This is a post about how love, and attraction, operates in our human expression, the various pitfalls of it and how to come to a place of balance in this dimension. Love when it’s not touched by fear is like “appreciation”. The same love when touched by fear turns into neediness, and this neediness can, and mostly does, turn into hatred (either self-hatred or hatred towards the person/object that’s creating the neediness). The way our brain/heart is designed is that it attaches itself to the object of love in a very biological way – the heart creates cellular memories within itself towards the object of love, as does the brain. In fact it’s natural for a brain to “unconsciously” keep thinking/obsessing about the person/object of love causing the formation of strong neural pathways about the subject involved.
Love is like a “focus”, anything you love captures your attention. Anything you give focus to starts becoming “physical” within you – memories, neural pathways, heart connection are all physical connections that get made in your body; a memory is a physical creation because it’s energy condensing into a thought that’s stored up in the brain or heart or in the cells (called cellular-memory). So whenever you love something/someone all these physical connections get created in you. The problem is not with these connections, the problem is the sense of “attachment”, or contraction, onto these connections. If you’re attached to these connections, you feel “threatened” by the idea of the object of your love leaving you. The only reason you become attached to a connection is because you start deriving your sense of “self”, or identity, from it and feel that if you lose this connection you will lose who you are.
Don’t make your love into your identity
When your awareness is lost in mind-identification, all the connections in the mind become a sense of identity – starting from your beliefs, opinions and conditioning, to your objects of love. When your sense of self is dependent on the connections, you become highly “possessive” of them, and your love turns into neediness – you can’t help this when your awareness is fully lost in mind-identification (by mind here I am implying to all your physical thought space created by your memories, heart connection and neural pathways).
Love without fear is always pure and enjoyable. Like when you love your grandma or when you love a beautiful sunset, you are not trying to “possess” the object of your love, and hence there is only appreciation. However, there are many times when the brain will immediately create a sense of identity with the object of love, also the heart creates an energetic “connection” with the object of love (the heart has its own memory), especially in intimate relationships. It may seem “cute” to see a guy or a girl being possessive in their love for their partner, but it only looks cute from the outside, because you can’t realize the actual fear, and negativity, that person is going through due to this possessiveness.
They say that the person who is less attached is more in control of the relationship – this is true, because when you are less attached, you feel more free and hence you are not craving attention or approval. However, I am not saying that you need to be “less attached” because that again becomes some form of brain strategy coming from a place of fear – you can try to be less attached out of fear of hurt and this just makes you not be in the relationship fully, thus, not really enjoying the deepest intimacy of the relationship and always holding some distance. This form of fear-based distancing is not what I am talking about, because that’s just another approach of the brain. What I am talking about is the space of freedom, where you are no longer deriving your sense of identity from the connections, to the point where you can fully immerse yourself in a relationship without being needy of it, you are not afraid of letting go when needed. You can’t pretend to be in this place, it’s not a mind game. You reach this place when you let go of being lost in the mind’s pull and start sensing yourself as the space of life, or space of being, beneath the mind (its just a pointer, and something in you can recognize it if you don’t read purely with your brain). If your mind has a high momentum, you will be a prisoner to its pull all the time.
What about sexual attraction?
Is sexual attraction a form of love? The way I see it, sexuality and love are two different dimensions in the mind. Seeing these dimensions separately can help one get a better understanding of the dynamics of the emotional love and the sexual attraction (or what’s called “lust”). You can lust for the person you love, but every person you lust for need not be your object of love. Sexual attraction happens when the sexual dimension in your brain gets triggered. The object of your sexual attraction can become your “focus”, and this can build “connections” within you – and the same pitfalls of “needy love” can be associated with sexual attraction also, because you can start feeling helpless towards this “connection” if you are lost in the mind.
Anything that makes you feel like a prisoner, is a pointer to your lack of inner freedom. If you feel a prisoner to your attraction towards a person/object, how free are you within? Suffering is inevitable when you don’t have inner freedom – craving or obsession is a symptom of the lack of space in your being, in that you are totally lost in the mind. When you start suffering an obsession, it’s a wake up call for you to no longer be so lost in the mind, to wake up to your being, to your truth as the this life-space. To be pulled around by your mind, relentlessly, is the one of worst ways to live your life because there is no real sense of freedom – it’s a life of mind slavery.
Another deal is that a lot of men and women feel guilty about feeling sexual attraction, or having sexual thoughts, towards a person other than their partner. This is a silly mindset to have because nothing is more natural than for the brain to feel sexually aroused by any person (or image) who triggers the sexual dimension in it – it’s not really in your control to determine who your brain finds sexually arousing. It’s mostly just a response in your brain to something it appreciates in a sexual way – it’s like enjoying a piece of art. Having a sexual thought about a person does not mean that you would want to pursue a sexual connection with this person – it’s mostly just a momentary sexual imagination in the brain, nothing more.
Why do we crave love?
When a person connects you to the vibration of love within you (which is the natural vibration of your being), your brain makes this correlation between that person and your sense of joy/love/wholeness. You mistakenly think that this external person is the “source” of love, when in truth love is within you, as your natural vibration, and this person only helped connect you with it – they are like a pointer towards your natural vibration. If instead of investigating this natural vibration, you start clinging to the person, in a bid to keep feeling this love through them, you become needy of them. A relationship (be it with a person or with your work or values/ideas or any object) is meant to help you recognize who you are, and meant to be “enjoyed” for the experience of companionship/intimacy that it provides, it’s not meant to be used as a “crutch” to give you a sense of identity.
