Going Through the Layers of Release

Posted on by Sen.



Becoming grounded in the state of stability requires a release of the imbalanced force of all the “influences” that are present in our being. If I have to categorize the primary influences, it would be – love, hatred, joy, fear, boredom and sexuality, basically the six modes/flavors of thought and emotion. An influence becomes an “imbalance force” when you either try to suppress it or you get over-identified with it. Suppression and over-identification are the only two causes of any form of imbalance. A state of stability is when you are not suppressive towards any of these primary influences, neither do you get over-identified with them to the point of being a prisoner to their force. When you release the imbalanced force of all these influences, then you can work purely from the state of wisdom, and this way of functioning is the hallmark of the state of stability (other words I use to describe the state of stability are “inner balance” or wholeness). The journey towards finding stability is a phase of evolution in a being, and if you feel that you are being called upon to venture upon this journey then you would be served by having a better understanding of what’s involved in this journey.

First of all it’s important to understand that not everyone present on Earth, currently, is required to go through this journey – it takes a certain evolution of the soul/being before it’s ready for this kind of a journey and so it’s not a “requirement” for everyone. Different souls/beings have different journeys based on their soul-age, their growth requirements, their choice of experience and the collective requirement. Also, the journey towards finding the state of stability is not some “higher journey” from an absolute perspective, it’s just a part of the natural evolution of a soul, and hence it’s not something extra-ordinary from an absolute perspective – just like one cannot say that adulthood is better/higher than childhood, because childhood has its own flavor and adulthood has its own flavor, the sense of betterment is only a “relative standpoint” not an absolute standpoint.

Of course, there are many beings, on Earth, who’ve already gone through this journey of finding stability (in their past), and they are the ones who you might observe to have a “natural flair” for being stable; you may observe some kids who are just born with a sense of stability and adults who seem to develop an instinctual sense of balance without needing any understanding – so, it’s not some new phenomenon, it’s just that there seems to be call towards a general increase in the awareness on Earth currently, and a lot of human beings seem to be going through this journey of finding conscious stability. Quite possibly, you could be on this journey for several life-times, dealing with gaining freedom from imbalances towards each of the primary influences, one at a time, and this lifetime could be just another an opportunity to find a real stability or it could be a part of getting there.

The cause of imbalance

I don’t find any real merit in trying to understand the cause of an imbalance, it’s far more prudent to simply use your awareness towards acknowledging that a certain imbalance is present and then start working towards finding a release from its influence. People seem to spend way too much time, energy and effort, in trying to understand their past, in trying to analyze their past, trying to understand why a certain imbalance got created – this form of investigation may have some relative value in terms of creating some understanding/awareness of past behavior, however, it’s mostly pointless because the imbalance is “present” and you may as well start working on releasing the imbalance rather than analyzing why, how, where and when, it got created – if such an investigation pikes your curiosity, and interest, then you can have at it, but it’s not a requirement towards releasing an imbalance.

From an absolute perspective the state of imbalance is not a “mistake”, it’s creation as per design in order to have the experience of finding conscious balance and to have the various experiences created as a part of this journey. The fact is that you cannot truly be balanced until you find balance “consciously”, and to find a conscious balance one has to go through the phase of being imbalanced. The journey towards finding balance, starting from a state of imbalance, causes you to learn about all the dynamics involved in finding balance, and hence brings a certain “knowing” in your being – this learning becomes embedded in your being and hence you no longer fall back into a state of imbalance, irrespective of the external influences. On the other hand, if you are “unconsciously balanced” it would just take some external influence for you to lose your sense of balance and get identified with the influence to the point of creating an imbalance, mostly because you’ve not learnt to maintain a conscious balance in the face of external influences.

As I mentioned earlier, one doesn’t necessarily have to investigate the why, how, where and when, of the cause of imbalance. It suffices to realize that the root cause, of the state of identification with imbalance, is the lack of awareness, or a “low awareness state”. For example, one can say that the original human bodies, of different races, created on Earth, were lacking (or were engineered into lacking) a brain/heart, or DNA structure, that was conducive to state of higher awareness and souls (the low-awareness ones) that incarnated into these bodies took over the imbalances, and in turn re-fed the imbalances into the body, thus creating a cycle of soul and body perpetuation of imbalance – this is just one scenario of how imbalance can gather momentum. The being/soul, that we are, needs to grow in awareness and connect with the state of balance, and from this stand-point establish/manifest a balance in the human body – it’s has been scientifically illustrated that the brain’s chemistry tends to change when one brings a conscious awareness to it, physicality can be balanced once we develop a sense of balance as a being. Again, the causes imbalance are really not important, and eventually are just open to conjectures. The bottom-line is that if you’ve become aware of the presence of imbalance, and the suffering created by it, then it inevitably becomes a call for you to move towards the journey of finding the state of stability.

