This is a post about how love, and attraction, operates in our human expression, the various pitfalls of it and how to come to a place of balance in this dimension. Love when it’s not touched by fear is like “appreciation”. The same love when touched by fear turns into neediness, and this neediness can, and mostly does, turn into hatred (either self-hatred or hatred towards the person/object that’s creating the neediness). The way our brain/heart is designed is that it attaches itself to the object of love in a very biological way – the heart creates cellular memories within itself towards the object of love, as does the brain. In fact it’s natural for a brain to “unconsciously” keep thinking/obsessing about the person/object of love causing the formation of strong neural pathways about the subject involved.
Love is like a “focus”, anything you love captures your attention. Anything you give focus to starts becoming “physical” within you – memories, neural pathways, heart connection are all physical connections that get made in your body; a memory is a physical creation because it’s energy condensing into a thought that’s stored up in the brain or heart or in the cells (called cellular-memory). So whenever you love something/someone all these physical connections get created in you. The problem is not with these connections, the problem is the sense of “attachment”, or contraction, onto these connections. If you’re attached to these connections, you feel “threatened” by the idea of the object of your love leaving you. The only reason you become attached to a connection is because you start deriving your sense of “self”, or identity, from it and feel that if you lose this connection you will lose who you are.
Don’t make your love into your identity
When your awareness is lost in mind-identification, all the connections in the mind become a sense of identity – starting from your beliefs, opinions and conditioning, to your objects of love. When your sense of self is dependent on the connections, you become highly “possessive” of them, and your love turns into neediness – you can’t help this when your awareness is fully lost in mind-identification (by mind here I am implying to all your physical thought space created by your memories, heart connection and neural pathways).
Love without fear is always pure and enjoyable. Like when you love your grandma or when you love a beautiful sunset, you are not trying to “possess” the object of your love, and hence there is only appreciation. However, there are many times when the brain will immediately create a sense of identity with the object of love, also the heart creates an energetic “connection” with the object of love (the heart has its own memory), especially in intimate relationships. It may seem “cute” to see a guy or a girl being possessive in their love for their partner, but it only looks cute from the outside, because you can’t realize the actual fear, and negativity, that person is going through due to this possessiveness.
They say that the person who is less attached is more in control of the relationship – this is true, because when you are less attached, you feel more free and hence you are not craving attention or approval. However, I am not saying that you need to be “less attached” because that again becomes some form of brain strategy coming from a place of fear – you can try to be less attached out of fear of hurt and this just makes you not be in the relationship fully, thus, not really enjoying the deepest intimacy of the relationship and always holding some distance. This form of fear-based distancing is not what I am talking about, because that’s just another approach of the brain. What I am talking about is the space of freedom, where you are no longer deriving your sense of identity from the connections, to the point where you can fully immerse yourself in a relationship without being needy of it, you are not afraid of letting go when needed. You can’t pretend to be in this place, it’s not a mind game. You reach this place when you let go of being lost in the mind’s pull and start sensing yourself as the space of life, or space of being, beneath the mind (its just a pointer, and something in you can recognize it if you don’t read purely with your brain). If your mind has a high momentum, you will be a prisoner to its pull all the time.
What about sexual attraction?
Is sexual attraction a form of love? The way I see it, sexuality and love are two different dimensions in the mind. Seeing these dimensions separately can help one get a better understanding of the dynamics of the emotional love and the sexual attraction (or what’s called “lust”). You can lust for the person you love, but every person you lust for need not be your object of love. Sexual attraction happens when the sexual dimension in your brain gets triggered. The object of your sexual attraction can become your “focus”, and this can build “connections” within you – and the same pitfalls of “needy love” can be associated with sexual attraction also, because you can start feeling helpless towards this “connection” if you are lost in the mind.
Anything that makes you feel like a prisoner, is a pointer to your lack of inner freedom. If you feel a prisoner to your attraction towards a person/object, how free are you within? Suffering is inevitable when you don’t have inner freedom – craving or obsession is a symptom of the lack of space in your being, in that you are totally lost in the mind. When you start suffering an obsession, it’s a wake up call for you to no longer be so lost in the mind, to wake up to your being, to your truth as the this life-space. To be pulled around by your mind, relentlessly, is the one of worst ways to live your life because there is no real sense of freedom – it’s a life of mind slavery.
Another deal is that a lot of men and women feel guilty about feeling sexual attraction, or having sexual thoughts, towards a person other than their partner. This is a silly mindset to have because nothing is more natural than for the brain to feel sexually aroused by any person (or image) who triggers the sexual dimension in it – it’s not really in your control to determine who your brain finds sexually arousing. It’s mostly just a response in your brain to something it appreciates in a sexual way – it’s like enjoying a piece of art. Having a sexual thought about a person does not mean that you would want to pursue a sexual connection with this person – it’s mostly just a momentary sexual imagination in the brain, nothing more.
Why do we crave love?
When a person connects you to the vibration of love within you (which is the natural vibration of your being), your brain makes this correlation between that person and your sense of joy/love/wholeness. You mistakenly think that this external person is the “source” of love, when in truth love is within you, as your natural vibration, and this person only helped connect you with it – they are like a pointer towards your natural vibration. If instead of investigating this natural vibration, you start clinging to the person, in a bid to keep feeling this love through them, you become needy of them. A relationship (be it with a person or with your work or values/ideas or any object) is meant to help you recognize who you are, and meant to be “enjoyed” for the experience of companionship/intimacy that it provides, it’s not meant to be used as a “crutch” to give you a sense of identity.
