Sexuality is a nature in us, as beings of life-energy, and, like every aspect in us, this nature also requires conscious balancing to ensure that we experience, and express, sexuality in a manner that’s aligned with wisdom along with enjoyment/appreciation of the same. As I’ve mentioned in the previous posts, there are 6 natures, or dimensions of thinking, in life-energy – Love, Joy, Hatred, Fear, Boredom and Sexuality. As a being, you cannot do away with any of these natures and finding an inner balance requires you to bring an aware understanding towards each of these natures, in you, and from this understanding let go of any imbalanced resistance/suppression, or over-identification, towards them, thus allowing for a balanced expression to become the norm.
The journey towards finding conscious balance is a very “personal” journey, and every “body” brings a unique challenge, or opportunity, towards finding this balance. It doesn’t matter how mature/enlightened you are as a soul (possibly having the experience of several lifetimes) you can still find it challenging to work with a human body, in conditions of physical living with other humans, especially when the body comes with its own imbalances (acquired from a gene pool) or when it comes with some specific physical make-up that makes it challenging to function within the “fixated” views of the society.
I get several emails and comments concerning the aspect of sexuality and sexual energy, and I would like to address some common themes here; this post would be mostly focused on gaining a balanced perspective/understanding of the various nuances of sexuality and the deal of finding inner freedom, and thus finding inner balance, towards sexual expression. Finding inner freedom is the foundation towards finding inner balance – without freedom you cannot align with wisdom, and without wisdom you cannot find a balance. When you are in a “bondage”, either out of fear-based suppression or over-indulgent identification, there is no space for wisdom and you are purely motivated, and pulled around, but your “imprisonment” – it doesn’t matter what excuses you make to justify it to yourself. And, this is true for all the 6 dimensions/natures in life-energy – you can be a prisoner to love, to hatred, to fear, to sex, to boredom or to joy. Finding inner freedom from all the 6 dimensions is the pre-requisite to finding an inner balance (and thus connecting with a balanced expression/experience of these dimensions/natures).
It’s very important to understand that inner freedom is just the “foundation”, it’s not supposed to be the “end-point” – a lot of spiritual teachings confuse people into believing that finding inner freedom is the end-point of some sort, and hence propagate some ambiguous pointers on “detachment” as some ultimate goal. Inner freedom is simply a foundation towards balanced living, it gives you the required “ground” to start enjoying the expression of your nature in a balanced manner.
The subject of sexuality usually entails the following aspects of discussion – sexual orientation/preferences, sexuality combined with relationships (expressions like monogamy, polygamy, polyamory and open-relationships in general), masturbation or self-pleasure, celibacy, kinks/fetishes, spiritual sex and sexual hang-ups.
Understanding sexual orientation
There is very common tendency to mis-understand sexual preferences with “relationship orientation”. For example, being gay/homosexual is not just a sexual preference it’s a relationship-orientation in a human. It’s very common for people to mis-understand homo-sexuality with bi-sexuality mostly because both the terms contain the word “sexuality” it’s assumed that both have to do purely with sexual preference, which is not really the case. Being gay is not just about sex, it’s also about emotions, it involves your “heart” – a gay person has the make-up to fall in “love” with another person of the same sex wanting expressions like emotional bonding, marriage, family, etc, just like regular couples (“Lesbian” in the true sense is a woman who is gay). A gay man/woman would feel the same tingling emotions of love, in his/her heart, towards a person of the same-sex, just as a straight man/woman would feel towards a person of opposite sex. Bi-sexuality, on the other hand, is simply an expression of sexual exploration based on curiosity, or need for an adventure or entertainment, as a preference. Just because you have a bi-sexual encounter doesn’t make you gay.
The fact is that all humans have the capacity to “explore” bi-sexuality, if they want to. They’ve even come up with a term for it called “being bi-curious” which means you are exploring out of curiosity to understand what it feels like. The human mind is naturally curious, and inquisitive, and it’s natural for it to feel curious about aspects of sexuality, and sometimes the curiosity takes the form of a real-life exploration. Of course the degree of inclination towards exploring bi-sexuality varies from person to person, just like how sex-drive varies from person to person. In many cases, a person with a high sex-drive is also someone who has a tendency towards exploring bi-sexuality as means of adding “diversity”, or variety, in their sexual experience, or simply as a means to get a new high – of course, this is not true for everyone with a high sex drive, it’s just a general tendency. Even if you have a high degree of inclination towards bi-sexuality it still doesn’t make you gay because you are relating purely from the aspect of sex and you don’t feel emotional love, or desire for an emotional relationship, with your sex partner – just to give an example, some men who explore bi-sexuality often state that they get grossed about cuddling (or even french kissing) with another man and they are only interested in the act of “raw sex” without the romance.
As I mentioned before, all humans have the capacity to explore bi-sexuality if they decide to do so – this means that you can develop an interest towards exploring some aspects of bi-sexuality in the future, even if you don’t have it now. It depends on many things like your curiosity, external influences like your friends or media (for example, if bi-sexuality is made popular in the media, then you will notice people exploring it more from the “fascination” of it), your circumstances (for example, men end up having sex with other men in conditional situations like being in a prison), your sex-drive, your beliefs etc. So, in that sense, bi-sexuality is an expression that may or may not be explored, depending on various factors. However, being gay doesn’t give you that kind of a choice. It’s ridiculous when some schools of thought seem to imply that being gay is a choice and that the people who are gay are “sinning”, or that it’s not “right”, and that they should use their will-power to starting desiring the opposite-sex – such statements imply a deep ignorance about human make-ups. And you don’t have to be gay to understand the makeup of a gay person, inspite of being a straight guy I have an understanding of how the make up of a gay person works purely through the attitude of “open observation” – an aware individual can easily obtain deep understanding about different make-ups, and mindsets, purely through the capacity to observe without judgement.
In fact, the sexual orientation and relationship-orientation dynamics of “transsexuals” is far more varied. Most transsexuals are bi-sexual (desiring sex with men and women, as well as other transsexuals) but their relationship-orientation is varied, some prefer relationships purely with men, some feel an equal emotional attraction towards men and women, some are only attracted to other transsexuals, while some have no specific preference with respect to the sexes. One can imagine the challenges of being in a transsexual body where you have to navigate purely on your own self-understanding along with handling the constant pressure of being different from the majority. You can see how the aspect of sexuality, in a human body, can allow a soul to have the experience of growing in self-awareness and developing the courage to stand true to one’s individuality in the midst of pressure to conform.
To ridicule someone for their sexual orientation, or sexual preference, is rooted in a lack of awareness about human makeup, and also a lack of open-mindedness towards the fact that we are diverse in expressions. Life is all about diversity of expression and experience, it doesn’t follow a redundant path rather a path of varied expressions. To be cynical, fearful or intolerant towards diversity, and differences, in others, puts you in a “karmic relationship” towards that aspect, in that you will then need to go through a similar expression in order to balance your perspective (for example, a person who has a lot of hatred towards homosexuals may end up being born homosexual during another incarnation just to understand that aspect and also to experience what it feels like to be on the receiving side of the hatred/intolerance). An inner freedom is about having a deeper perspective towards all the various expressions of life-energy, in all its diversity, without developing a narrow judgment about it. Of course, some imbalanced expressions need to be controlled/curbed through external regulation in the name of wisdom (for ex, expressions that curb on the freedom of others, like rape) purely from a place of being objective.
One may question if pedophilia (desiring sex with a child) is a sexual orientation, or a preference, or if it’s just an imbalanced sexual expression. The way I see it, a child is someone who is yet to have a clear sexual awareness, who is yet to have the physical/mental ability to make “independent choices”, and hence, for an adult, to involve a child in a sexual act is purely an act of “force”, and thus is an act of exploitation. In a state of balance one does not partake in actions that exploit others, and hence pedophilia, from this perspective, is an imbalanced sexual expression – I don’t see it as a sexual orientation, it’s a preference that’s rooted in imbalance. Of course, it’s true that in the animal kingdom pedophilia is a common occurrence, especially among certain species like pigs, but that doesn’t make it a balanced act, in fact a lot of imbalances exist in the animal kingdom because of low-awareness functioning. A human-being functioning at the level of an animal (without the capacity for deeper emotional intelligence), purely driven by physical drives, is prone to imbalances, and his/her actions would need to be regulated through external force (like law and order), in the name of wisdom, for the sake of maintaining harmony and protecting the freedom of others.
Whatever be your sexual orientation, or sexual preference, you must understand the basic principle of balanced living which is that you can’t force your will upon someone – non-censual sex is an act of severe imbalance.
Sexuality combined with relationships
When I use the term “relationship”, in this context, I am referring to the one involving an emotional bonding (a heart connection). An ideal situation would be to be in a relationship with a partner who has similar (or close to similar) sexual nature as you do unless you are willing to “adjust” with the requirements of your partner as a conscious choice on your part. A lot of sexual frustration can ensue when you are in a relationship with a partner who does not share similarities with your sexual nature – for example, if you have a low sex drive and you find yourself in a relationship with a partner who has a high sex drive it can easily lead to feelings of resentment, while also being interpreted as a lack of love or care. Sexual compatibility does play an important role in ensuring a harmonious “monogamous”, long-term, relationship.
Of course, not everything in life fits into the “ideal” bracket. It’s very possible that you feel an emotional bonding with your partner (and possibly even a sexual compatibility) but also desire to explore sexual expression with others. Under these conditions it can be a very difficult decision to make on whether to pursue your desire for polyamory (multiple sexual partners) at the cost of ruining the emotional bonding you have with your partner, or to let go of this desire as a conscious choice towards cherishing the value of the emotional bond that you’ve found. Balanced decisions always involve an understanding of the light and dark nature consequences of following through with them – remember that every reality is bound to have a light side and a dark side, there is no reality that’s exempt from it because this is the very nature of life. Of course, to make balanced decisions you need to have a sense of inner balance; from a mindset of imbalance you are more likely to choose temporary “joy” over long-term wisdom. To let go of a certain desire, in a bid to cherish a more important desire/priority, is not really a sacrifice/compromise it’s just a part of living from conscious balance. The fact of life is that you can’t have it all (that would be too light-natured), you will always have to function from understanding the limitations of a choice, and every choice comes with its own set of limitations.