Rest of the post discusses the dynamics involved in releasing the imbalanced force of each of the primary influences.

Releasing the imbalanced influence of love

Love is felt as a feeling of connection. There is an inherent desire to express love, and to experience love, as a part of our nature as a being of life-energy. When love is suppressed, or when love is not felt/experienced, there is bound to be a feeling of emptiness, which is painful. You can either start trying to suppress this pain by numbing yourself in some way or you might end up expressing this pain into something destructive, like causing pain/hurt to other people (like a retaliation, to make others feel the pain that you feel). You can notice this behavior in kids who are brought in “unloving” households, they either become very needy, and weak, because of this deep sense of emptiness in them, or they become very cold, and sadistic, expressing their pain through inflicting pain. This doesn’t mean that kids who come from “loving” households are immune to the imbalanced influence of love – for example, you may grow up and feel attracted to someone who does not reciprocate your love, you can enter into a state of imbalance where you start feeling helpless to your attraction (and the fact that you did not get to face a lot of dark nature as a kid, causes you to be unprepared for dealing with such a pain). The force of imbalance becomes a self-feeding cycle, because imbalance once created continues to create further imbalance unless once consciously lets go of its pull – For example, a person who feels needy just keep attracting circumstances that make him/her feel more needy , and it feels like an unending loop.

To love, and to be loved, is a basic need/desire in all beings, there is nothing wrong with this need. However, if you are not conscious of this influence, and you are not stable enough to deal with its force, when this need (for love) is not met, there is a sense of desperation that starts creeping in, and this desperation is what I call “neediness” – the pain created by this “unfulfilled” need can also channel into hatred; you can notice how people who can’t deal with the pain of being unloved, or pain of losing love, can enter into anger/rage quite easily (evident in break-up situations, when someone breaks up with you, your love can turn into anger/hatred towards that person in a moment). You can also see how people can enter into dysfunctional behaviors from their need for attention, and their need to be feel accepted and approved of, which are mostly forms of needing love. If the influence of love is not consciously dealt with, it has the potential to turn into a deeply destructive force.

In order to find balance towards the influence of love, you would have to find a balance between your nature of desiring love and the openness to be without love, openness to the absence of love. It’s not about suppressing your desire for love but it’s about having the ability to be open towards the pain of being without love. If you can’t be open to the pain/emptiness of the absence of love, you are bound to enter into the imbalanced influence of this force. You develop this openness through the state of allowing, where you allow yourself to experience the pain (of love’s absence) without trying to suppress it or looking for a way to escape it through some temporary fix. A lot of people suppress their desire for love because they don’t want to feel the pain of being rejected, or being abandoned – this form of suppression can feel like a temporary relief, but sooner or later it becomes a destructive force taking the shape of physical and emotional dysfunction.

Life is a dynamic force, which is constantly in movement, and nothing is static. Everything is bound to change, which means that, sooner or later, you are bound to lose someone/something that was close to you. Also, there are bound to be moments when there is an absence of love, and these moments can be short or long depending on personal and collective circumstances. Hence dealing with the influence of love, in a conscious manner, is important towards retaining a sense of stability instead of getting into a cycle of dysfunctional behavior. Sometimes, as a soul, you may choose a certain lifetime (or a period in a certain lifetime) where you go through a phase where there is an absence of love, possibly an alone-ness or isolation, created by the circumstances, which inevitably give you an opportunity to consciously deal with the pain of it, as part of finding growth towards the state of conscious stability. Of course, when you are living the situation, and going through the pain, the unconscious reaction is to either suppress the pain or get over-identified with it in a destructive manner, and it can take a while (sometimes a few lifetimes) of dealing with such a situation before one gains the awareness to stop repeating the dysfunctional behavior. The journey of growth is not always enjoyable, in fact, in most cases, growth involves some aspect of dealing with pain.