Love is the natural vibration of the being that you are. You can enjoy expressions of love, like a romantic relationship, companionship, physical intimacy, in a deep way when you are not craving love from the outside. When you are connected with your sense of being, and know yourself in your inner wholeness, you are not dependent on the outside to give you this sense of wholeness – this is how you become free of neediness. In this place of freedom you can enjoy deep expressions of intimacy, be it emotional or physical, without ever feeling like a prisoner to it – you know you can let go, when/if needed, without it hampering your sense of wholeness.
To just recognize that being a prisoner to someone/something is not the natural way to be, is in itself a big revelation for many because it seems as if the popular mindset (as extolled in romantic novels and movies) is to be dependent in love rather than love from a place of inner freedom. What’s shown in the movies is nothing like what “reality” is like – the dependent/possessive love that appears cute in the movies is a nightmare in reality where you have to deal with constant resistance (fear/anxiety) created by your neediness.
Are you really in need of an intimate relationship?
Intimate relationship is not a “must have”. Being single has as much joy to be explored as being in a relationship. The media today seems to create so much hype about sex and intimate relationships, that most people start feeling inferior (or even abnormal) about themselves if they are not into some intimate connection of some sort. You can see people trying to get into relationships, or trying to have flings, just to assuage the peer pressure or just to feel that they have “fitted in” with the society model. Getting into relationships for the wrong reasons is a sure fire way to end up in a mess of emotional and sexual conflicts. Remember that each connection you make leaves memories behind, in your heart and brain, and if you don’t have the capacity to let go, it can leave you feeling confused within, sometimes leaving you incapable of having a meaningful relationship.
A relationship in its true sense is an investment of time, energy and focus – it takes up resources in your brain and heart. You need to check within yourself if you are “ready” for this investment of energy, if you really want it or if you are doing it for the sake of “fitting in”. At some points in your life, other aspects may require your focus, as a part of your natural expression, in alignment with the call of your life-stream. To force yourself into a relationship, when your inner guidance says otherwise, is just a waste of time and energy which could have been employed in a more resourceful manner. When you allow yourself to be aligned with the pull of your life-stream, the relationships that are needed/required (which are aligned with your natural expression) come in effortlessly at the right time. It’s not something you need to pursue from a place of struggle and effort.
Are we polygamous or monogamous?
With respect to intimate relationships, the term polygamous would means that you desire love, or sexual connection, with multiple partners – some people may want to stay monogamous with respect to love, but polygamous with respect to sexual connection, there are also people who stay monogamous with respect to sexual connection while being polygamous with respect to love. For example, you may enjoy being with a partner(s) because you are sexually attracted to him/her, but wish to explore your emotional love (heart connection) with another partner or vice versa. Of course, there are also people who desire a purely monogamous relationship, where they share their emotional love and sexual connection with a single partner. All these options are available in this realm of physicality, and you can know what’s right for you when you are in connection with your natural makeup, so that you know you are not choosing an option out of neediness, fear or inner lack.
Another complication is when you are desiring to be monogamous but you attract a partner who is polygamous – in this case you need to be clear within yourself if you are okay with this situation, or if your true preference is for a total monogamy, while understanding it’s totally fine to be monogamously related to a partner who is polygamous (you are staying true to your choice, and your partner is staying true to his/her choice). Some of us can get a sense of our true desire/preference, with respect to intimate relationships, by getting a sense of our natural makeup through introspection. Some of us need to go through real life experiences, of exploring all the options, to finally understand what our true preference is. Both these means are okay (though the former approach has less strain, conflict and confusion involved), as long as you come to a sense of clarity, so that you don’t have to live opposed to your true nature for long.
For some reason, being monogamous is seen as a “limitation” by many people owing to some brain-oriented ideas about exploring love and sexuality. In truth, there are two ways to explore relationships – horizontally and vertically. By horizontally I mean “surface level”, just skimming the surface and moving on. By vertically I mean “exploring the depth”, where you explore a relationship more and more deeply, and keep growing in the relationship – there is no end to the depth you can explore in a relationship with one human being alone, and in many cases we fail to explore this depth because we become too “brain oriented” and start pursuing surface level gratifications.
Some of you might see polygamous people as being “morally loose” or lacking in character. This is because you are judging this form of “expression” through some standards/values/belief-systems that you hold for yourself. It’s important to appreciate the fact that different people have different natural expressions, in that some are just wired to be polygamous – it’s all an expression/experience of life-energy. As long as your polygamous approach is not coming from a place of delusion, or inner lack, and is coming more from a place of your natural expression, it will always feel good in your being. Also, if your natural expression is to be polygamous, and you try to suppress this expression in you, it can lead to a lot of inner conflict of its own.
You can only come to a true clarity when you first let go of being lost in the brain (because it has so many judgments, misunderstandings, shallow vision, external conditioning and narrowly egoic perspectives) and allow yourself to connect with the space of being, connecting with your heart, and understand your physicality from this place of inner wholeness.
wonderful article! Thank you Sen!
Sen another great article..
Maybe you can help answering a question that i have had for a while. Why is it that when one hears music that they like its like all pain goes away. No matter what you have been going throughout that day once you hear a good song for those couple of minutes you feel pure joy? Is it because music gets us closer to the source?