Also, in a state of balance you will naturally always stand true to your sense of integrity and responsibility – this sense of operating from values is an essential nature of anyone who’s operating from a place of inner balance. From the place of integrity you will not choose to do something in the “hiding” where the hidden information can have an impact on the decision/preference of the person involved. For example, let’s say you are a married guy, and you make the choice towards being polyamorous, now, from a place of integrity, it would be important that you convey this choice to your spouse, simply because your choice is bound to affect her decision on whether she wants to continue staying with you or not – it’s possible that she may be okay with you exploring your choice, or she may ask you to make a choice between being with her or pursuing polyamory, or she may leave you shocked at the very idea that you contemplated such an option, whatever be the outcome the deal is that you are not “cheating” on her by keeping your choice hidden. Of course, you don’t have to declare your choice to all your friends and family, since your choice does not directly impact them, but it does impact your spouse’s decision to be with you, so in the interest of integrity it’s important to convey it to her.
One can argue – “what if my partner has a low-awareness level and hence is incapable of understanding my choices, does it not make sense to pursue my choices in the hiding to ensure he/she does not get hurt or does not leave me because of his/her narrow thinking?”. It’s a question of perspective, and I can only provide my perspective on this, and the way I see it is that, if maintaining a sense of integrity is important to you then there is no getting around the fact that you need to disclose your choices if it’s bound to affect the preferences/decisions of the other person involved. To do something in the hiding, from this person, is what “cheating” is, and cheating can never be an act of integrity irrespective of what your justifications are for it. Of course, I am talking about the things that you do while being in the relationship, the things that you did before the relationship are not really accountable, and you need to use your wisdom on whether you want to disclose all aspects of your past or not – what you were in the past may not be the person you are now, and hence the past doesn’t have as much value/relevance as what you are doing in the present. The deal of reality is that a relationship that lacks integrity eventually loses its spark, its connection and bonding, you can call it the “karmic influence” or simply a subconscious sabotaging.
There is also a question of “responsibility” and, in truth, it falls along the line of integrity. Some decisions are just evidently irresponsible under a given situation. One needs to have a balance between being selfish and being self-less, in other words, one needs to have a personal commitment while also being balanced in a commitment towards the outside well-being. A balance between being selfish and self-less is a part of inner balance/wholeness, and is an essential pre-requisite for being responsible without being victimized. You are not here purely for the purpose of “enjoyment”, you are also here for developing values, for growth and for finding balance. Enjoyment is an aspect of light-nature which needs to be balanced with aspects like staying true to integrity and responsibility which can be labeled as the dark nature (like a spoiler for the drive towards indulgence). We all have a sense of what’s the “responsible” thing to do, more so in the state of growing awareness, and in some cases what’s responsible may not be what’s “enjoyable” in that moment, and one needs to develop the balance to incorporate this aspect of living in oneself. A simple thumb rule would be that if your action is creating “undue” suffering for someone then it’s very possible that it’s lacking the essence of responsible behavior.
A lot of these “positive thinking” or “get what you want” (using law of attraction et al) type of teachings seem to focus too much on the selfish aspect and very little on the other-side of balanced perspective (requiring a self-less aspect) thus giving a skewed picture on living purely for the sake of enjoyment at all costs, thus creating an imbalance towards light-nature which is bound to create consequences imbalanced in dark nature. There is a difference between “wholeness” and living purely for “bliss/joy” – wholeness is a balance between the light and dark, whereas the term “bliss” implies an imbalance towards light nature. In terms of sexuality you can pursue any preferences that you may have in terms of monogamy, polygamy or open relationships, provided that you also integrate the essence of integrity, and responsibility, while working on a conscious choice based on understanding the light and dark consequences of your actions.
Understanding the deal of masturbation or self-pleasure
There is a lot of stigma attached around masturbation owing to some fear-based, or narrow, teachings propounded from a place of feeling guilty about pleasure. The fact is that in the state of imbalance one is bound to have an inner conflict between light and dark nature aspects in oneself – the dark nature, in you, seems to be in conflict with the expressions of light nature and vice versa. This is the reason for feeling guilty about pleasure. Of course, guilt can also be an indication of feeling circumspect about an imbalanced behavior that you may be indulging in – so, one has to see the guilt in its right context. Guilt does not always mean that you are doing something wrong/imbalanced, it could also stem from some narrow beliefs that you may be holding. The most common reasons why people feel guilty about masturbation are
- Holding onto to some narrow beliefs expounded by conservative religious teachers
- A natural sense of conflict between the dark nature in oneself towards the light nature of indulging in pleasure (feeling bad about enjoying the pleasure)
Though over-indulgence is a problem, masturbation by itself is simply one of the means of enjoyment and entertainment available to you as a human being. In fact, people who have a healthy mindset towards masturbation are also the ones who have a better experience of sex, where they are aware of their pleasure points and don’t hold hang ups about their sexual nature. Also, from an objective point of view, it makes sense to relieve your sexual tension through masturbation than to indulge in an irresponsible sexual encounter driven by the over-dose of suppressed sexual energy. Also, this whole sense of guilt around masturbating, while being in a relationship, stems from a “black and white” thinking that masturbation plays “second-fiddle” to sex with your partner – in truth, the experience that you have while masturbating is very different from the experience of having sex, and each has it’s own value towards your sense of enjoyment and entertainment.
The discussion of masturbation also brings with it question of the use of sexually arousing content like pornographic literature or porn images/videos. There is very little opposition to sexual literature, but there’s definitely a lot of diverse opinion regarding the use of porn images/videos for the sake of masturbation. If there are movies made for romance (love element), movies made for action (hatred element), movies made for comedy (joy element), there are also bound to be movies made for sex and it’s a personal preference on whether one wants to use this form of entertainment. Of course it’s true that there is a lot of exploitation, and abuse, that goes on in the porn industry, especially in the unregulated sectors, and one does need to bring strident regulations, and better management, in this industry, to ensure that there is no exploitation or unhealthy practices that stay prevalent – in a well regulated industry, the performers should be strictly adults who are consenting to do so without being forced against their will. It’s a profession in its own right, with the performers making money from it, and it’s also an expression (there are people who like to share their sex videos, on the internet, purely for the sake of getting a kick from it). The stigma that’s attached to watching porn, or judging people for watching porn, is narrow in it’s own way – it’s just one form of entertainment, and, as long as it’s not made into an imbalanced pre-occupation, is innocuous.
Addiction of any form stems from a place of imbalance – be it addiction to porn or addiction to sex, or addiction to work, or addiction to love, one is not different from the other. It’s also true that watching porn can create some deluded perspectives in the mind of an immature person – for example, expecting your girlfriend to be like a porn-star is just deluded thinking, or for a girl to expect the guy to be as a hung as a porn-star is bound to create disappointments, it’s important to understand that porn caters to “fantasy”, and performers are hired to cater to fantasy. Real-life bodies, real-life sex and real-life “moves” are very different from what you fantasize about, everything comes with its light and dark, there are no “perfections” in real life – you can only imagine/create perfections in your fantasy world.
Also, there is a common tendency to feel threatened if your partner, in your relationship, has the inclination towards using porn for self-pleasure, now and then. The insecurity comes from imagining that your partner is more attracted to the porn-stars than to you, or that he/she is comparing you with the porn-stars and finding you “lesser” in some way. The truth is that, if your partner has an iota of maturity, he/she would know the difference between fantasy and reality, and hence would not draw a comparison between a porn-star and his/her real-life partner, moreover, to use porn for visual stimulation has nothing to do with “attraction” towards the actors performing in it – just like a painting can visually stimulate your sense of aesthetics, a porn movie can visually stimulate your brain’s sex centers, it’s just sexual entertainment – it has nothing to do with real-life attraction. And if you find that your partner has the immaturity of not being able to distinguish fantasy from reality, then you have deeper issues to address than just his/her porn watching deal.
There is also the valid point that porn leads to the objectification of women (and possibly men also), or rather just the propagation of an imbalanced view of humans as being “sex objects”. Someone who is immature can easily come to such deluded conclusions based on the depiction in porn – for example, a guy who has had very little real-life interaction with girls can start objectifying girls as sex objects based on how they are depicted in a porn movie, thus becoming disconnected with the reality that in real-life we are “human” with human emotions and multi-faceted personalities, we are not sex robots (which is what porn usually depicts as a “fantasy”). In fact, the media plays a vital role in shaping the perspectives, and it takes some maturity to be able to differentiate skewed perspectives from reality-based perspectives. Again, it’s about having the maturity to differentiate between fantasy and reality. Enjoying some fantasy-based entertainment is fine as long as you understand it’s just fantasy-based, instead of drawing real-life perspectives from it. In fact, a lot of regular movies are fantasy-based, real-life romances don’t always work that way, however they are made purely for entertainment and for catering to some requirement in use to escape reality (for the relief of it), and there is nothing wrong with it as long as it’s seen in this context – the same holds true for porn, it just takes a maturity to not get deluded or imbalanced by it.
Just to add a pointer, if you are deeply offended by the very mention of porn, it could indicate a certain hang-up you might have towards sexual nature, possibly you have this “good boy/girl” stigma attached to yourself, based on some conditioning or upbringing, which has become a form of a hang-up. If you don’t want to watch porn it’s your preference, but don’t make it a harsh judgment on someone who does enjoy it in a balanced manner. Of course, there are imbalanced aspects to watching porn, just as there are imbalanced aspects to everything in life including being in love. The deal is to bring balance, and thus a maturity, towards the expressions, and experiences, that you entertain in your life. To be close-minded is as much an imbalance as it is to be recklessly indulgent – being open-minded is not a license to become over-indulgent, in fact one has to be even more responsible/conscious when one is open-minded so that one does not end up using the inner freedom as an excuse towards imbalanced behavior.
The deal of Celibacy
Some beings are attracted towards practicing celibacy either because they are bored of sex (possibly through several lifetimes of indulgence) or because they naturally feel drawn towards focusing their energy on some specific creative (possibly spiritual) goal and thus want to conserve their energy. In the post – Channel your sexual energy – I talked about developing the capacity towards “containing” your sexual energy without feeling pulled around by it. This is needed to develop a sense of power (stemming from inner freedom) towards your own sexual energy, where you don’t feel like a prisoner to it when it arises in you. However, this was not a pointer towards completely abstaining from sexual expression/release, in the form of sex or masturbation – it was just a pointer towards developing an inner freedom towards the movement of sexual energy in you, through the state of openness/allowing, by no longer fighting it, and no longer being totally identified with it. Once you develop this sense of inner freedom, you can work towards a balanced sexual expression that’s aligned with your personal sexual make-up.