Releasing the imbalanced influence of hatred

Hatred is also a natural part of our thinking (the dark natured part), and it can have a variety of expressions ranging from dislike, irritation, bitterness, resentment and various forms of rage. A lot of people, especially in the spiritual circles, tend to imagine that hatred is something they can totally get rid of, and that they can become “all loving”, however, there is nothing more delusional than this form of thinking and it lends itself to various forms of suppression and unnatural behaviors – such a goal is unrealistic because you can’t really change the nature of your mind, and the dimension of hatred is a natural/normal part of your mind as a being of life-energy. Hatred is a dark nature aspect of life-energy, but it’s not really “negative” unless it becomes imbalanced (just like how love can be negative if it becomes imbalanced).

When you try to suppress thoughts of hatred, or when you end up judging yourself negatively for having such thoughts, you end up trying to fight this normal/natural dark nature aspect in your mind. Trying to suppress hatred, within you, is the surest way to a strong momentum of hatred – you can notice how people who try to be overly sweet can suddenly snap, out of blue, under some stressful situation. Before you can bring a balance to the influence of hatred, it’s important to first accept this dark natured aspect of your mind; it’s just a part of your nature and it’s not something you can get rid of. If you’ve been suppressing a lot of hatred within you, or if you’ve been deeply judgmental about yourself (feeling guilty), for having thoughts of hatred, it’s bound to have created a strong momentum of imbalanced dark energy within you. In order to release all this suppressed energy of hatred you will have to open up to allowing this energy to come up fully – when this imbalanced energy comes up it can take the form of sudden outbursts of anger, hateful/resentful thoughts and violent imagery in the mind. You don’t have to get identified with these movements in you, just let them arise freely, in a state of openness, without judgment, until they run out of momentum – just remember that the “intensity” comes from the accumulated momentum created by your past suppression, and hatred by itself is not a negative energy until it becomes imbalanced. If you constantly judge “hatred” as a negative force, you will continue to keep suppressing it and create an imbalance within you.

Getting over-identified with hatred, leads to an imbalance of its own. Holding onto thoughts of resentment, bitterness, vengeance, retaliation, unfairness or spite, just leads to an over-identification with hatred in oneself causing it to become an imbalanced force. A balanced form of hatred does not create suffering for you, or for the outside, it just assists you in understanding your preferences, and in fact gives you a certain power (like the ability to say no when you want to say no). An imbalanced form of hatred creates internal and external suffering, and basically any imbalance that you put out there is bound to get reflected back on to you – you can call it karmic reaction, law of attraction or the simple truth that life is just one energy and so what you do unto the outside eventually gets done unto you, because the outside is the inside. Vengeance and retaliation don’t serve any value because you will be perpetuating the cycle of imbalanced hatred. Use your awareness to observe any form of over-identification that you may have towards aspects of hatred, don’t judge them but just let go of your “clinging” towards their force in you – whenever the pattern arises, just observe it and let it be, don’t fuel it with judgment or involvement. The force can be strong, owing to past-momentum, and it can take a while before you see its pull ebbing away; during this time there may be moments when you feel that you are “taken over” by the pull and this is fine, don’t feel guilty about it.

In a state of balance, sometimes you may have to take some aggressive stand (a stand which pertains to creating lesser of the two evils), when you see that there is no other option, but internally your stand does not come from a place of imbalanced hatred, it just comes from a place of wisdom – to take such a stand you need to have a balanced connection with this dimension of hatred, it’s an idealistic thinking to imagine that love alone can bring balance, sometimes one has to use power. To have a balanced connection with the influence of hatred gives you this sense of power.

Releasing the imbalanced influence of joy

We are usually sold this idea of “permanent joy” as some goal to reach at some point in the future. Some people try to find this state of permanent joy through physicality, like trying to get fame, money or attention, while some try to find it through spirituality, through ideas of enlightenment or Nirvana – there is no difference between both these mindsets because they are both deluded in their own way, each trying to find a state of “permanence” which does not exist in life’s reality. Joy is just one aspect of our mind, just one aspect of experience, it’s not an ultimate experience neither is it superior to other experiences from an absolute perspective. In fact, for the very experience of joy you need the contrast of the absence of joy (like boredom, hatred or fear), and hence joy cannot be a permanent state, it’s just one of the states of the mind. There is nothing wrong with desiring the experience of joy, but if it creates an attitude where you suppress the other expressions/experiences you will end up in an imbalance eventually – just like how a druggie ends up degrading his/her body constantly craving the next high.