Different people have different means of “chilling”, some people prefer music. For you what happens is that when you listen to music you get engrossed in it, to the point where you forget your “me” thought, your ego, your resistances, your negativity, and hence feel your natural vibration of wholeness. Some people feel this way when they are dancing, or when they are with their loved ones. Ultimately it’s about reaching this place of being connected with your inner wholeness without requiring any crutch like music, or else music can become like a temporary relief mechanism rather than something you just do for enjoyment.
This is excellent! I think many people’s relationships would be much improved if they just understood and accepted this very simple thing. What we see in movies, etc. is usually a very shallow perception of “love”. It insults the concept to use that word for it really. I’ve started lately to see the mental patterns that have resulted in me attracting needy people in the past, and also to see more clearly the times when I was the needy/attached one. Both situations were extremely stressful and sometimes sad/painful, but rarely happy. Clearly it doesn’t work that way.
Sen , I have heard that to “seek” enlightenment is counter productive to actually attaining it. If we are not to “seek” this state then what method do we have of “achieving” it?
You start with “seeking” of course, and then as you continue seeking at one point you realize that freedom comes when you “let go”, so you drop the seeking and you just let go. Seeking is counter-productive to letting go, but it’s only through seeking can you come to the understanding that you need to let go.
‘You mistakenly think that this external person is the “source” of love, when in truth love is within you, as your natural vibration, and this person only helped connect you with it – they are like a pointer towards your natural vibration.’
I get this, but if you only feel this way through a particular person, how can you explore what is is in them that you connect with strongly/without focusing on that person?
When you understand that it’s your responsibility to connect with your inner wholeness and not be dependent on an outside person to keep giving you this feeling, you come to a conscious freedom within yourself. From this place you can enjoy your relationship with this person without feel needy of them to give you a sense of wholeness. The reason you feel a connection with your wholeness when in the presence of some people is because they give you a sense of security, a sense of approval, appreciation (where your mind is in appreciation of their physicality – their body/mind makeup) and companionship. But when you develop the power of conscious alignment, you can stay aligned with your wholeness without really needing the crutch of an outside support – in this place you can enjoy the relationship without fear, because you are not constantly afraid of losing them, neither are you being dependent on them for your emotional well-being, so they don’t feel suffocated in your presence. Even if you have 40-50% connection with your inner wholeness it allows great freedom in you to not be too needy in a relationship.
So if you find yourself feeling needy or dependent on someone is it best to distance yourself from them and find other ways to connect and align within yourself? Do you end up being a hermit?!
An intimate relationship is one of the best mirrors that reflect our inner state – a relationship full of friction/instability is indicative of our own inner insecurities, a relationship which is enjoyable/harmonious is indicative of our own inner stability. When you sense your inner resistances, it doesn’t mean that you have to run away from the relationship, you can work on releasing your resistances while being in the relationship – as you release your inner resistance you can see your relationship becoming more aligned, intimate and enjoyable. Of course, if the relationship is not compatible with you at all and if you attracted from a place of disconnection, it gets dissolved as you find more inner alignment – a new relationship which is more aligned can come in when the disconnected relationship gets dissolved.
And what about situations where it isn’t an intimate relationship or someone in your immediate circle/daily reality or someone you even communicate with but just a person you admire, a leader, someone on the world stage? It’s even easier to put someone on a pedestal/idolise them, become dependent because there is no feedback process, just an image?
Idolization can be a means through which we try to disconnect with our own potential by hanging our expectations/faith in someone/something outside us. It’s still a place of being powerless within, and the feedback you get from outside is always about this sense of helplessness or powerlessness you feel within.
If a woman has taken her husband’s surname upon marriage, is this giving up some of her own identity?
Your sense of self, and your alignment with your natural expression, are not defined by “external” conventions (like naming protocols) but by your connection with yourself. The patriarchal system of naming where the wife takes the husband’s surname is just a convention followed in this world presently, allowing for a uniform protocol, it doesn’t limit you unless you limit yourself through it.
great article sen, and very timely, because i’ve been wondering a few similar questions myself, esp on sexual attraction and monogamy
For the last couple of years I have been trying to change a relationship pattern with the help of a therapist. I used to attract only men who were distant and not ready to commit. I have been needy whenever I meet somebody. My dad was a distant person. I see my pattern really cleary now. A lot of negative feelings and emotions have been released. I have been reading your post since December and I really like it. I am more relaxed now and more content. When I am more stable in my being, will I attract more nice men? I guess one part of me thinks that I have to force myself to like a nice guy because I have been attracted to bad boys for so long. But another part knows from reading your post that when I am stable in my being I will naturally attract a reality that suits me. Maybe I just need some reassurance.
MB, relationships are an excellent mirror reflecting your inner state of being. A conflicted relationship is an indication of your own inner insecurities and disconnections. The more you connect with your inner wholeness, the more wholesome relationships you attract on the outside. You can’t force yourself to be attracted to someone who you don’t feel compatible with, so let go of the mindset of using “strategies” to work on relationships. Just focus more on letting go of your patterns of lack within yourself, become aware of patterns of immaturity in you (if you are honest with yourself you can always sense them clearly), this awareness will ensure that you don’t keep playing it out. The more stable you are within, the more stable your external relationships will be. The key is to keep growing in awareness of patterns of in-congruence in you and thus allow their dissolution.
