how different minds work so that you are not imposing your way of thinking on others and thus misinterpreting them. You could possibly have an dinner together with her, like you and your husband and her, just so that you can sense the difference in her personality from yours – you might possibly even like her and want to be friends with her, even if that’s not the case you may just see that there is nothing surreptitious in the connection between your husband and her. Your husband comes across as someone who is sincere and who respects your feelings, to the point of assuaging your fear by choosing to not talk to her since it makes you uncomfortable – such guys usually are not into “cheating”. You may just want to see reality of “pure” friendship among opposite sex, and it could possibly open up a new perspective in you.

    2. Kristin

      KH, I came on here looking for my own advice so naturally I have been reading every post. When I came across yours I decided that I would share my experience with this. I happen to be one of those girls that has several guy friends but out of respect for my guy friend, their relationship and their girlfriend I always make it a point to be friendly with the girlfriend. This is actually how I met my best friend. I feel that if she had any respect for your marriage then being friendly with you would be a priority. His intentions may be good but dont feel guilty you asked him to cease communication because like I said if she respected his relationship with you then she would have introduced herself to you and made it a point to be friendly.

  20. lulu

    Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom Sen.

    I have developed awareness of my thoughts since I read “power of now” by Tolle 3 years ago. I have effectively stop identifying with my thoughts, however I did not start consciously allowing fears and thoughts until I discovered your blog 5 days ago by googling “letting go of fears”. I feel it is no coincidence I discovered your blog. I sensed that letting go is what I needed to do as I still get pulled into the mind when my fears arise even though I have developed awareness of them.

    I have been dating a girl for about a year now and we love each other. She is a great girl and treats me great. Vice versa. I had a bad experience in the past being cheated on. I was younger and at the time in a state of low to no awareness therefore I just pushed it aside completely. Clearly this is where my present fear comes from.

    I have been having paranoid thoughts about being cheated on and has been causing friction in our relationship. I have been allowing these fears and thoughts to come up and have their moment since I began reading your articles. It has been extremely unpleasant feeling the fear that I could be cheated on again. The negative feelings do subside after a while. I am still having a difficult time “being OK” with the possibility of being cheated on again. I can see through this fear but currently it is still very strong. I feel like I need some logical explanation that being cheated on is no big deal, but frankly I still feel like it is a huge deal. The possibility of someone going behind your back after you put your heart into it is terrifying. Despite this I should keep on resting in a place of conscious allowing and facing the feelings and thoughts completely, and being easy on myself if I get pulled into the mind once in a while. Is this correct?

    I know this is about coming to a place of wholeness rather than just patching up a particular fear. However this is definitely the strongest fear I have experienced in life. I am grateful this is coming up – a chance for growth.

    Thank you so much.

  21. Amanda

    Sen,

    Hi. Thank you for you information regarding these questions. I have found them very helpful and useful. I was wondering if you could give me a little insight on my current situation with my live-in boyfriend.

    I’m 36 years old I met my boyfriend 6 months ago and we instantly hit it off and he moved in 2 weeks later. Looking back I probably jumped the gun and maybe should have waited.

    I noticed that he was friending a lot of woman (and girls – very young like 18, hes 42) on Facebook. When I asked him about this he said he is trying to build up his friends for his chef consulting business. I didn’t understand why he would want an 18 year old girl from California on there.. But I trusted that he really had a good reason for it…

    After that I notice he looked at woman…a lot..and the Facebook thing just didn’t stop. I do have to admit I was on his case a lot about it..even went through his phone (which I don’t do anymore and I know is wrong) and found messages that he sent to a girl he met on a dating website right before he met me saying “hello beautiful” I confronted him and he said its just a term of endearment and she lives in London so there was no chance of anything happening. This still doesn’t sit well with me.

    The second thing I found on his phone was a message to an ex-girlfriend he dated right before me (for 2 months) telling her he “missed hanging out with her”. Of course I confronted him and it was a huge blow out. He said I’ve been pushing him away and he needed to reach out. I asked him to stop talking to her and he yelled saying I can’t tell him who I can and can’t talk to. I was hurt that he didn’t understand where I was coming from. She later texted him again telling him her daughter was in an accident. I saw the text and told him I didn’t think it was appropriate to text her back or just say politely that you hope her daughter is ok but she really shouldn’t contact him again. He flipped out and again said he’ll talk to who he wants to and I was selfish for not caring about her daughter. He still didn’t understand.