People who are too focused on joy, or over-identified with joy, are highly unstable – you cannot expect such people to be organized, responsible or committed. Their motivation is always towards the next high and hence everything/everyone becomes a filler to manipulate towards reaching the next high. Sometimes the over-excited persona is labeled as being “full of life”, which is actually quite a misplaced label because such a person is mostly just avoiding a large part of life and is simply clinging to the one dimension of joy alone. Also, the state of over-excitement is never conducive to wisdom and the extreme high is always followed by an equivalence of low. An obsession with joy can cause the mind to lose its ability to focus, which basically makes you inept towards getting any meaningful work done, which means you can’t really make any useful contribution, which means that you basically become a leech who is just obsessed with consumption. Passion has to be tempered with aspects like dedication, patience and focus, in order to allow for any real productivity. There are many people who have a passion, for their talent, but they are not able to channel it into productivity, and eventually they live far below their true potential.

On the other hand, the tendency to “suppress” joy arises from a mindset that’s rooted in fear, bitterness or conservative thinking. The whole idea of trying to deny yourself pleasure, and treating it as some “virtue”, is rooted in a fear-based thinking – if you feel guilty about being true to your pleasure, it could well be stemming from some fear-based conditioning that you are holding onto. Also, the mindset of painting everything in a negative light, and constantly complaining about life, stems from an attitude of bitterness which leads to inner toxicity – getting identified with this mindset leads to an imbalanced momentum of hatred which then takes over as the predominant influence in one’s life. Conservative thinking is just an aspect of a lack of being open-minded towards the diverse expressions of life, there is nothing wrong with holding certain values, or living life by a certain set of principles, but one has to make an aware inspection of whether these choices stem from a certain rigidity, inflexibility and intolerance to various modes of living – in fact, a lot of conservative thinking stems from a place of fear rather than adherence to values/principles. If you are constantly regarded as a “kill joy” by people around you, it could be an indication that you are identified with close-mindedness or are prone to a suppression of joy from a place of fear/hatred.

Finding a balance towards joy, by releasing its imbalanced force, can be very challenging because the “light-nature” aspect of joy can easily be made into an excuse to over-indulge in it or the fear of the dark-natured consequences of pleasure can become the reason for suppression. If you’ve been over-identified with joy, then as a part of release (the “fierce grace” aspect of the intelligence of your life-stream) you may feel subjected to some situation where you have no choice but to deal with the absence of joy so that you can find freedom from its influence – the mind can feel very desolate, depressed or “stuck”, during this phase, and can come up with several negative interpretations (including feeling suicidal). If you’ve been suppressing joy then as a part of the release-process (as you start letting-go of your rigid control) you may feel surges of joy-energy coming up in you and may feel inspired towards connecting with expressions relating to entertainment, relaxation and revelry, and for a while it may feel like you are over-indulging in joy but this is just a compensating mechanism to balance out the past-momentum of suppression.

Releasing the imbalanced influence of fear

The influence of fear is a strong force, especially for a physical being, who is in a survival mode – however, fear is not just about “physical survival” but also about “psychological survival”. To feel fearful of being judged by other people is an example of how we try to protect our psychological identity, or ego, from being hurt or dented. Of course, fear is a normal/natural part of our mind and it’s not about trying to get rid of the dimension of fear but about developing the openness towards working with it and integrating it from a place of wisdom. In most cases, the unconscious tendency is to be opposed to the presence of fear, what I call “fearing the presence of fear”, and this is mostly because of the way it makes you feel – fear has to be the most uncomfortable emotion to deal with because its natural movement is towards “contraction” as a means of protection, and this movement of contraction when manifested in a physical body can feel physically painful, suffocating and dysfunctional (for example, intense nervousness can cause the gut to contract to a point where you feel paralyzed or nauseous). It’s very normal to push away from fear because of this nature of “discomfort” that it creates, however this very resistance to fear is what creates the imbalanced momentum of fear which eventually end ups creating a situation where you are constantly feeling a surge of fear-energy coursing through you.