Some people might feel “asexual” (sometimes called “frigid”), in that they may sense no sexual feelings, in them, at all. Of course, sexual nature is present in every living being, however it’s expression may get suppressed fully or it may not find an expression due to lack of exploration. Some people who feel “asexual” might just not be exploring aspects of what excites them – it’s possible that they get excited by some fetish or a certain kink, and their sense of guilt, or lack of awareness, causes them to disconnect with it. Abstaining from sexual activity is not some “evolved” state of being. Sexuality is a nature of life-energy, and this can’t ever be removed. In that sense, abstaining from sexual expression is, at most, a temporary practice that one may indulge in for specific reasons. Celibacy has nothing to do with being enlightened.
The deal of kinks and fetishes
A sexual kink is basically a desire for a “non-normative” sexual activity to further one’s pleasure, gratification or sense of adventure. The only way to define “non-normative” sex is to use it as an umbrella to consider everything other than the “plain old sex”. Some examples of sexual kinks are – role-playing (for ex, the partners might dress up, and act, like a slave and king), a variety of BDSM (playing out scenarios of bondage, play-acting domination and submission, indulging in masochism like spanking or mild electric shocks), cross-dressing (man dressing as a woman, or woman as a man), dirty-talk, public sex, mutual masturbation, rituals etc. Of course, one can have kinks even with respect to masturbation like using sex-toys of different kinds or cross-dressing or even cross-visualizing (where a straight man visualizes himself to be a woman in an act of sex, while masturbating, and vice versa). A sexual fetish is also “non-normative” sexual tendency, but this term is more specifically used to define sexual link-up with a certain “object” or a certain body-part, where a person finds it difficult to get aroused (or get-off) without either thinking/visualizing about it or having it present – for example, fetishes can be towards objects like foot-wear, latex-wear (like spandex etc), rubber, fur, leather, ornaments, piercing or towards certain body parts like feet, navel, under-arms etc. In a lot of ways fetishes are a subset of kinks just that they are very focused on the “objects”.
Sexuality is a nature that’s open to a lot of creativity (after all sexual energy is the essence of creative nature) and hence you see varied forms of expression in this nature in all creations of life including humans. If you don’t have sexual hang-ups, there are several ways in which you can bring a creative “freshness” to your sex-life, of course in many cases you may also need a willing partner so it makes sense to look for someone who has a good level of compatibility with your sexual nature. If you have certain kinks, or fetishes, it’s best to find a partner who is compatible with it, or someone who is open to it – to be with someone who is constantly judging you for your fetish, or kink, can be an exercise in frustration. Of course, the only reason you would end up in such a situation is when you are in resistance to your own “interests”, where you either feel guilty about it or ashamed of it. It’s important to understand that if you have a certain “interest”, or inclination, and if it’s not something that infringes on the rights of others (and is not harmful to your well-being), then it’s something you should be willing to explore in some way as it’s a part of the expression that this body was designed to have.
There are two terms which are used in the BDSM community – SSC (safe, sane and consensual) and RACK (risk aware consensual kink). There is nothing wrong with enjoying certain dark natured sexual activities like play-acting domination or indulging in some masochism (getting aroused by the pain), it’s just a preference, and what sexually excites you is unique to you, what’s important is to have a sense of awareness about your actions to ensure that you are operating in a state of wisdom. Wisdom dictates that you ensure that your kink/fetish is within the safe-limits, while also making sure that you don’t end up victimizing someone who is not a willing participant in your kink – it’s very important to ensure that your partner is fully willing to participate in the kink, and is not doing so under pressure from you (or to seek approval of you). Also, it’s wise to not discuss your kinks, or fetishes, with someone who lacks an openness and may not understand it (in the section below I discuss “sexual hang-ups”, the last person you want to discuss a kink with is a person with a sexual hang-up) unless you like being termed “weird”.
The deal of spiritual sex
People who have done astral projection (where you, as a soul, consciously step out of your body and travel in the non-physical realm), or who have had out-of-body experiences, mention that sex happens even in the non-physical, and this is in tune with the fact that life-energy has a sexual nature – be it in physical form or non-physical form. Sex in the non-physical happens in the form of sexual energy exchange between souls, it’s a different experience from the physical aspect of sex where the senses can take over the feeling of energy movement. I am not into astral projection and so none of this is my personal experience, this is just something that resonates with me when I read the accounts of people who are into astral-projection and out-of-body experiences. There are practices like “Tantra” which work on the similar principle of focusing on the exchange of sexual energy without requiring physical intercourse – again, I have little, or no idea, about these practices, and have no interest in them either, however, if the idea of it intrigues you then it’s definitely something you can explore, as it has the capacity to deepen your awareness of sexual energy.
The way I see it, as long as you are physical you may as well explore, and enjoy, physicality – you will have plenty of time to explore your non-physical aspects after you die. This is the reason why I don’t feel any real interest in trying to explore non-physical experiences, like astral projection, out-of-body experiences, deep meditations, spiritual drugs or spiritual sex. Of course, it’s totally fine to indulge in spiritual experiences, while being physical, if that’s what you find interesting, but don’t do it because you think it’s some “higher” way to be – it’s just another experience. Of course, you do need to have an openness in your being, where you are not totally lost to the physicality, so that you have access to the wisdom/guidance coming from your non-physical space – this balance between physical and non-physical is necessary to be rooted in wisdom, however it doesn’t make any sense to try to detach from aspects of physicality while you are physical. Some people seem too eager to go back into the non-physical instead of understanding that there is a reason why they choose to come forth into the physical realm, mostly for the purpose of “growth” that may be required in them, which can be had, more quickly, through the opportunities provided in this realm.
Sexual hang ups
Like all natures in life, sexual nature also has a light and dark dimension to it (dark doesn’t mean negative, it’s just a label to reference the polarities – yin/yang). Some people, especially the ones who have some imbalances towards light nature, have certain hang ups towards the dark side of sexuality – basically they are stuck up on the “I am a good boy/girl” label, so stuff like dirty talk, kinkiness, fetishes, role-play, rough sex (also called caveman sex), mutual masturbation or anything that requires sexual overt-ness feels deeply uncomfortable or even shocking to them. They also have a certain “prude” attitude towards sexual behaviors of other people. Or, they may truly want to be overt/open in their sexual expression, and they might have some kinks or fetishes that they would love to explore, but they are afraid of the “bad girl/boy” label, or what’s called the “slut complex”. This form of a hang-up prevents them from connecting fully with their own sexual energy (especially the dark nature of their sexual energy). When your sexual energy is “stuck up” you are likely to attract someone who has a similar issue, basically the end result is sexual frustration and dissatisfaction. People who are sexually stuck-up have this sense of fear towards people who are open/aligned with their sexual nature, and they find security in finding someone who is equally stuck up – they are just seeking security towards their hang-up.
Sexual stuck-up-ness is unattractive per se, it closes down your charisma/magnetism in a huge way. A lot of men, and women, are afraid of being open about their sexual nature, and are sometimes even “apologetic” about it, mostly because of the “good girl/boy” complex that they hold on to – they may be considered “polite”, or even cute or nice, but they are never going to be attractive. The magnetism needed to evoke attraction is largely present in your sexual nature, if you are closed down in your sexuality you are very unlikely to evoke the primal attraction in the opposite sex (or same-sex depending on your orientation). Also, to have good sex it’s very important to be “communicative” while having sex, letting your partner know what you want, what you are feeling, what you would like him/her to do, instead of just hoping that your partner gets it right. Of course, if your partner gets offended by your open communication you get to know that he/she has a sexual hang-up (reg flag alert).
I am not suggesting that everyone needs to be kinky while having sex, it may not be your style and that’s fine. It’s just that you need to be authentic with yourself about whether you are holding back on your sexual nature. Some of the behaviors present in people with sexual hang ups are as below
- A sense of uprightness about their “good girl/boy” self image, being uppity and looking down upon people who are sexually open
- Feeling embarrassed while talking about sex, using “metaphors” (like birds and bees) instead of being straight-forward – again stemming from the “I don’t use dirty words” aspect of the “good girl/body” syndrome
- The tendency to not enjoy self-pleasure/masturbation, feeling guilty about it or feeling ashamed of it
- Feeling intolerant towards sexual behavior in other people, like their kinks or fetishes. Lacking an openness to understand that different people have different sexual proclivities and find different things sexually entertaining
- Feeling jealous, or insecure, about their partner appreciating the sexiness of another person (people who are comfortable with their sexual nature are usually not jealous of the sexiness in others; they also understand that it’s normal to feel sexually aroused/excited by the sexiness in someone, so they don’t judge their partner for it)
- The inability to enjoy “sexual fantasies”, feeling that if they fantasize about something then they might do it in real life. For example, a woman, while shopping with her husband, at a mall, might have a sexual fantasy about a hot sales guy there and feel deeply guilty/shocked/offended at having such a fantasy in her mind, feeling that she might want it in real life or that she is being unfaithful because she had that thought. In truth, fantasies have nothing to do with real life, they are just imaginative projections of your mind – there are no boundaries to thoughts but there are boundaries to how reality works. Enjoying fantasies, in your mind, or enjoying some fantasy-based entertainment, does not mean that you would be inclined towards it in real life.
Even beyond these behaviors, there is something very obviously “closed” about people who have sexual hang-ups. Their energy seems to contains aspects of hidden anger, insecurity, touchiness, defensiveness, mostly stemming from the inner frustration of being so suppressed.
Connecting with inner freedom and balance towards sexual energy
Freedom is a pre-requisite to balance. Without having a sense of inner freedom, from a certain nature, you cannot bring a balance to it. So, the foundational step is always about finding inner freedom. The way to find inner freedom is through the state of allowing (or rather “inner allowing”), which means that you are neither suppressing nor being overly identified towards the nature until you sense that you are no longer at the mercy of it. For example, if you consider the nature of “fear”, the way to attain inner freedom from it is to allow the energy of fear fully in you, in the form of thoughts and emotions, without suppressing it or getting “influenced” by it (identified with it), just staying in an openness, or surrender – this openness will allow the energy of fear to start balancing out in you, on its own. It’s the same for sexual energy also. For a while, you will just need to work on the state of openness until you sense that you are neither fighting this energy nor are you at the mercy of this energy – this is the perfect foundation to start exploring what you would like to express, and experience, using this energy.