Sen this is wonderful, it is helping me alot with thoughts but for some reason i keep thinking in my head that i am gay, but i am not and i am not sexually attracted to other men. I honestly think its discusting i keep telling my self i am not but the thought keeps coming back. No offence to anyone if you are gay.
John, when you fear a certain thought, you fuel its presence in your mind, and it would seem like your mind is repeating that thought more often because of the momentum it gets from your fear of it. Homosexuality is biological, it’s part of the natural makeup of a body – if you were gay you would naturally be sexually attracted to men, but since that’s not the case it means it not your natural makeup, and you won’t become gay by thinking that you are gay – even when you are totally okay with being gay, you won’t become gay since its not your biological makeup. So next time the thought pops up in your mind, just allow it in with an openness that you don’t mind being gay – and it will soon lose its hold on you. The reason why your mind keeps repeating this thought is because of your fear of being gay. Once you let go of the fear of being gay, you will no longer be afraid of this thought and hence it will lose momentum in your mind.
Sen, the things you say really makes sense to me and resonates with me, but I wish I could live it. Ever since I hit maturity, I have always daydreamed about a person, this person keeps changing from time to time-but sometimes I could daydream about person for months. Mind you, sometimes, I barely even know the person, but I keep making scenarios in my mind where I am spending time with that person. It is like I live my life from that perspective of spending my time with that specific person-it is like I have this person living in mind and she is being with me through my activities throughout the day. But I know, I am just being a slave to my mind and emotions but I cannot break free, and this really frustrates me. Only sometimes, I think I tap into this moment of freedom, and life becomes so free and unshackled-it feels really great. But these moments are so short lived, I wish I knew how to stay in them more. Reading your articles gives this power immediately after, but that is also very short lived. What’s your suggestion? Help please
David, if your sense of wholeness depends on the presence of another person, it’s a very painful place to be in. You can enjoy the company of another person, you can enjoy intimacy (physical and mental) with someone who is compatible with you and she can be someone you share yourself with and it’s a very enjoyable experience to have this connection with someone, but ultimately it’s a part of your physical experience/expression and like everything in physicality it’s fleeting, you can’t expect someone to always “satisfy” your need for wholeness through them. An “external relationship” can’t be the source of your inner wholeness, not for long – your inner wholeness depends on your relationship with yourself, with your being, with your inner space. If you are dependent on a person for your sense of wholeness you will start weighing her down with this need, sooner or later, or you will start feeling disappointed with this person for not always standing up to your expectation. It’s a huge responsibility, for anyone, to be a source of wholeness for someone else.
Even to depend on “teachings” for a sense of wholeness is a dependency, and you are sure to be let down at some point if that’s your attitude. The teachings are ultimately pointers towards finding your own sense of wholeness, within you, not through a “crutch”, not through an external dependence, but totally within you – a total self-reliance for your sense of wholeness is the highest form of stability. Relationships are a celebration of life, when you attract a compatible relationship into your life it definitely affords a lot of enjoyment, but it can’t be a crutch towards your sense of wholeness – if it is, it won’t be long before disappointment starts sneaking in and you start blaming your partner for not standing up to your expectations.
what about one sided love sen??
am in love with my best friend and she doesn’t feel the same for me.She says she can’t be more than a friend with me.What should i do then?
Ajay, the problem is that the mind can use a word like “love” as a more ennobling label for what’s underneath present as a neediness for a certain possession of a certain person. When you are blinded by this mind created sense of neediness for a certain person, you are no longer in a place of clarity on whether this person is even right for you to start with. Basically, neediness is not attractive, that’s the deal of life – it’s never attractive no matter how much we want to hope that somehow our neediness would be reciprocated/assuaged by the outside. Even if someone meets your neediness, it won’t be long before they feel the pressure of your dependency and quit on you either emotionally or physically.
Well, a more empowering outlook is to see your present condition as a wake up call towards bringing a balance within yourself. Look at it as a call for “growing up”, and life is an eternal journey of growth so we all keep having opportunities to grow all the time – no-one is perfect. This is your present growth path where you need to let go of clinging to your mind’s neediness based outlook, and find a space of inner freedom where you feel free of the emotional pressure created by these thoughts of “love”. When you are free of the emotional pressure you also become free of this strong neediness for love, and this makes you more “clear headed” to see reality with a better clarity – also from this place of inner freedom you will be able to attract a relationship that’s aligned with your wholeness rather than attracting a relationship that’s aligned with amplifying your neediness.
In practical terms, stop being so needy of this girl, you proposed and she said no, so develop the inner freedom to just move on instead of taking on the avatar of a “defeated lover”. If she wants she can come back to you (because you’ve made your feelings clear to her), if she doesn’t then it was not meant to be – either ways don’t sit waiting for her. There are plenty of opportunities and new relationships waiting to happen, so let go of this mindset of “I can’t find someone better”, that’s just a deeply lackful thinking. However, first you do need to “grow” within yourself by finding an inner freedom from the emotional pressure created by your mind in the name of “finding love”. If your mind keeps obsessing about her, then just allow the mind to obsess without trying to suppress it, but don’t buy into its obsession by feeling helpless to it – find a space in you that’s not a prisoner to your mind’s obsession. This is the space of freedom from the mind, and as you continue connecting with this space your mind will keep losing its momentum. I call this space the space of being, and it’s this space that connects you with your wholeness.