It really doesn’t matter what type of fear-based thought is haunting you – the fear of uncertainty, fear of abandonment, fear of survival (like fear of flying or fear of closed spaces) and fear of judgment are some broad categories into which your specific fears can fit into. And, irrespective of which category your fear belongs to, the bottom line is that the only reason why you feel dysfunctional towards fear is because you are resisting fear instead of being open to allowing it. The moment you open up towards allowing the energy of fear in you, without any form of resistance, there will be a release of all the imbalanced momentum, of fear, gathered over the past, and you will reach a place where fear no longer has an “intensity” in you – it just becomes a mode of thinking that’s present but is no longer a factor that makes you feel crippled. Openness to fear requires you to be open to the feeling of “contraction” that fear produces, to no longer resist it, to no longer look for a solution to get rid of it, to no longer cling to distractions in a bid to avoid it – you will continue to fuel the momentum of fear if you keep resisting its presence in you. Stop trying to look for a solution to get rid of fear, rather just become open to allowing fear in you, it’s not a “technique” to find an escape from fear rather it’s a pointer towards the attitude of openness.

People have the tendency to use various “mechanism” as a bid to find pseudo-security, or a temporary protection from facing an inner fear. These mechanisms actually don’t serve any value and indirectly becomes the fuel for the very fear that you are trying to get rid of. Some common mechanisms that people use include trying to hold on to some beliefs (finding security in beliefs), trying to silence the mind (using all forms of mind techniques including suppressive meditation, or using mind numbing chemicals or just various forms of distraction) or trying to isolated oneself from living (detachment). Detachment, distraction and pseudo-security mechanisms can temporarily shield you from facing your fears, but sooner or later you will have to inevitably face the same, and the longer you delay it the more momentum that gets built owing to the suppression. There are no quick fixes, there are no magical fixes, and there are no unconscious means to finding freedom from fear, the only way towards releasing the imbalanced influence of fear is to connect with a “conscious openness” towards fear.

Releasing the imbalanced influence of boredom

Life is a dynamic force, movement is an inherent part of living, and being “static” is an unnatural state which will get challenged by the natural movement of life towards growth. However, the period of rest, recuperation, non-activity/peace is an inherent, and required, part of this “movement” of life – there is a difference between “being static” and being rested, the former is a mindset of resisting change, the latter is just a requirement towards being ready for change/movement. If you are not well rested you cannot be truly powerful in your movement. People who are imbalanced towards the need for “activity” can get restless, and start avoiding the natural need for a space of non-activity, and eventually they enter into a period of burn-out where they might feel forced into in-activity in a dysfunctional manner. There are various reasons why one can get imbalanced towards activity, some common ones are – a sense of unworthiness about being non-productive, fear of facing some inner turmoil (using activity as a distraction), a deluded view towards ambition/achievements and a lack of self-love (guilt towards pleasing oneself, thus avoiding relaxation).

On the other hand, there are cases where people become overly identified with boredom translating into expressions of lethargy, hum-drum and a blasé outlook towards living. In “spiritual circles” it’s quite common for people to use some pointers like “life is inherently meaningless”, “nothing matters in the end”, “there is no end to reach” etc, as some excuse towards lethargy and non-activity – the value of these pointers is towards giving a balanced outlook to someone who has a deluded view towards activity, it’s not meant to be taken as some excuse towards inactivity. The very nature of life is towards movement, and dynamism, and hence an imposed attitude of lethargy is bound to create an internal “pressure” that’s felt as constant sense of “something’s missing” – you cannot hope to find some “static peace” through detachment from living, such states of peace are simply short-lived experiences that soon give way to the natural sense that you need to be doing something. It gets deeply dysfunctional when the natural impulse towards action is suppressed by some misconstrued spiritual view-point like “I should do nothing, I should just sit in a state of surrender” – the pointer of surrender is not meant to be a pointer towards inaction, rather it’s supposed to taken from a perspective of balance where you are asked to be open to allowing what arises in the moment instead of living in resistance.