It does take some courage, and receptiveness, to be willing to let go of clinging to your pre-conceived notions, of your rigid beliefs, of your mental stances, of your hang ups, and just be open. For example, if anything in this post is “offensive” to you, or if it makes you uncomfortable, it’s a good place to work on the state of allowing instead of getting identified with your mental stance. What makes you uncomfortable is usually an indication of where your growth might lie in terms of developing an openness in your being. Once you truly have an openness you can make choices on how you specifically want to experience, or express, aspects of your nature – you will then be moving from a place of wisdom, and self-understanding, rather than from a place of hang-ups, fears, narrow thinking and delusions.
Sen, what is your opinion on asexuality? There are some people who claim to genuinely not have any sexual or emotional interest in the opposite or same sex whatsoever, (they have no sex drive nor romantic interest). Yet, you say that the sexual dimension can not ever be absent.
I don’t know what to think because I barely have any knowledge on the subject.
Hi, Sen,
You haven’t touched the subject of sadomasochism. There aren’t good theories about it – where it comes from?
I’m especially interested in a phenomenon when a man is sexually attracted to a dominance of a woman, likes to be humiliated in many ways by woman. I wonder what is your view about it. Is it coming from a place of inbalance towards dark nature? Or is it maybe a hidden desire to loose control – to be free from ego-force – and one does it in sex, by giving away control to his partner? Or is it just inbalance in hatred towards oneself?
FJ, the experience of “submission” (even involving a play-act of humiliation) is sexually arousing to some people and it can be a sexual preference even in a state of balance, provided that one is rooted in wisdom and balance while indulging in these activities (keeping it safe, sane and consensual). However, there is a huge difference between enjoying the experience of “submission” in a sexual play-act and being a submissive person (lacking inner power) in real-life. A conscious submission, for the purpose of enjoying the experience of it, is different from an imbalanced state of feeling submissive out of a lack of connection with inner power. Just like there is a difference between seeking the experience of controlled pain (bdsm style of sex) as a form of sexual play and subjecting oneself to pain (like cutting or scratching oneself) from a place of depression or frustration with life. It’s all about the energy/mindset that’s driving you.
As for the question of – “where does this preference of sadomasochism in sexual play come from?”, it mostly comes from the makeup of an individual, from the personality traits especially around sexuality. A person can enjoy bdsm sex involving sadomasochism, with a consensual partner(s), within safe-limits, as an experience that one wants to explore from a balanced mindset. On the other hand there are also people who become indulgent towards sadomasochism as an expression of hatred/sadness/depression that they feel towards life, in that case, the energy is rooted in an imbalance and can possibly lead to some deeply imbalanced acts that violate the well-being of others and oneself. So, sadomasochism by itself is not an “imbalanced” act, it can be enjoyed from a balanced state or it can be an imbalance pre-occupation driven by inner-imbalance, it’s just that the person may be balanced or imbalanced in his/her pre-occupation with it. Eventually, you would need to bring awareness to yourself and sense the driving force behind your actions and pre-occupations, and be honest with yourself to sense if it’s being driven from an energy of imbalance or if simply a conscious choice towards exploring a certain experience for the enjoyment of it.
I’ve now added a section “the deal of kinks and fetishes” to the post to touch upon this topic.
Sen (or anyone else who would be kind enough to answer this) I have a few inquiries about sexuality.
My former girlfriend (before I dated her) was texting some guy who offered to fool around with her. She was talking to me and said “Hmm.. I’m considering it”. Even though I wasn’t dating her then, I was thinking “God this girl is trash”. A day or so later, she decided that she only did that sort of thing with people she dated. She also said she wanted to experiment with girls. Both of those things carried with me for a long time, even so much as to make me bring them up to her several times. I said such things as “You’re trashy” “You seem easy” “That’s disgusting” “If you did those things I would never have dated you”, etc. I gave her the silent treatment many times as well. My behavior reeked of imbalance, what would be outlook on that behavior be when I reached balance?
The idea of being OK with dating “sluts” (the legitimate definition) or people with a lot of experience doesn’t sit well with me at this point in time. Not only for that reason, but as men get older, the prime attraction is still towards the 18-25 demographic of women. Is wanting to be with that group of women some odd desire, especially if you were in your 60s?
In regards to gay men, I don’t really tolerate them, and it’s my understanding that I don’t really have to. Aforementioned girl has a friend who is gay and a giant “attention whore”, in which he flaunts around acting flamboyant and annoying. This is the kind of gay man that I would love to beat up. Is that perspective imbalanced?
Thanks for reading, I hope you (or anyone) replies.
Elaborating on not tolerating gay men – That doesn’t mean harassing any or hurting any of them, just at this point not being OK with their desires/sexuality/behavior. My “intolerance” of them has been long standing, so that needs dissolving.
Michael: “My behavior reeked of imbalance, what would be outlook on that behavior be when I reached balance?”
Indeed it did, as do the other things you bring up. It sounds like your ex-gf was exploring her being, and you responded by being judgmental. A more balanced response might have been to leave it alone (she was not your gf), or talk about it if you wanted to get to know her. Maybe you would have found out why she was curious and what formed her choices. You would not have to accept her view as your own, but you could give her room to express it. Then you are free to choose whether or not you want to be involved with her.
Straight men of all ages will find 24 year old women pretty. But that does not mean we will want to pursue them. People grow and change, someone from a different generation is at a very different point in life. The 60 year old who still wants 24 year olds has maybe not grown in some way – maybe he gets an ego stroke from the pretty woman’s attention, maybe he is unable to accept the changes of aging, maybe he thinks getting sex proves his worth as a man, who knows? Anything like that shows imbalance.
If you want to beat that man up, it sounds imbalanced. Violent reaction to somebody else’s actions is a rather clear sign. Is the strong reaction because he is gay? Or does any person loudly seeking attention wind you up?
Allowing will help you let go. The common theme sounds like a need to be right or superior – judgments about how things should be, according to you. Only you can find out all that lies behind it, of course. That you are here asking is a good sign that you are ready to grow. Be well!
*Perspective Needed* This post was 5 weeks ago and although my perspective of gay men has changed and there is an understanding of why people would want to experiment with their sexuality, imagining a girl (that I was close to, hypothetically) doing that stuff still rubs me the wrong way. Hell, even imagining the old girl doing that still gets me annoyed. The intensity of those thoughts has gone down, but the dissolution of those patterns has not happened yet.
Any of the site’s experienced commenters, please reply!
Michael, it’s important to understand the equation between preferences in the context of openness/inner-freedom. The state of balanced openness involves being true to your preferences (after releasing any imbalanced preferences created by deluded thinking) while also being open to allowing people to live their lives according to their preferences. You have the right to choose people, to have relationship with, that match your preferences but you have no business trying to control people to meet your preference (such an attitude of control is rooted in an imbalanced thinking). You have the freedom to find a partner who matches your preferences, and you also have the freedom to let go of a partner who does not meet your preferences, but you don’t have the freedom to try to control your partner to meet your preferences because then it’s not freedom its like a restriction/bondage. You need to have the inner freedom to let go of a relationship where you see that your preference is not being matched (if that’s your choice), but to try to control your partner to meet your preference would get you nowhere, it would just lead to friction and conflict.
What you mention is that you wouldn’t like your girlfriend to be bi-sexual, and that’s a preference that you have. So you can work towards choosing a girlfriend who is not into bi-sexual experimentation, but if she does ends up having a bi-sexual encounter you will have to decide whether you want to continue with the relationship or not, it’s fine to quit on a relationship that no longer matches your preference as long as you realize that it’s not her fault that she followed her preference, to blame her or resent her is rooted in form of deluded thinking – you need to have the inner freedom to follow your preference, when needed, without trying to control the other person or blame the other person for following their preference. Openness doesn’t mean that you have to accept a relationship that doesn’t meet your preference, it means that you have to be open to allowing people to live their preference while also having the openness to choose people who match your preference and letting go of people that don’t.
Hi Sen, thank you so much for posting this. I have a
question about attracting women. You see, there is a
saying that jerks and thugs get women, while nice guys
are left alone. Now it seems to me that women usually
end up wth guys that treat them bad, yet they stay with
Him or keep going back to him or find another man to
treat them just as bad. Now from my perspective, they
find nice guys to be boring,dull, or just not attractive.
To a women a jerk may come off as confident and fun
but she will eventually realize he’s no good. So I have
two questions driving me crazy. The first one, what are
the characteristics jerks have that attract so many women?
And what can a nice Guy do to adopt those characteristics
and be more attractive to women.
Dashawn, instead of making this about attracting women it’s far more aligned to just focus on finding your own balance as a being and then let the realities shape up in accordance with your inner balance. If your focus is on “how do I attract women” you’ve already lost your inner power because your focus is resting on external approval, that’s the paradox of it. Two questions you can ask yourself are
– How/What do I feel about myself? (be brutally honest with your introspection of this) – do you really feel that you are living/being your “ideal self” or do you feel that you are far lacking from it. And if you are not being your “ideal” self, what are the areas in which, you sense, you need growth, especially in terms of maturity and character.
– Are you fully aware of your individual nature/preference and willing to stand true to yourself, instead of trying to suppress yourself to accommodate others?
To be your “ideal self” and to also be aligned with your individual preferences is a balance between light and dark. For example, as mentioned in this post, your individual preference, in terms of your sexuality, can be towards being “submissive” (desiring to be with a woman who enjoys dominance), and you can be totally aligned with it and thus attract a woman who’s aligned with your nature – this is how you are being true to your individual preference and this involves a state of inner power. However, along with your individual preference you also stay true to your sense of “ideal self” ensuring that you are not compromising on what’s important to your sense of integrity, responsibility and wisdom, which includes respecting the freedom of others and having a balanced selflessness. This balance is eventually what you need as a being to feel aligned with yourself, and with life per se. Once this alignment is in place the rest of it is just a movement of living in congruence with your nature.
The reason why the so-called “jerks” are more attractive to women is because they feel good about themselves (with a strong sense of selfishness towards their preferences). However, they may not be living the “ideal self”, lacking in integrity and responsibility, which eventually causes the woman to feel abused – an imbalanced consequence is inevitable when one is functioning from a place of inner imbalance.