Sen,
Help me understand this in myself. In my recent past, I was involved with a loving, caring man who was my best friend. He passed away unexpectedly last year. I am now involved with someone new and it is in the early stages of a relationship. My goal is to be in a mutually appreciative relationship. I want to be involved with someone that wants to spend time with me, enjoys my company and is not afraid to show it. I feel that is how I am, too. The problem is that I have met someone who I get along with well, but he is not nearly as demonstrative as my prior boyfriend and I miss that. Am I expecting too much, too soon? or being too needy? I want my boyfriend to be someone who loves and cares about me as I do him. I am fulfilled in my life but am looking for companionship and appreciation. Is this too ego focused? Wanting someone around that appreciates me? Without this, I am prone to move on too soon to find someone else. I know that time is needed to grow closer to someone, but I am impatient if I see signs that the person is not as responsive as I like. He claims he cares a lot for me, but I don’t feel it. Maybe I am too much of a romantic? looking for that person who cherishes me.
The basic deal is that any form of emotional suffering (including the pain of being in love or needing love) is an indication of mind/emotional momentum. So the situation you are experiencing right now is the “symptomatic” manifestation, and root cause is the mind/emotional momentum. Mind momentum is basically just the momentum of the “thinking mind”, whereas emotional momentum is the momentum of accumulated store-up of emotional energy in your body from the past. The mind momentum further creates emotional energy which in combination with the past emotional momentum can feel overwhelming. Basically, most humans use relationship to assuage their emotional pressure, and it’s long before they start blaming their partner for not doing a good job of it. The truth is that it’s not possible for anyone to assuage your emotional pressure for a long period, for one your dependency will keep increasing and hence your expectation will keep mounting causing them to start feeling the load of your dependency, which eventually ends up creating a backing-away of some form. You may think that some “perfect relationship” will come along that will heal your emotional pressure forever, but that’s just a misplaced thought basically because something on the outside cannot solve a problem on the inside – in fact, your inside creates your outside, and hence from a place of dependency you can only attract relationship that amplify this sense of dependency (as was evident in your past relationship where eventually you were left feeling deeply incomplete and broken once your partner passed away).
If you want a permanent solution, you need to look at this present relationship as an opportunity for you to see your mind/emotional momentum clearly, and bring an open allowing to this momentum in you, until it ebbs away. This present situation is just a feedback, helping you unearth the layers of emotional accumulation and mind momentum present in you. The ultimate solution is to find inner wholeness by releasing the mind/emotional momentum fully, and you will know when you have released it fully – you won’t have psychological/emotional suffering of any form. A relationship that gets attracted from a place of wholeness is never a cause of emotional suffering, because you are already free of the emotional pressure and the mind momentum in you.
Talk2me, It’s interesting. You sound like my ex girlfriend (i don’t mean that in a mean way, is a beautiful girl). There is the practical side of having kids, biological clock pressures for women etc. But put that aside, you need to ask if yourself if you really do need a BF for companionship and appreciation. It sounds like you are needy ie you do need; you want the comfort, security of KNOWING you will have someone there that appreciates you. You want to be loved, made to feel special. Which ironically, may mean you’re not ready for a true intimate relationship. Like most of the rest of the world. With self-observation you can start to understand why you want this level of care, attention etc, and start to accept this, and then maybe relax a bit more. Otherwise, you go off searching for a more “loving” guy, but you may end up with too much love – a needy guy. Thinking there is a perfect neediness-balanced guy out there who will stay that way forever for you is just fantasy. People and personalities are always changing. AND, this is not to say your BF is all ok himself, it sounds like he has the same core issues manifesting in different forms: self-absorbed ego-driven centredness, where he is not really “seeing” or feeling you as a person. But, you don’t need to leave a relationship just because you think it is not working. Someone once said relationship is your spiritual sadhana (spiritual practice). And one of the greatest teachers Jiddu Krishnamurti said relationship is the ONLY thing that matters. Here is a great talk from Krishnamurti on conflict and how people dont really relate at all in relationships, a bit long and rambly as it is a live speech transcript but do check it out:
Questioner: If two people have a relationship of conflict and pain, can they resolve it, or must the relationship end? To have a good relationship isn’t it necessary for both to change?
http://www.epubbud.com/read.php?g=HM6Y5JPY&tocp=41
And here’s a very interesting article on a very similar theme, almost channelling JK , by a famous NY psychologist: Can You Change Your Partner Just by Changing Yourself?
http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Psychologist-Henry-Graysons-Love-and-Relationship-Advice
These views are very different to the usual boring and quite negative platitudes that we hear all the time- that some people actually live by- such as “you can only change yourself”, if it’s not working leave, “it’s called a break-up because it’s broken”, “he’s not the one”, “he’s not my soul mate”, “he’s just not that into you”, “i don’t have that special connection”, etc etc etc. We can repeat this stuff mindlessly like it’s gopsel, even live by it (!) and keep thinking there is the next thing out there, teh next thing, etc. Or we can grow in self knowledge, compassion, understanding and living. JK’s key teaching was called the Art of Living.
Just wonderful. And oh, so, true.
Not sure I know how to do this..
“If you want a permanent solution, you need to look at this present relationship as an opportunity for you to see your mind/emotional momentum clearly, and bring an open allowing to this momentum in you, until it ebbs away. This present situation is just a feedback, helping you unearth the layers of emotional accumulation and mind momentum present in you.”