    That was 2 months ago. The Facebook thing is still going on and he still insists its none of my business who he is friends with, even though they are half naked woman posing and whatever….Yesterday I just saw a tweet he wrote to a news anchor woman telling her she has beautiful legs.

    I am really trying to decipher weather or not I am just being overly jealous or if there is a true problem. I know the world won’t end if I end the relationship but I don’t trust my feelings sometimes.

    I really need some insight to whether or not I am imagining things or there is really something I should be upset about. I am trying to accept him and be spiritual and loving but I’m also feeling betrayed.

    Thank you SO much

    1. Sen Post author

      Amanda, when you say – “I am trying to accept him and be spiritual and loving” – it’s an indirect way of saying – “my instinct tells me something is wrong, but I want to keep trying to love because that’s the spiritual/right thing to do”, and basically this form of reasoning is usually the reason why people disconnect from reality and end up in a confused/deluded state of thinking. It’s quite obvious, if you refer to your own instinct, that there is a lack of connection in your relationship – in this comment you mentioned “he doesn’t understand me” thrice, which is exactly what your gut instinct tells you. The reality of your relationship is pretty obvious, that’s it not something where you feel the type of connection that you want to feel, beyond that it’s upto you whether you want to wait till the signs are more obvious. A pointer for you would be to stop trying to hold on to ideas about spiritual love (or trying to selfless at the cost feeling betrayed), and just be more human in terms of following your instincts with respect to how you feel in a relationship.

  22. Jeff

    The question I have, and I hope to get a response soon, that is not addressed anywhere where I see on here or other sites (which this is an extremely good article) when you are in the moment where you hear or had heard something that triggers that flag, do you hold it in, do you tell her, if she asks do you just say all is ok when she knows somethings wrong. And if you do you realize when you open up you are the idiot and feel worse? That is the question. What to think and do away from the situation is not the issue. In the heat of insecurity or emotion, what should you do? Thank you,

    Jeff

    1. Kevin W.

      Jeff, if you feel yourself getting overcome by emotion or insecurity to the point where it controls your actions, then that is a sign of built up emotional energy within you. The key is to become aware of that emotion when it arises and simply allow it to be there without reacting to it or trying to suppress it. That’s the only way to release that energy. You can tell her how you are feeling at that moment, or you can choose to keep it to yourself, but ultimately you have to deal with the emotion/insecurity that you are feeling in that moment and learn to allow it to the point where it no longer has power over you. When something triggers your flag, you can do one of three things: 1) React to the emotion, which ultimately does nothing to help the situation 2) Suppress the emotion, which only causes it to boil inside of you and come back later. Or 3) You can allow the emotion to be there without fighting or resisting it, which eventually will lead to that emotion being released. If you search this site, you will find many articles about dealing with emotional buildup and things like that. When you start to become aware of this emotion and focus on just simply allowing it to be there, you’ll see that it no longer has power over your reactions anymore.

      The author, Sen, mentioned something about how he is busy with work relating things so I thought I would try to answer your question. Hope this helps!

      Kevin

  23. The skeptical feeling is/was/...is taking over

    I’ve known my current boyfriend for 5 months now, and we have been dating for two.
    I didn’t plan on having him as a boyfriend, given that I had just broken up with my ex a month before meeting him.
    The connection we have is rather scary… it’s unreal. We’re so opposite, but so alike. We’re so in tune to the point of having the same actions/movements at the same time, saying things at the same time, stealing each others thoughts, finishing sentences, you get the point. We even have the exact same views on life, the world, and everything. With the same inhibitions.

    What lead me here, however, is the weekend that just passed. I had awoken one morning and had a major ephiphany which concluded in me realizing all the faults in myself. Before that morning, I knew I felt blocked. From myself, and more certainly from him, and I didn’t know why. The problem I had realized with myself was that I wouldn’t come across as being that easy to talk to in regards to having friends of the opposite gender.
    When I went over to his house, I apologized. He was sitting beside me as I looged into his facebook with his permission [since he’s seen mine lots and I haven’t his].

    What I discovered nearly broke my heart. He was talking to this girl named Amanda, who he has told me about before. But why it broke my heart was the first message I saw. “Coffee or something soon times ok”
    The last thing he had told me in regards to her was that he didn’t want to talk to her anymore, or meet her or have me meet her. [They never met] Nothing leading to the message I discovered was in a positive light.