Another thing to consider is that people living from imbalance, making unconscious choices, may just be repeating patterns taught them by their parents or society. So those women may be drawn to the jerks because they lack self-worth (attracting someone who reflects her inner imbalance), or because father was a jerk (she learned this relationship type from her parents). Sen puts it well. Find balance, then insecure women pairing up with jerks will no longer bother you.
Or just like how a guy find needy women overbearing and repelling eventually (when honeymoon phase has faded), a girl might feel the nice guys’ needy vibe.
girls are attracted to ‘good men’ who are content of himself w integrity and boundaries, some unconscious women are hung up with ‘bad boys'(thus they keep going back). and some women feel pressured with ‘overly nice guys’. I’ve seen some ‘nice’ guys being overly compromising (not knowing his limit) and be abused by ‘bad’ or unconscious women.
so just being nice guy doesn’t cut it. same goes for women, being simply a nice girl can give unconscious men (who don’t know his integrity or boundary) to test his limits of how far can a girl put up with his behavior (not knowingly). a girl should know her limit too what she will not put up with. and I guess this comes naturally when he/she is not needy/desperate for affection.
Or, the girl might feel needy deep down herself and wants to avoid seemingly needy guys because it reminds of herself (the aspect of herself that she dislikes)
I guess the key is the balanced approach. with that approach you can sense if a girl is needy (and will be able to learn to let go and not dear hold onto, since needy relationships are exhausting). but like sen states, its not about finally coming to a conclusion (end point) but being open to whatever while you desire certain type of relationship because every relationship (even imbalanced ones) can teach us about our imbalanced self. if an imbalanced person triggers such impact, it may mean we have yet come to balance. if we only seek for ‘balanced relationship’ it may mean that we are resistant (due to fear?) of certain reality. wholeness as sen states is of non-resistance..
I’ve still yet to allow my own resistances. its good to be logical @ times identifying obviously imbalanced person, but the fear of ending up with imbalanced person hints that I am still resistive and is not total allowing of this reality.
Dear Sen,
What is your point of view about STD?
Mark, the state of balance is about being connected with the sense of responsibility towards oneself and others, which involves moving from a place of wisdom towards ensuring safety through balanced caution, in all pre-occupations including sexual activities. Being reckless is a state of imbalance where one is disconnected from wisdom and in this state one is likely to subject oneself to undue risk which manifests in the from of some imbalanced reality like a disease.
There are bad boys, nice guys and what I like to call the “medium good guy”
He’s balanced in his confidence, his life style, his ambitions and his sexuality.
He’s good in bed because he’s easy going about things. He communicates with his lover verbally and physically without being needy or dominant, he’s comfortable. He loves women, he does not fantasize or objectify women. He enjoys beauty in many forms, he enjoys her conversations her mind, her spirit. He wants to please her not to ‘own’ her but to make her happy. He is comfortable with asking from her. He does not demand from her, knowing that he can leave a relationship without regret, he has wisdom.
He does not create intimacy from what he’s been told, he knows she is unique and asks questions. He learns her body as she learns his. This is the play of sexuality. It’s an experience on many levels, these levels of play are unique to the couple. The bond becomes stronger with the more freedom of fear. Thus the perfect yin/yang in it’s creation. The Medium good guy takes courting slow and his sexual life. He is not there for ejaculation, he is there for the journey.
a women in tune with her sexuality will always find the Medium good guy. Because she knows the difference. Her emotions will dictate her level of contentment. Her intuition is acute, because she knows her body, her mind and her spirit. She is “confidently submissive” and this does not mean anything close to ‘doormat’ ‘whore’ ‘slut’ anything close. She has a beautiful inner marriage with her feminine and masculine. Her ‘confident submission’ means she understands her feminine in an adoring and protective way. She can leave a relationship that no longer serves her. She can embrace, confidently her needs and express them without fear. This pairing creates an embrace of sharing and communication that is lovingly respectful.
They have both developed wonderful, safe, communicative, appreciative, respectful inner marriages. This will bring them together.
For relationships that are not in balance, it is because they were internally imbalanced. No one is to blame and both could converse with each other about there inner marriages and become balanced.
The responsibility for creating your life and sexual universe starts inside the singular, develops with deep consideration for the self and then manifests into a partnership with another in synchronicity.
Create, tend and converse with your inner marriage and it will appear.
I could go on and on about dysfunction, but that will only create negative dialog and mask the masterpiece within us all.
Best wishes
Namaste
Sen, I disagree with your description of bi-sexual – though it might be a language quibble. I have a relative who is neither (or both?) gay nor straight, and has had long relationships with both men and women. This has not been simply a sexual choice, it involved living together for years, planning long-term, etc.
Just as any aspect of our being, there is a continuum of possibility in our sexual orientation. What you describe as ‘transsexual’ seems to fit this idea, forgive me if I am just misunderstanding what you wrote. I thought that meant one who has changed gender, either through lifestyle or surgically.
Markus, I agree, there is a continuum of possibility in our sexual orientation – it’s not really possible to get “black and white” about it.
Thank you Sen
Markus – Thank you for replying. Are you balanced yet? I’ll assume that when I come to it, that all the suggestions you have put in will make sense to me and not be forced. This girl was my wake up call, and I am glad for that, although my brain roars on all day long (this has been going on for months) about her. No matter how annoying, victimized, dumb, selfish, and at the end bitchy she was, my brain still wants to be with her. It’s been going on so long, even though I’ve been allowing of it since February or so, that the thought of “Either this is a deep seeded issue, or she was something special”. The latter of course is harder to believe with what went on in that relationship.
That makes sense. From my perspective, it has always been that looking at women of your own age when you’re in senility is odd. Who would make a conscious choice to go after a 60 year old covered in wrinkles than a young woman? (if there were no social objections, etc.)
I used to get pretty rage filled over any gay man, but nowadays it only comes up from the feminine “I have to let everyone know I’m gay by being annoying” ones. Aforementioned girl was an attention whore and I wanted to smack her silly. I called her out on it a few times and she went into victim mode – “*sniff Yeah…I’m an attention whore. I love attention *sniff”. Anyone who is an attention whore, usually on Facebook incites rage in me like nothing else.
Yeah, the theme seems to be superiority for not doing something myself or society looks down on. I hope I can get out of this pattern soon, it’s quite annoying having to react to anything annoying I see. Thanks for the reply!
Michael, I believe I am balanced in some ways, but am still working on finding balance in others. This process seems not to have an end state, just different parts of ourselves upon which to focus. And something that feels balanced today may come up again in the future, needing new, more subtle focus. Layers of imbalances to let go, one could say. As long as we are in a body, there is work we can do.
Regarding your first paragraph, you can make great strides when you are able to stop pointing fingers at others and own your part of the drama. She may well have been annoying, victimized, dumb, selfish, and such – not to say she does not bear responsibility for her part – but when you are able to tell yourself that you were __, __, or __ and held up your half of the conflict, you can grow. Because at that point, you are being honest about what you need to let go or change. Until then, the mind will take any excuse to avoid that responsibility. That is what makes allowing hard – truly accepting that we have these unlikable qualities – but it is also the key to letting them go and changing for the better.
Hey Sen,
What are your views on someone who seems to switch to asexuality at some point in their lives?
Also, do you believe in ‘chakras’?
Sen,
i’ve been an avid reader of your blog ever since may 11. I only tend to disagree with you on your views on sexuality.
i strongly believe sex only has 1 purpose – PROCREATION.
Also in most animals (except for a couple) sex happens only for procreation, during the mating period.
We humans have abused sex for pleasure.
Also if sex for pleasure was NATURAL, in the sense, nature intended it that way, what was the need for condoms, contraceptives, pills to abort. Clear indication that sex was only for PROCREATION.
I agree sex gives immense pleasure however you can’t get enough of something that gives you pleasure. Given half a chance, almost everybody would want to indulge in threesomes, orgies, sex with younger partners, all fetishes, kinks, just trying something new, sadomasochism, and sex with cocaine, and multiple partners because the deal with pleasure is that you would always want a greater high because something you have had again and again would be mundane and lose its pleasure value over time.
So i feel you got it all wrong.
Sex was never one of the 6 dimensions. As it was meant for PROCREATION, sex for any other purpose was indulgence. Maintaining celibacy i.e having sex only to procreate isn’t an act of suppression.
I hope that you include this question and answer it.
Much appreciated !
Ben, sex is used purely for pro-creation only in “low intelligence” beings, in any being that has the capacity for some higher intelligence/awareness sex becomes more than just a “procreation tool”, it becomes a means of entertainment and a means of finding creative expression. To say that sex should be purely for pro-creation is like saying that “eating food” should be purely to satiate hunger. You can eat food to satiate your hunger, but you can also eat food to appreciate various cuisines and create different types of foods using your creative intelligence. An animal of low intelligence will use food purely to satiate hungry, you won’t see animals getting creative about food preparations.
Your argument about “what’s natural” is quite ambiguous, because from your definition humans should also stop boiling milk to keep it natural, and thus risk an infection (a natural infection), or should stop transplanting kidneys (once the natural kidneys fail) to keep it all “natural”. Humans have a higher intelligence capacity and hence are bound to find various means to solve/over-come limitations and thus expand the potential for enjoyment and well-being.
Using condoms and contraceptive pills is an indication of human intelligence which allows you to find more creative, and enjoyable, expressions of sex without it having to cause an unwanted pregnancy. The growth of intelligence is a natural part of evolution, the primitive man did not have the intelligence (and hence did not come up with the technology) to make condoms, or contraceptive pills, and hence he was limited in his use/expression of sex. If you have desire for a certain expression of sexuality, as long as it’s not infringing on the freedom of others and has a grounding in the sense of responsibility and balanced wisdom, there is no reason for you to suppress it. Growth is an inherent part of our nature, and we will constantly keep growing through avenues of curiosity and explorations, “boredom” is a part of our nature which is why we can’t avoid growth towards new expressions/explorations be it in sexuality or any other dimension of thinking. The core pointer is to have the foundation of inner balance to ensure that our expressions or explorations are not coming from a place of imbalanced pre-occupation.
However, you are entitled to your view-point and your justifications for your view point, I am not suggesting that my justification or or my view point is the “right one” – it’s just what resonates with me in my current level of awareness.