Allow the feelings of wanting someone to be reciprocal? but do not identify or place priority on them? Its seems that almost any type of relationship can be tolerated then, because one will not have any expectations. Is this correct? So, there is no such thing as compatibility? If I allow my emotional and mind momentum to surface, I view my thoughts but do not identify with them at all? It is ok to view these feelings, but not voice or identify withe them then?
The point is to be in a place of freedom from emotional pressure within you, it has nothing to do with the other person for now, it’s just something personal to you. This emotional pressure is existent in you as a force/momentum, and you will feel it any relationship you get into, so it’s not instigated just because of this person’s behavior rather you would see a similar behavior pattern in any relationship you attract from this place. Bring awareness to this emotional pressure within you (the need for attention, the feeling of incompleteness, the fear of losing the relationship, fear of loneliness etc), and stop being pulled around by its force, rather when they arise just stay in a space of allowing so that this pressure slowly loses grip on you. Basically, this release will remove this force of emotional pressure within you permanently, and thus also bring changes in your external reality that sync up with this feeling of inner stability – the changes could be in your personality, in your perspective/attitude on relationship, in the type of partner you attract etc. For now, you just need to deal with releasing this emotional pressure within you, and not make this about the other person. When you’ve released the emotional pressure you will be in the right place to attract congruence in your relationship, possibly you may leave this person or you may become more compatible with this person – you can’t know how your reality will shape up in a place of alignment.
As for you point on – “it seems that almost any type of relationship can be tolerated then, because you will not have any expectations, so there is no such thing as compatibility?” – basically, the opposite is true. Right now, it’s very possible that because of your inner emotional pressure you are settling for someone incompatible or tolerating a less than congruent relationship, and you will continue feeling confused because your emotional pressure does not allow you to have a deeper wisdom/clarity on the situation. When you are free of emotional pressure you are “clear minded” enough to make the right choice in relationships, you don’t settle for a compromise, and you attract a compatible partner (who’s aligned with your present life situation). That’s the paradox, when you no longer try to look at a relationship as means to assuage your emotional pressure you attract a more compatible relationship, rather than “tolerating” an incompatible one. But from a place of moving from emotional pressure you can’t even know if the relationship is really compatible because you are too busy worrying about being alone. Your present reality is giving you a feedback towards realizing the force of emotional pressure in you, and your job right now is to bring awareness to it and start releasing it within without making it about the outside – when you’ve done the release the outside will change towards aligning with this new vibration.
Thank you for the clarification, Sen.
What do you think of arrange marriages, Sen. Because one does not get any time to asses whether his/her would-be partner is compatible and both would be able to participate in life joyfully in future. If I’m not feeling any resistance from inside towards an arrange marriage, should I accept and proceed or should I wait to fall in a relationship with a suitable partner and then get married?
Thank you, Sen.
Abhishek, an “external system” (like the system of arranged marriage) is not a right or wrong by itself, it’s just for you to decide if it feels aligned with you, if it does then you can incorporate it or become a part of it. Eventually, it’s your inner sense of alignment that allows you to attract an external reality of alignment – so you don’t have to worry so much about getting your external reality right, rather just work on aligning with yourself in the sense of letting go of identifying with inner negativity (imbalance created through deluded-thinking/suppression/over-identification) and thus connecting with yourself in terms of your true physical nature and your space of being.
Sen,
Tell me if my way of thinking is flawed. If I am in a relationship, I desire the person to feel the same way about me as I feel about them. If there is a difference in love-style I believe we are not compatible. Am I being too rigid? If I am demonstrative and he is not, I interpret that to mean he is not as interested in me as I am in him. I don’t want to settle for someone who claims he cares but does not express it as much as I would like. Not because I need it, but because I want that. Am I with the wrong person? or are my expectations too high?
Continued..
I am ready to leave the relationship when I see this indifference, but he reassures me he cares and I stay. Am I not getting what I need from this relationship if I continually feel this way? I don’t want to spend time with someone who doesn’t really care if I am there or not. When I like someone, my priority is them and spending time with them, if possible. I am content in other areas of my life, so I do not feel that it is about neediness. I don’t need him to be happy, but I need the person I am with (whoever that is) to be as interested in me as I am in him. Does that make sense? reciprocal feelings.
It simply boils down to whether you feel a connection or not, it’s quite simple that way. When you have the inner freedom, you can be totally honest with yourself, and be aligned with reality as it is – whereas, if there is a presence of fear-based thinking, it can blur out the “honesty” in you, and cause you to not want to see the reality in a situation. If you feel that you’ve truly reached a place of inner freedom, you should allow yourself to bring an honest awareness to the reality of your relationship, and what you really feel about it – it’s not about someone convincing you about reality, it’s about you having a clear sense of it in your own self. “Connection” is not something you work on, it’s something that’s just felt – you can work on many things in a relationship, but a “connection” cannot be conjured up, it’s either there or not there. Even if a person is interested in you, and giving you a lot of priority, giving you all the attention, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you will feel a connection with this person – you may think that the reason you don’t feel a connection is because he’s not “doing things” that you think he should do, but it could just be that you don’t feel the connection, period, and you have a deluded thinking that if he changes his actions you might start feeling it. If you are truly honest with yourself, in a totally fearless manner, you can always sense, clearly, if you really feel a connection. The truth is way too obvious, it’s just that we don’t always want to face it – that’s why inner freedom is a pre-requisite for clarity because it allows you to see reality without blurring it with your fears.