    So, I clicked on it, and apparently they’ve been talking, and apparently she can’t message me when I’m around, and he has to delete messages.

    The fact that he went out of his way to do that is what hurt me. He talks to this girl Sam [his friends gf] and was helping her with some stuff and I’m fine with that. Why? Because he was open about it.
    His reasoning for hiding Amanda is because whenever he talks about her I give him “a look” and don’t seem happy about it. That look is mostly because he’s rambling. Also because he talks to me about bad things regarding Amanda and her bf. And the message he deleted was just him saying that he would have dated her if he never met me. Why would that upset me? I know that. I know they wanted to date. They settled on being friends. And she has a bf.

    I told him that hiding things like that is a sign of weakness. If he wants a relationship where he doesn’t feel it necessary to be confortable in, then I’m certainly not his girl.

    He knows that I’m back on my way to spiritual ascension, and he sort of knows what I’m capable of.
    He says he’s happy that I stopped it in its tracks, and that he’s still learning. He was really apologetic, and promises not to do it again. He agrees that he’s lucky that I’m still with him, because of how every other girl would have handled the situation, and left him.

    I’m his first love, and the one who took his virginity.
    Although that means a lot to me, this situation has really made me question his ability to maintain sight in the value of this relationship.

  24. Bella

    I have quite a bit of worries myself. My boyfriend will be starting to work out of state on the road shipping items. I get sooo nervous that he is going to cheat on me. He has NEVER given me any reason at all to not trust him. And he tells me all the time that he would never do that to me that he is not a cheater, that it would de-sensitize him and he would never subject himself to that. I’ve been hurt numerous times in the past, and this is why I think I worry so much….I just want to trust him and not have these crazy negative thoughts in my mind. He is the best thing that has happened to me and I dont want to lose him :( Someone please help!!!

    1. Vrajesh

      Dont worry. I know you will though its a fear of you being hurt again that is worrying and you already know that dont you? Its time to be brave. You care about him so care about him fully, the fear is for you to deal with, you have to be brave and be with him now fully rather than trying to worry about if he will cheat or not. There is never a guarantee. I broke up with my past 2 year gf because i didnt feel connected to her anymore…i started becoming attracted to other girls etc etc…I didnt cheat because i promised myself i never would so i didnt.

      You may feel like you are going to lose him and stuff but you know what even if you did you will always find a way to love life again. Dont attach yourself, i know its hard not to but be free, its a choice you have to make.

  25. Joanne

    Dear Writer,

    I have discovered your blog post through a Google search of, “How to stop worrying about my future in the relationship.” It did not give me the exact answers I hoped for. However, coming across your blog has gave me comfort. I noticed that there are people who have their own concerns in their own relationship and also blog about it too. I felt that I was not the only one. I’d like to tell you my own worries I have been dealing with for the past couple of days.

    My boyfriend and I have not been dating for a long long time. Not even a year. But, I know I am definitely into my boyfriend and I could deal with all of him everyday and night. Yes, he could be a big butt at times. But I still truly love him with all of my heart. Few days ago, my boyfriend told me face to face that he might not be able to marry me. He told me that once his parents say no it is a simple strict no. This talk wasn’t really out of no where but.. since I guess I kept bringing up the future for quite awhile these past days. It seemed he had to tell me the simple truth or expectation. He told me that his dad even arranged a blind date for him at the age of 18. She was Chinese and she flew directly from China to meet him.
    My boyfriend has mentioned to me that if his dad finds out about me and our relationship. His dad will make my boyfriend end the relationship immediately or he will be kicked out of the house. Now, he is only 21 years old and doesn’t really have a stable job yet. He does work part time and go to college but… in this economy today.. it is very hard to make money. My boyfriend told me that he would have to break up with me, because of his dad.
    This breaks my heart and every time I think of what he told me. I just feel that our relationship is a fast quick sand. It seems I am tormented by it and I could not seem to stop thinking about it. Although, he has told me a couple of times to just let it go and forget about it. He also would not like to discuss this matter anymore because it will ruin what we have now. So, I don’t know what to do to forget about what he said. I even cried for almost two hours in my dark room about this and I just went completely shut down.

    I’m scared to lose him. I love him with all of my heart. If anyone could respond. I would greatly appreciate it.

    Thank you for listening.
    – Joanne.

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