If u look at it from a real sense, you will find out that attracting a woman has nothen to do with being a jerk/thug or a good guy. It depends on how alligned you are with yourself.
The reason why it seems like the jerks/thugs attracts more women than the good guys is because jerks can come across as being the unserriouse,foolish,comedy,intimidating type. While the good guys can come across as being the serriouse,reticent type. Owing to these facts, jerks tends to attract not only women but guys/men. But everything has its own place. There is time for everything. Time to eat, time to read, time to play, time for serriousness e.t.c. Any girl that wants a bit of fun/play will go to a jerk. It’s not everytime that one is in the mood of fun. Sometimes one will sense that he/she needs a little bit of serriousness inwhich he/she may go to the good guys.
Take for instance, in college, The jerks displays a high sense of confidence,. U know, entering each class with swag and always coming allong with a group of flamboyant friends. Whenever there are no lectures, they put the class in a booming/bobling mood. Whereas the good guys tends to stay alone, coming to class with few or no friends and most of the time enjoys the fun raised by the Jerks. In a social event like this, everybody would love to be arround a Jerk. Research has shown that the good guys posseses a great deal of wisdom and intellgence than the jerks. However, when assignment/test/research work is given or when there is a problem (interms of reading and understanding a particular course/subject), you will find out that the good guys(intelligent ones) excells. They are clustered by guys/girls including the Jerks.
There are about three reason why a woman(a stranger) will naturally get attracted to you
(1) YOUR PHYSICAL APPEARANCE(hight,facial looks, your body/muscle build up e.T.C): allot of girls will instantly get attracted to you if you are handsome(just as you get naturally attracted to a beautiful belle). And if u have a “sexy body”. Infact most women find a guy that has a nice muscle build up(like a guy that gyms. And his stomach packs) sexualy arousing. I see how my sisters behave arround a handsome, muscle endowed guys, irrespective of whether they are jerks or good guy.
(2)YOUR SENSE OF CONFIDENCE: We live in a society where women are taught that men are ment to be their protector/heroe, it is natural for women to get attracted to a guy that disposes a noticeable sense of confidence (especially in public). It makes them feel feminine. It gives them the feeling that “this guy can protect me anytime, anywhere”. Ofcourse most women are internally & externaly insecure (unless those with high awareness), they depend on men for these insecurities. So, if you possess a great deal of fake external confidence/security and you lack internal security, you will find it difficult to keep an insecure woman as your partner for long. Most jerk you see are just behaving the way they were created. It doesn’t mean that they have inner security. My best friend is a jerk/thug type(sorry to use such word on him). He has the ability to command as much attention – from women – as he wants but can’t pour out his heart to any of his girls. He find it difficult telling a girl “I Love you”. Am the one that doese that for him.
(3) COMMUNICATION: Communication shouldn’t be underestimated while thinking of attracting the opposite sex. Even if you have the physique or security, without a good communication, you can’t know the mind of a woman/girl. A girl can feel attracted to you, but if you are not forthcoming, she may never approach you to tell you her feeling. This is where allot of “good guys” dont get it. Some of them that do, has as much girls as they like.
Attracting a girl is one aspect and Approaching a girl is another aspect. Jerks and Good guys can attract almost equal amount of women. But they don’t approach at thesame level. The amount of girls/women you have in your reality depends on how many you were able to approach not how many you were able to attract. Attraction is more of an interest someome gets in you but you need to show the person that you are also interested in her by approaching her. There are no two ways about it. U must not wait until u attract a girl before taking a step to approach one that you feel attracted to. Making a stranger laugh is a kind of approach (whether directly or indirectly) and talking to a girl in a “serriouse terms is a kind of approach. The way you approach a girl will depend on your nature (jerk/good guy).
The truth is that keeping a relationship is different from making a woman laugh or playing with her. It need a total maturity and inner & outer security, which if you don’t possess, no matter how many women you attract, only a few will last long.
Its better to get close to jerks/thugs and good guys, in order to understand them better and stop thinking that one “have it all” than the other. So focus on workin on your inner world and your external world will follow suit. I would have narated my life experience, but ‘no space’..
Thanks for the post Sen. In reply to William. I don’t think you should label men as “good guys”, “thugs” or “jerks”. In my experience I find it that the so called “jerks, bad boys and thugs” are more in balance with who they are (more aligned with their own reality). They attract people because they feel good about who they are. Many times when I encounter “good guys” they usually have some sort of fear or hang up that they try to mask or are afraid to deal with, and thus are unable to just experience from a joyful place. There are no “good guys” and “bad guys”.
Just people that are more or less aligned with themselves. Roze mentioned the medium good guy, that is just another man that’s more aligned with who he is as an individual.
Hi Sen or other readers,
Thank you for these words! I think this is a great topic choice because I feel that sexuality and issues of sexual exploration and health are often overlooked in topics of restfulness, mindfulness and well-being.
Please read on and provide feedback: I consider myself to be a fairly mindful and self-exploratory person. I am exceptionally open to the diversity found within different types of people and generally do not believe in black and white truths.
However, I am a person who struggles with anxiety. My struggles have often centered around my sexual orientation and fears about inappropriate or INCONVENIENT desires. While I am still only in my early 20s, and rationally can determine that I should not force or prompt, but just enjoy being, I am bothered on an obsessive basis by my attraction to other women and my preoccupation with categorizing myself or belonging to some category.
I have been (nearly) exclusively romantically attracted to men, and thus am able to enjoy fulfilling emotional and sexual relationships with them. However, there is constant concern that I am doing something wrong because of a pervasive and distressing attraction to women. On several occasions I have disclosed myself to friends and family as a lesbian or bisexual, but have found myself unwilling to pursue any kind of relationship with women, whether out of fear or some other lack of desire, I don’t know. Instead, I continue to become involved with men, while this “sexual imbalance” or fear manifests within my conscious and intoxicates my daily life. Despite trying to maintain openness and mindfulness, I find this conflict so distressing I have been in therapy and medicated for depression and often battle with suicidal thoughts and feelings.
The men I have been involved with have always known this to be true of me so I don’t feel as though I am doing them any disservice, but I do fear for the future and for long-term commitment. Currently, for example, I am in a relationship with a wonderful man I would love to some day marry but I fear I will have left something of myself in denial and unexplored. How can I start to quiet these anxieties and enjoy the happiness I have? Or is there a way to do so without fully confronting my fears and indulging my (unwelcome) desires? Will this anxiety ever be dissolved or can it only be displaced?
I would VERY much appreciate a response from anyone with insight, wisdom or compassion with regards to these issues,
Thank you kindly!
Ellie
Hi Ellie.
It is obvious, from your post, that you have two forces confronting each other. One that wants to align with your own natural settings, simply discover them, and other that is opposing this, from fear, or fears, like fear from being judged, fear from being different, or simply fear from facing truth about your sexuality.
What happened is that you started to believe in those fears, and they are opposing your natural dynamic of growth. It is important to know that fears are not negative, they are naturally there (as dimension in mind), but problem kicks when we get lost to them.
What is needed now is to find an inner space, in which you may allow those thoughts and fears to arise fully, and just observe them, along with their possible momentum, (which can feel very unpleasant) ,and without judgment -just let them be there, so that they can lose momentum, while you will naturally get connected with insights and conclusions that you need to find, which are required for your present need for growth (aligning with your sexuality)
Hi Lander,
Thanks for your input. Aren’t the challenges we face in life interesting and diverse!
I do think I struggle with a lot of negative momentum- a concept new to me before I discovered this hugely insightful blog. I will continue to search for some inner space and work on non-judgmental observation.
All the best,
Ellie.
Hi Sen,
I was hoping you or anybody could unravel the troubles I am facing in my mind at the moment. I have had anxiety quite consistently for around 3 years now. Since puberty I masturbated fairly frequently as I believed all boys did. I am now late 20s and live with my girlfriend who I have intercourse with roughly once or twice a week. Before we moved in, I masturbated to pornography about 2-3 times a week. I wouldn’t ever say I was addicted to porn or anything, but it has always been nice to watch for obvious reasons. My anxiety last year decided to suddenly jump on this fact and I have somehow convince myself I have or am addicted to pornography/masturbation. It has never affected my day to day activities so it is safe to say I am not an addict, and this is just anxiety playing mind games with me. However, I do have trouble when I am alone. My train of thought if my girlfriend goes out is “what if I watch porn because I am on my own?”, I think think about sex, and porn, and in some cases I find myself looking at it, knowing and trying to convince myself how it is generally quite normal for guys to do this. It happened last night and today I am stuck with the guilt.
Ultimately, I don’t want to watch porn or see porn anymore. I feel since living with my girlfriend and masturbating to porn less, my sexual attractiveness to my partner has increased hugely, so I obviously don’t want this to disappear. I also worry that I am “different” as when I look at porn, I am looking at images of females that have opposite traits to my girlfriend (eg, large breasts) because that is attractive. This makes me feel guilty as I have always liked this about women but my girlfriend doesn’t have this. I feel guilty looking at other women with large breasts, and hence when I worry in have a thought about someone else, the thoughts get more graphic.
Can anyone just confirm to me I am a normal young male with anxiety and nothing else?
Hope there is help
Thanks
Nick, you can start with getting some clarity on the “reality” of things relating to your situation, so that you can be free of deluded thinking and thus be in a better position to make conscious choices towards your preferences. For ex, you seem to have a deluded understanding of sexual attraction and love-based attraction. Relationships (the long-term ones) are built over love-based attraction. Love-based attraction is a package deal which involves finding someone to be compatible with you – emotionally, mentally, spiritually and sexually; compatibility also involves having some “required” differences, which can complement the partner’s weakness, for ex – you may be bad at handling finances, and your partner may be good at it, and this difference actually works as a “compatibility” aspect. Compatibility is a combo of all these aspects, the better the compatibility the more the love-based attraction that’s felt, but there is no such thing as “perfect compatibility” – you can’t find someone who is just “perfect” in all aspects of compatibility, there will be some things missing, there will be some things that are not compatible with your preferences – perfection is not a part of reality, it’s only a part of delusion or fantasy (you can only imagine perfection in your fantasy, everything that is real will always have some limitations). For example, your gf may be compatible with you on many levels (emotional, mentally, spiritually and sexually) and that’s why you find a love-based attraction for her, but she’s not “perfect” in terms of matching all your preferences, and that’s part of reality – just like you are not going to be perfect in matching all her preferences.