Sen, further to your reply to Talk2Me, is it possible that I may not feel a connection with somebody who feels a connection with me, and is very loving and devoted to me?
thank you so very much, dear author. you brought some more light into myself, in a moment when it was vital for me to bring as much light as possible in my turmoiled inside 🙂
wonderful, so revealing insights..
I have followed your blog since desember and it has helped me a lot. I have a couple of questions. I have a fear of blushing. I blush easily arond people without being embarrassed of something spesific. I just happens. I’m aware of it and I try to relax when it happens and just let myself blush. Relaxed awarness. But I think it’s diffucult to do it when I’m around people. Can I do it at home and visualize those situastions when I blush and just be aware.
I also have a crush on a man who work in television. It happened 6 months ago and I even wrote him a message and I he answered me. I don’t now this person but something happens inside me when I see him. Should I just stay aware of those feelings I have for him when they come so they will eventually leave?It’s just a weird situastion because I don’t know him.
Spending the majority of your time fantasizing/obsessing about an idea. An idea about something, or someone. The opposite sex, money and then becoming totally enslaved to that idea to the point where it hijacks your emotional and attentional energy and span. You spend most of your time seeking/fantasizing/hoping to get to that “thing/person” while you totally miss the reality and beuaty in front of you, you miss out in life. You give up your real life and get lost in the black hole of mind, and the most of frustrating thing about this is that you know you are a slave but you cannot do anything about or control it.
And on top of that if or when you ever get to that thing or person, you realize it is not all that good and it is nothing like you imagined. sighhhh
I can diagnose myself but helpless to treat/cure it 🙁
Sen, I’ve been through a lot of intimate relationships with my friends and girlfriends. I used to hangout and have fun with them pretty often for years, but I’ve reached a stage in life where I’m single and evolving by myself. I don’t feel the need to hangout with anybody most of time time lately, I feel comfortable being a hermit and having a small circle of loved ones who I interact with once in a while. I don’t even feel much of a need to form new bonds, although I surely miss the presence of a girl in my life once in a while. Do you see a problem with my temporary asocial lifestyle?
Looking forward for your reply
Shaza, as a being we are prone to growth and maturity, and there will be phase in our life’s journey when there are “transitions” towards a more mature expression and during this phase we can see ourselves disconnecting with several past patterns and mindsets – this is normal. Also, there can be an innate desire for some “space” of isolation during a transition. In this society we seem to place a lot of importance on “socializing”, and feel that there is something wrong with wanting to be alone – the truth is, one needs a balance between outside interaction and space of being with oneself in aloneness. When you are too lost in the outside, the process of balance can cause you to find some space of isolation for a while, and later you may find a balance between the two. You can also use this current awareness to develop freedom from any sense of neediness coming from your dependency on your any of your desires – this is how you develop your inner power. To truly enjoy the expression of a desire, one needs to have freedom from being dependent on it for your sense of stability/wholeness – in the absence of this freedom we end up being a “needy” person in one way or other with a strong energy of desperation.
Thank you, for a quick reply that makes a lot of sense!
Hey there, I really loved a lot of things about ur article. I looked upon different articles, and they”re saying love is something u have with that special someone or whatever. I already knew that love is more giving than taking, and I agree with a lot of what u said.
I have 1 question, from my experience, that I don’t really understand:
Before I understood what love and self-identification really is;
In my 1st relation, before I experienced love, I was not needy at all, she was very needy, I was her rebound, if u know what I mean. She left me after she got the affection she needed, and said that all her feelings are gone she doesn’t know why. I felt devastated.
Then, out of neediness, I pursued my own rebound relation; I had like very intense affection and need feeling for the girl from almost the begining, but those feelings I couldn’t keep, as soon as we become very intimate, I felt the need fulfilled, and I didn’t want her anymore. So I thought to myself, I now understand what’s a rebound and why my ex left me (she also was still in love with her ex and was rebounding with me, which kept us in a needy relation for about 9 months, on and off passion feelings)
Now, I know I don’t need any girl, I know who I am and have self-contentment, but I fear if I let myself immerse in those intimate and affection feelings with girls I now talk to – for example when a girl kisses me or hugs me, b4 a relation (even though I don’t need these emotions but enjoy them) – I fear these emotions might fade away, like it happened in my last relation described above. I fear that I’m having these feelings out of need or love for affection, and they might go away once I get the girl to love me.
Can I enjoy these affection emotions and intimacy with girls I talk to? Or is it out of need and rebound emotions? Can I bath in this added enjoyment, or I’m doing it out of need for affection and they will fade away once I get them.
PS: I seriously know that I can be without any of them and don’t need them, but enjoy the affection, I don’t want to get into a relation, and then quickly notice the emotions fading away, like it happened with me b4, in the rebound relation I had.