Love is the natural vibration of the being that you are. You can enjoy expressions of love, like a romantic relationship, companionship, physical intimacy, in a deep way when you are not craving love from the outside. When you are connected with your sense of being, and know yourself in your inner wholeness, you are not dependent on the outside to give you this sense of wholeness – this is how you become free of neediness. In this place of freedom you can enjoy deep expressions of intimacy, be it emotional or physical, without ever feeling like a prisoner to it – you know you can let go, when/if needed, without it hampering your sense of wholeness.
To just recognize that being a prisoner to someone/something is not the natural way to be, is in itself a big revelation for many because it seems as if the popular mindset (as extolled in romantic novels and movies) is to be dependent in love rather than love from a place of inner freedom. What’s shown in the movies is nothing like what “reality” is like – the dependent/possessive love that appears cute in the movies is a nightmare in reality where you have to deal with constant resistance (fear/anxiety) created by your neediness.
Are you really in need of an intimate relationship?
Intimate relationship is not a “must have”. Being single has as much joy to be explored as being in a relationship. The media today seems to create so much hype about sex and intimate relationships, that most people start feeling inferior (or even abnormal) about themselves if they are not into some intimate connection of some sort. You can see people trying to get into relationships, or trying to have flings, just to assuage the peer pressure or just to feel that they have “fitted in” with the society model. Getting into relationships for the wrong reasons is a sure fire way to end up in a mess of emotional and sexual conflicts. Remember that each connection you make leaves memories behind, in your heart and brain, and if you don’t have the capacity to let go, it can leave you feeling confused within, sometimes leaving you incapable of having a meaningful relationship.
A relationship in its true sense is an investment of time, energy and focus – it takes up resources in your brain and heart. You need to check within yourself if you are “ready” for this investment of energy, if you really want it or if you are doing it for the sake of “fitting in”. At some points in your life, other aspects may require your focus, as a part of your natural expression, in alignment with the call of your life-stream. To force yourself into a relationship, when your inner guidance says otherwise, is just a waste of time and energy which could have been employed in a more resourceful manner. When you allow yourself to be aligned with the pull of your life-stream, the relationships that are needed/required (which are aligned with your natural expression) come in effortlessly at the right time. It’s not something you need to pursue from a place of struggle and effort.
Are we polygamous or monogamous?
With respect to intimate relationships, the term polygamous would means that you desire love, or sexual connection, with multiple partners – some people may want to stay monogamous with respect to love, but polygamous with respect to sexual connection, there are also people who stay monogamous with respect to sexual connection while being polygamous with respect to love. For example, you may enjoy being with a partner(s) because you are sexually attracted to him/her, but wish to explore your emotional love (heart connection) with another partner or vice versa. Of course, there are also people who desire a purely monogamous relationship, where they share their emotional love and sexual connection with a single partner. All these options are available in this realm of physicality, and you can know what’s right for you when you are in connection with your natural makeup, so that you know you are not choosing an option out of neediness, fear or inner lack.
Another complication is when you are desiring to be monogamous but you attract a partner who is polygamous – in this case you need to be clear within yourself if you are okay with this situation, or if your true preference is for a total monogamy, while understanding it’s totally fine to be monogamously related to a partner who is polygamous (you are staying true to your choice, and your partner is staying true to his/her choice). Some of us can get a sense of our true desire/preference, with respect to intimate relationships, by getting a sense of our natural makeup through introspection. Some of us need to go through real life experiences, of exploring all the options, to finally understand what our true preference is. Both these means are okay (though the former approach has less strain, conflict and confusion involved), as long as you come to a sense of clarity, so that you don’t have to live opposed to your true nature for long.
For some reason, being monogamous is seen as a “limitation” by many people owing to some brain-oriented ideas about exploring love and sexuality. In truth, there are two ways to explore relationships – horizontally and vertically. By horizontally I mean “surface level”, just skimming the surface and moving on. By vertically I mean “exploring the depth”, where you explore a relationship more and more deeply, and keep growing in the relationship – there is no end to the depth you can explore in a relationship with one human being alone, and in many cases we fail to explore this depth because we become too “brain oriented” and start pursuing surface level gratifications.
Some of you might see polygamous people as being “morally loose” or lacking in character. This is because you are judging this form of “expression” through some standards/values/belief-systems that you hold for yourself. It’s important to appreciate the fact that different people have different natural expressions, in that some are just wired to be polygamous – it’s all an expression/experience of life-energy. As long as your polygamous approach is not coming from a place of delusion, or inner lack, and is coming more from a place of your natural expression, it will always feel good in your being. Also, if your natural expression is to be polygamous, and you try to suppress this expression in you, it can lead to a lot of inner conflict of its own.
You can only come to a true clarity when you first let go of being lost in the brain (because it has so many judgments, misunderstandings, shallow vision, external conditioning and narrowly egoic perspectives) and allow yourself to connect with the space of being, connecting with your heart, and understand your physicality from this place of inner wholeness.