A relationship is built over all these aspects of compatibility, which is what I would call a “love-based” attraction. Just because you feel sexually attracted to someone doesn’t mean that you will be compatible with that person, or that you will find a love-based attraction towards that person in real life. Sexual attraction is purely based on finding someone’s body to be arousing, or finding someone’s charisma/personality to be arousing – and you can find a total stranger to be sexually attractive (and may have fantasies about her), it doesn’t mean that you will be compatible with her. So to compare the sexual attraction you feel towards some of the porn stars (based on their bodily sexiness) with the love-based attraction that you feel for your gf is totally deluded in its reasoning and logic.
There is a place for fantasy-based entertainment (like porn), and it has its value in terms of providing enjoyment, as long as one has a balanced approach towards such entertainment. One does need to have a maturity to be able to differentiate between fantasy and reality, and not draw deluded comparisons. The guilt that you feel is quite common among men (and women) who lack an understanding of these aspects of reality, and hence end up having deluded logic/reasoning in their mind, which causes them to have unnecessary hangups/guilts/conflicts/stigmas in themselves.
Thanks for your response Sen,
Completely agree with what you say. How would I go about bringing an end to the deluded thinking then? And more importantly, being confident enough to maintain a balanced approach to the use of porn? One of my deluded fears is losing the balance…
Thanks
Nick, there are no “quick fixes” rather these are just wake-up calls for you to start working towards finding inner freedom, and from this foundation live from a place of conscious balance. A few posts that can give you a better understanding of what I mean by inner freedom and conscious balance are as below
http://www.calmdownmind.com/the-phase-of-release/
http://www.calmdownmind.com/the-foundation-of-openness/
http://www.calmdownmind.com/the-attitude-required-for-inner-freedom/
I wanted to ask how the dynamics of the phase of release is connected with sexual energy?
I start becoming calmer and feel that some part of my mind momentum is already released, but the weird thing is, that my sex drive has decreased even more than before (when I was more anxious) – it’s never been too high, but exactly last ~month when I feel more stable in my emotions and thoughts, libido seem to be lost almost completely… And even when there appears a desire in the psychological level, it doesn’t work “technically” too good anymore, if you understand what I mean… Of course, it provokes several new fears in me (of impotence and fear of not satisfying my girlfriend).
Maybe it’s just another layer of release, so should I just allow these fears? I’m trying it, but still would like to understand this process a bit more… Is it normal that sex drive/functionality can decrease along with decrease of mind momentum? But it should come back later then?
Questioner, the phase of release is not a “fully functional” phase, it’s a transition phase from a place of imbalance/unconsciousness to a place of conscious balance through releasing the past momentum of suppressed energy and accumulated imbalances, and you are bound to feel some deviations from your normal bodily harmony. The phase of release can actually feel “chaotic”, as an inner experience, due to all the past momentum coming up for release – and allowing this inner chaos is required for it to start getting settled into a balance. Also, the body has to adapt to the energy movement created during the phase of release, which can be quite exhausting per se, and this can lead to lesser energy available for sexual involvement, causing a low libido for a while or just a lack of interest in sexual activity – of course, it differs from person to person, how they experience this phase of release. Also, some events are triggered purely to allow you to face up to certain fears within you, and to allow for a dissolution of egoic strong holds – the deal is to allow the fears, that get unearthed, in a state of openness, without getting hooked into the fear. This openness is what keeps growing into inner freedom.
I’ve also read somewhere that suppressed/repressed emotions (for ex: commonly suppressed anger/fear) will try to release its way out of ur body. and unconsciously you release it sexually. ppl whove suppressed anger may have high sex drive due to accumulated energy.
Sen, What are your thoughts of fear of sex or a sexual phobia?
Janice, all fear-based behaviors (that feel limiting or debilitating) stem from a lack of awareness/understanding (or being lost to deluded thinking, or unreasonable perspectives) or lack of “openness” in your being where you feel like a prisoner to the mental/emotional forces acting in you. In fact, in most cases, it’s both – a lack of awareness and a lack of openness. Your fears are your “wake-up call” (you can read this post – Heeding your wake up call) and thus are an invitation/catalyst towards growing in awareness and finding conscious inner freedom/balance. This blog is all about explaining the dynamics of this journey towards inner balance and aspects involved in living from this place of balance.
To cite your specific example regarding fear of sex, you will notice that you have certain thoughts that give you a “reason” for this fear, such as
– What if I end up getting pregnant
– What if I get a disease
– What if it’s painful
– What if I end up feeling awkward or embarassed
– What if I am judged by my partner
You may have your own versions of these thoughts that give you a “reason” to fear sex – and some of these thoughts may be “realistic” and some of these thoughts may be rooted in “delusion”. Understanding about sex can help you get rid of “deluded thinking”, and allow you to be realistic in your fears – this is what it means to grow in awareness/understanding regarding reality, so that you are not lost to delusional thinking. Also, an understanding about the reality of life is that everything in life has its own limitations, risks and consequences, and we need to take action based on making a conscious choices in full awareness of these limitations/consequences – this is part of objective living. For ex, if I choose to go for a 9 to 5 job for some benefits it provides like social interaction, a monthly pay-check, a sense of stability, I do it in full awareness of the fact that it will curb on my independence, it will curb on my creativity and my ability to invest time in my own business – every reality has some light nature and some dark nature, this is the truth about life which is unavoidable, and one has to make decisions based on cognizance of the light and dark aspects of a reality. We have a desire for exploration and experience, and we need to stay true to this desire, while also understanding that this exploration will have some consequences which will also need to be taken in the stride.
However, the awareness/understanding by itself may not allow you to start acting from a place of wisdom and balance – you will also need the ability to have inner freedom from the pull of the emotional/mental momentum of fear (or any other emotion that acts as a resistance to your desire for exploration/experience/expression). To develop this inner freedom you will have to develop the mindset of “allowing” these emotional/mental momentum of fear to arise in you, without trying to suppress it (this includes not trying to contradict it, or trying to find assurances against it), and without getting totally identified with it (in the sense of losing yourself to the pull) – this is what I call the state of conscious openness/allowing, and it’s an “inner work” of allowing all these emotions/thought to arise freely. In this state of conscious openness the momentum of emotional/mental force of fear will start ebbing away, with time, and thus their pull will no longer have an “intensity” – this is how you start finding an inner freedom from this pull. This combination of inner freedom and realistic thinking is what will act as a foundation to allow you explore/experience/express what you desire for yourself.
You can read the post – The phase of release, to get an idea of what it means to find inner freedom, and you can read the posts – Being objective and Seeing through deluded thinking, to get an idea of what it means to have realistic thinking.
hi Janice.
I know of 2 other females who have the same phobia. They are both “unhappily” married because of this fear. So, it is not as uncommon, as you be think.
Stay with what Sen is saying and you will be able to overcome this phobia. Just be open to fear and you will you will see phobia dissolving.
The reason I pinged you is because the females I know, felt very isolated and felt they were weird to feel that way. If you harbor such feelings, be advised there are other people in same boat as you.
Thanks,
Thank you for replying, Sen. I am not sure if your reply has given me more clarity or confusion, as my perspective is you seem to be almost advocating experimentation with someone else in a relationship. If it were an open relationship, that’s a different story, and while that is not my preference now, I understand it may change in the future.
I know that “cheating” is a very black and white term, as you could consider finding a heart connection with someone else “cheating”, even if there was no physical intimacy. I don’t understand how in a monogamous relationship, the girl going off with another girl just to “try it out” can’t be blamed. Either way, the resistance towards these thoughts pisses me off, I don’t want to be rigid in my thinking towards anything.
Something else I’ve wondered for quite a while: If you were resistance free in your being, as per the law of attraction, wouldn’t you not attract a cheater into your life anyways? The people with a lot of inner negativity seem to attract the unfaithful, so why an aligned person would, is unclear to me.
Michael, immaturity is simply a mindset that doesn’t want to sync up with reality. The reality is that people have the right to follow their choices and preferences, no one is indebted/obliged to you to do what you wish of them, in that sense it’s totally immature to blame someone for living their choices just because they did not match up to your expectations. All you can do is try to find someone who naturally matches your preferences, that’s about the best you can do, and if you mess up and end up with the “wrong” person (person who’s not right for you) your only choice is to let go and move on, and do better next time – to blame/resent this person for not meeting your expectation is immature and childish, you can’t control how others want to live.
To feel “cheated” is a perspective, and it’s a perspective rooted in a form of imbalanced thinking. Usually people with a victim mindset are always feeling cheated, they are almost certain that they will get cheated and thus find evidences to support their thinking. Like I said, you can’t blame someone for their choices, people have the right to live their lives the way they want to, they have the right to make their mistakes, they have the right to experiment, they have the right to explore – just like you would like reserve the right to your independence and wouldn’t like someone controlling your choices. If your girlfriend found you to be boring and made the choice to hang out with some other guy who she found more interesting, it’s her choice, and she has every right to follow it, even if she was immature enough to not be upfront about it (perhaps because she was afraid of your reaction) – the fact remains that she did what she thought was best for her, that’s what we all do, we are all inherently selfish in the sense that we look out for ourselves, some of us may not have the integrity to be forthright but that’s again just a personal deal depending on that person’s level of awareness and maturity. She was not trying to cheat you, she was trying to do what was best for her, it’s just that you were involved in the mix and you felt “cheated” based on the way you viewed the situation – so feeling cheated is a perception that we can create for ourselves. Instead, you could simply see that she made a choice, and this choice conflicts with your preference and hence you now have the choice to let go of her and move on – to blame, rant, resent, complain and wallow in self-pity of dwelling on your victim-mindset, serves no useful purpose, it’s a waste of energy and it’s just immature.
I am not advocating the behavior of doing something in the hiding when it’s directly going to affect your partner – it’s a behavior that lacks integrity and people who choose to do so are immature in their own way, however their actions are being driven by their immaturity and in their level of awareness/maturity that’s the best they could do, and they will deal with the consequences of their immaturity eventually. It’s just that you are not here to police others, unless they commit a criminal offence, in which case a forced control is needed. Your deal should be to try and find people who are compatible with your preferences, that’s the best you can do – but you can’t force someone to meet your preference if they don’t want to. If someone doesn’t meet your preference you have the choice to let go of the person, and find someone else, but the whole behavior of living a victim-mindset (rooted in blaming, resenting and self-pitying) is just an indication of immaturity, and is a wake-up call towards growth.