Jad, a relationship (between couples) can be based on four factors – attraction, affection, companionship (which comes from compatibility) and physical intimacy, an ideal relationship would have a mix of all these four factors in different proportions. All these factors are a part of the mind’s desire which is what causes one to look for a relationship. A complete lack of any one of these factors “can” cause a relationship to dissolve (or not be compatible for long) mostly because one might search for the missing factor in a different person. Of course, just because you find all these four factors with a person doesn’t mean that you would never break off, all these factors are privy to change, for example one can lose attraction with time, or lose affection with time, or companionship or desire for physical intimacy. The problem with being “strongly” needy towards any of these factors is that one loses sense of “wisdom” and thus can hook up with partners who are not really compatible, leading to a quick break off or a hung-up relationship, more than that it’s the sense of being “powerless” (or helpless) that one feels while being in the relationship, and this can eat into your sense of esteem also. When you are not strongly needy of any of these factors, you can have the freedom to “choose” relationships based on your wisdom – in fact, you can even make a conscious choice to just go in for “short term” relationships where you just enjoy one of these factors, like say attraction alone (attraction doesn’t just have to be “physical”, it can be towards anything, sometimes one is attracted purely by the sense of challenge that a guy/girl may provide, and lose this attraction once he/she is no longer a challenge) or physical intimacy alone, or just affection, or just a companionship, you can in fact enjoy each of these factors with separate people also – for example, you may at one time have a girl who satisfies your need for companionship (with whom you can have meaningful communication) and a girl who satisfies your need for affection (giving or receiving affection), one does not need to have a rigid definition about finding a “complete” relationship all the time. If you do desire a “complete” relationship you would have to look for the presence of all the four factors in a person, but of course, even then, there are no guarantees for how long a relationship would last – it can be for a lifetime or for a few months.
So basically, allow yourself to enjoy the experience/expression of all these four factors, in whatever way that it suits you. Don’t get too concerned about “how long will it last”, if it doesn’t last, it doesn’t last – have the freedom to move on and the freedom to allow the other person to also move on.
Hi, I have a question regarding sexual energy. I was an only child and growing up i have always released sexual energy if needed, never on an imbalanced level. I found that it improved my sex life with my girlfriend if I regularly released the energy by using “self pleasure” so when the time came to being with my partner, I was respectable when making love. i have suffered from anxiety for the past year which gives me obsessive worries about sex and hurting my girlfriend in any way. I moved in with my girlfriend a couple of months ago and this worry has since encouraged me to try and quit releasing sexual energy as much, which has consequently made me much less successful when making love, which is quite embarrassing to be honest!
I just can’t help but think me trying to quit self-pleasure is a form of suppression, but it is also a positive to want to stop it aswell. I know so many other men have no worries about self pleasure in a relationship and i didn’t used to until anxiety came about, but it is something i do want to eradicate from my lifestyle as I don’t like the guilt afterwards (which is probably anxiety based).
Some advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
nick
Nick, you need to develop the freedom to follow “wisdom” over a fear-based thought or notion. Wisdom becomes very obvious when we let go of being driven by a fear-based motivation. Only you can understand your body, your abilities and your comforts, and you need to use your wisdom to work with your body. To say that you will suppress a normal instinct in you, out of the fear of “hurting” someone, is like giving up your sense of wisdom for the sake of others. In this case, I am pretty sure your girlfriend would have no qualms about you masturbating as long as you are around to have sex when desired, and if she does have qualms about it, you can have a discussion with her regarding your requirements understanding that she may have some confusions which you can clarify from a “guy’s point of view” – the more open you are in a relationship the more comfortable it is eventually. The fact that you mention that it’s “embarrassing” for you to ejaculate early during sex, and that you are trying hard to “perform” for her pleasure, seems to indicate that you are not allowing a real comfort level with her – sex really shouldn’t be about “performance”, but about fun and enjoyment, and when you have a real comfort with each other there should be no room for embarrassment or awkwardness. Or is it that you are making it hard for yourself, when she is actually being understanding. If she expresses a “cold” disappointment at your performance, and you are afraid of her disapproval, it can indicate a lack of total comfort with each other, which you may want to work on. An intimate relationship is much more fun when you don’t have to feel the pressure of “impressing” one another, and can be open about your natural/normal behaviors.
It’s true that a lot of men (and women) have a lot of guilt surrounding self-pleasure while being in a relationship – this is because they are not totally in touch with their own requirements, rather are moving from a place of rigid guilt-based notions. It’s quite a ridiculous notion that just because you have someone to have sex with you shouldn’t allow yourself the pleasure, or release, that masturbation can afford.
Thanks Sen,
Well the reason I want to stop is an irrational (anxiety based) fear of becoming addicted or becoming a sex addict. Quite ridiculous, but I’m sure you know anxiety has people believing any old rubbish they have going on in their mind! Ill work on my anxiety recovery then be able to notice my wisdom once that time comes, which I’m fully confident will come in time.
My girlfriend is never disappointed it is just me being hard on myself, again worrying I am under-performing. I also suddenly feel since having these anxious thoughts that looking at pictures of women or looking at other women a problem as I don’t want to get aroused but on occasion I have found myself looking as I know it is normal for a man to do! I am just fighting a battle I can’t win unless I allow my mind to have this view without intervening. Is that the right course to take?
Nick
Nick, that’s right. It’s about aligning with reality while seeing through any form of imbalanced/deluded/limiting thinking. You need to develop the inner freedom to no longer be driven by the anxiety-based thinking of the mind, or an limiting thought about guilt which feels irrational. For this you need to bring awareness to the reality, and understand your body/mind (and aspects of male behavior in it) as a part of being aligned with its reality, and allow yourself the freedom to follow through on what feels like a natural behavior from a place of balance. The more aware you are as a person the more likely you are to have a sense of balance about everything.