Wow, Sen, you point of view, way of thinking is very transparent, formless, very open. Michael, Sen’s answer resonates with me, everyone has their own preferences, even me and you. Cheating is just one of the perspective, mindset, it’s like a problem is not a problem, it’s just a matter of perception.
Every information that we get from media, people, family, friends, is perceived by our mind, brain, and ego. And what kind of perception will it come out as, is depend on the state of our brain, mind, and ego. If it’s full of negativity, so will the perception, if it’s full of love, joy, and peace, and the perception will also contain love, joy and peace, there will be no doubt, judgement, suspicion, hatred, etc. The whole thing can be concluded into 1 word, openness. This is my point of view.
Regards
Mark
Mark, a perception imbalanced towards love, joy and peace can end up being biased and unrealistic also, in which you may simply be rooted towards wanting to have a light-natured interpretation to everything and this may stem from the fear of facing some dark natured aspects in you or in others. What’s required is an openness to have a balanced perspective, for example, the situation of when your partner ends up having an affair outside the relationship, the mindset of blame is immature when you see that she did it from her individual preference, but you may also be required to have the openness/wisdom to see that the relationship may no longer work out for you (possibly there were too many incompatibilities which lead her towards having an affair outside it or may be there were some elements of immaturity in her) and take a stand towards moving on, instead of trying to give a light-natured interpretation to the whole thing and be stuck in an unrealistic delusion about her.
Sen, I need your advice please. I don’t normally respond to posts like this, but I think you can help me. I have been battling with myself in my head over and over again.—When I am with a woman I feel great about myself, and I fantasize about having sex with women. I am always on the look out for hot chicks, because they’ve always turned me on and made me feel good inside. Also I only jackoff to straight porn and lesbian porn. But lately I have been having intrusive thoughts about having sexual relations with a man. Almost like I have developed an unwanted curiosity.—The fact is that if I were gay I would want to be okay with myself, but it does not sit well with me at all. It’s bad to the point that I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night just to escape bad dreams in which, somehow I end up in a situation where I acted on impulse and had sex with a man. This leaves me with a feeling of disgust, regret, fear, and a feeling of being violated. These feelings are powerful and strike at somewhat random times. For example, I could be hanging out with a group of all guys doing normal guy shit (playing video games, talking, smoking, drinking) then something triggers these unwanted thoughts and mixed/complicated/confusing/distressful emotions. Another scenario would be; me by myself just driving down the road as I see a hot chick, this makes me think about how I haven’t had a girlfriend or sex for that matter. Then naturally this thought makes me think of all the reasons why I haven’t had a girlfriend or sex yet, and that’s when the intrusive thoughts start happening. It gives me a lot of anxiety to say the least. I just want to feel in balance again. I really don’t want to experiment with a man AT ALL. I don’t think that I’m gay. I just want to be able to understand what I am dealing with here so I can learn to cope, or maybe even get rid of this reoccurring problem altogether.— I’ve been doing a lot of research on this and I think you could help me.You should know these thoughts are more likely to be triggered while I’m under the influence of a drug (ex: alcohol, weed). I appreciate you taking the time to read this Sen. THANKS!!!
Alex – I’ve experienced those type of thoughts as well, they happened a long time ago, so I can’t fully remember them, they probably had something to do with men, even though I too am like you as in “EWWW I’m not gay or bisexual, that’s gross” (gross as in preference, not as in it is universally gross)
Don’t expect or believe that your mind brings up 100% fact, it’s mainly gibberish that gets fueled by your rejection or repulsion of it. So if a thought of “I want to screw a man” or something of that nature, just let it be there instead of getting all defensive and running from it. Doing that doesn’t mean that you are accepting the possibility of the thought, it just means that it won’t get fueled anymore.
Since reading this blog over the past 4 or so months, I’ve changed my stance on sexuality. Even if those thoughts in your head were true, it wouldn’t make you gay, per se. Just like occasionally I think about transsexuals (only the highly passable ones, which are called “traps”). Whether or not that is something I will explore, I don’t really know, but it doesn’t make me gay. The interest in “traps” is mainly because it’s thought of as weird or forbidden, just like how fetishes towards something like latex or domination work.
Just don’t look at sexuality as some black and white realm, because it’s not. If for example, you liked a female dominant and you were a submissive, that doesn’t make you “weak” or “spineless”, it’s just a sexual preference.
I may have gone off on a tangent, but just realize that the thoughts are just random spewings of the mind and nothing more. Your interest and attention don’t make them true, they just make them stronger. So cut the attention and interest and the thoughts will lose their hold.
Hi Alex,
Sen has discussed the same problem in this post “http://www.calmdownmind.com/an-example-of-dissolving-a-fear-through-allowing/”
Sen,
I have such a difficult time accepting my girlfriends sexual past as ridiculous as it sounds. We have been together for 2 years & for more than half of that time my mind is constantly projecting images, movies, thoughts etc about her past, who she’s been with & what all she’s done. I’m completely aware of how this is not real, only thoughts in my mind. But sometimes I feel so weak & powerless to them & it truly eats me up on the inside. Not only does it do that, but it’s not fair to the woman that I’m supposed to love. I understand that her past is her past & it does not matter but something needs to be done for my sake & sanity. This is a consistent problem & it’s the only thing blocking me from truly loving her unconditionally. I’m at the point of being aware & allowing, but now I’m looking for a release! I have talked to her about it & I just came out in brutal honestly & told her how I felt, what was bothering me. I’m her 21st partner & she’s 24 years old. It’s so hard to grasp that because I get jealous & insecure. My ego just kicks in & it really damages everything. It’s corrupted my “image” of her & it feels so hard to release this negativity TRULY. I do love her & wish to continue the relationship but I just don’t know what else to do. For months I’ve been trying to overcome this & release it but I am missing something. Constant images of her sleeping with other men in different positions, giving oral sex & just simply enjoying it! What am I supposed to do? Is this natural to feel this way & can I TRULY overcome this for the better? I really want some help & answers because I just can’t keep doing this to her or myself. Please enlighten me on the truth here.
Blaine,
You say “enlighten me on the truth here”. If truth is what is really wanted, you can see that you already have the truth from what your gf has told you. There is no way to try and escape this truth that she has talked about (her sexual history). Perhaps you keep thinking about these things that she has done as an attempt to find some answer that won’t hurt (such as picturing what she has done in an attempt to get over it or find a solution). Mind cannot do this, you cannot and will not be able to think your way out what she has told you. What is needed is to allow the pain that you feel from her (knowing that you can’t out think it), allow the “image” of her that comes from these thoughts and images (it may be like seeing her as a s*ut in a negative way as you mentioned). Basically, with the willingness to allow everything that she has told you and to allow what is going on inside you as it is you will find it will naturally start to go away without having to force it. It may not seem like it at first or immediately but eventually and more and more overtime you will start to notice you will no longer focus on it as much.
A good example of this is, say a thought or fear about her comes up, and it builds up until you get an image of her loving giving oral sex. You allow the image, the pain you feel, the hurt, everything. If a judgement comes up such a “she is a s*ut” allow that too, don’t try to fight it or push it away. Even if you got lost to the thought for a while allow yourself the freedom to be lost to it. I understand it’s tough to get used to at first, but again after some time you will notice how this works. You may find it necessary in the beginning depending on how strong the pull of your mind is to find space to allow all these things (through, meditation, aware sitting, relaxation exercises, inquiry, etc.).
Hope this helps,
Tyler
You can read these two articles for an explanation on the obsessive thoughts you describe and what forgiveness really means (basically there is a natural forgiveness when you understand to allow the pain and hurt and images, etc within you).
http://www.calmdownmind.com/overcoming-obsessive-thoughts/
http://www.calmdownmind.com/a-perspective-on-forgiveness/
Sen,
I’m 50-year-old man who has been going through life with terrible hang ups about sex. Married with 3 kids, wonderful wife, but my whole life I’ve been scared of sex/intimacy. Love the idea of sex, of being sexual, but I close up in avoidance when it comes up. I’ve had concerns that I’m asexual, but I am definitely attracted to women, and my instinct is to want to get physically close to them. I’ve gone through life as a classic pleaser, and I know how much I need and want to chsnge that, but I’m not sure where to turn. Is it possible to discover my masculine sexual energy after all these years of repression and unhappiness with my sex life?
Disregard my previous comment from months ago. I’m wiser and everything is solved now. All answers are within. Thank you.
Hello!
Thank you very much Sen for making this website. It has helped me tremendously.
I have been releasing since the beginning of August, and I’ve experienced moments of bliss as well as intense emotional pain, with high momentum. I can feel that the release is working the way its supposed to. Yet I have a question. After sexual intercourse/masturbation I get a lot of emotional pain, feelings of insecurity and negative thoughts (momentum goes crazy). Basically, it feels as if the release gets really intense during this time (the following 1-2 days after orgasm). I don’t know wether or not I am actually fueling the negativity by doing this, and even though its painful just continue to involve myself in these activities and see it as part of the release. Or maybe I should abstain from it until I feel more stable in myself. Does anyone else share my experience?
I am imbalanced in the fear dimension, and in the past I have suffered from a dense negative ego. Therefore I have a big accumulation of fear/guilt/feelings of inferiority stored up that is always present in some way, yet its being released little by little.
Thank you
Alex, for some people the dimension of sexuality can be a source of guilt, confusion and fear (sometimes an unknown fear of being punished for the pleasure), and the state of “relaxation” (that one naturally falls into during an orgasm or sexual activity) does put you in a deep state of allowing (in that moment) and thus becomes an opening for a release (of deeper emotions and mind momentum). Eventually, if there is momentum to be released it will come up for release, and there is no way around it, in that you have to go through the layers of suppressed energy/momentum until they are fully released (even when they feel deeply uncomfortable as they arise). When these feelings/thoughts (of pain, insecurity and negativity) arise after an orgasm, just allow them to ride out, don’t enter into a mode of judging their rightness or wrongness, just let them be, let the momentum come up the way it wants to. Over time, as you continue to be in this state of openness, you will sense this momentum reducing and eventually there will be no real momentum to it.
Thanks a lot for your response Sen, highly appreciated.