If you have been over-indulging in activity, and are using activity as some form of distraction from facing your inner-turmoil, or if your constant preoccupation is causing you to be rooted in a state of “low-awareness”, you can be certain that during the phase of release you will be moved into a situation where you feel a sense of “forced inactivity”, where your distractions no longer work (or are no longer available), and you are placed in a situation where you don’t feel any motivation towards activity (you may feel a lack of meaning towards everything). Instead of resisting this phase, and feeling afraid that you are entering into some permanent dysfunction, just become allowing of this state fully – it can bring up a lot of your fears, it can bring up a lot of restlessness and irritation, it can bring up a sense of meaninglessness, but eventually it’s all just a part of the reinforcement of balance which you’ve been suppressing all along. On the other hand, if you’ve been over-identified with lethargy, you may feel a push towards getting involved with life (sometimes through “fierce grace”) where you can no longer hide in your cave of detachment – this push can unearth several fears and resistances within you, which you will have to let go of clinging to, as a part of the release.

Releasing the imbalanced influence of sexuality

The energy of sexuality can be seen as the core driving force of creation or creativity. For many reasons, humans have created several hang-ups around the area of sexuality, either due to guilt or owing to their inability to deal with its force – several fear mechanisms have been put in place, in various forms like orthodox religious doctrines, cultural belief systems, pseudo-moral teachings, as a means to control the influence of sexuality, and in many ways the expression of sexuality has been adjudged with labels like perversion, loose character, loose morals, dirtiness or impurity, creating an image of “wrong” in the mind. Children, as they start growing up, are usually taught to disassociate with their sexuality, by parents who are not comfortable with their own sexuality, and usually fear-based mechanism are used to impose this conditioning, creating a society of repressed sexuality which only leads to dysfunctional expressions of the same. There are also gender-specific suppressive mechanisms, where men try to suppress women’s desire for sexual freedom through using derisive labels/judgments and control mechanisms, and women try to wield power over men by using their sexuality as a tool of manipulation – such a mindset leads to a disconnection with the natural essence of sexuality and corrupts it into a negative expression.

Since sexuality is the driving force of creation, it can also be directly linked to how abundant your reality feels – suppressed sexuality usually manifests as blockages in creativity which directly leads to a lack-centric reality. Also, when you are not comfortable with your own sexuality there is a certain lack of magnetism/charisma evident in your personality, and it also manifests in the form of social awkwardness, contracted body-language and lack of drive/ambition. Suppressing, your natural expression of sexuality, can also manifest as energy blockage in the body leading to hormonal dysfunctions resulting from the malfunctioning of specific glands, and organs, relating to the production/circulation of hormones. Different bodies, and different personalities, have different requirements, and different expressions, with respect to sexuality and you have to come to terms with your personal make-up, without comparison, without judgment and without conservative hang-ups. Understanding your sexual requirements, and your particular desires for sexual exploration, is a vital part of aligning with your expression as an individual in this body. If you’ve been suppressing your sexuality, you will notice that, as part of the release-process, you will feel a surge in your sexual energy and may be pushed towards dealing with sexual hang-ups (unearthing fears stemming from narrow or conservative thinking) in your mind – the surge will get balanced out over time as the suppressed energy gets released.

It’s important to first develop an “open mindset”, where you release your hang-ups around sexual expressions, before you can truly understand your personal balance with regards to your sexuality. Every person is unique and hence you cannot compare your needs, and your sexual expression, with someone else and hence only you can determine if you are going over-board (into over-indulgence) with respect to your sexuality. An over-indulgence in sexuality usually manifests into physical fatigue, lack of focus, disconnect with emotions, reckless behavior and a general sense of escapism. This over-indulgence could also be stemming from an inability to handle/contain the “sexual energy” in oneself, and thus being unable to channel this energy into pursuits of creativity, when needed – this ability to contain the sexual energy gets developed when can be open to arising of this energy in you without feeling dominated by it towards finding an immediate release/expression. Once you develop this ability to contain your sexual energy, you can then work on various expressions of your sexuality from a place of personal balance. Though sexuality is a natural part of our being it has to be balanced out with “emotional intelligence”, the hallmark of a balanced soul/being is the ability to bring a balance towards his/her emotional expression along with sexual expression – in an unconscious state (or low-awareness, or imbalanced, state) the tendency is to either get too occupied with emotional influxes or get too “nonchalant” through sexual excesses.

This may be a generalization, but a lot of men find it difficult to be sexually aroused while also being connected with their emotions (this is the reason why men seem to get aroused through “visual stimulation”, like adult-entertainment movies, rather than emotional stimulation) and hence they can make sex into a very primal act of objectified lust without connecting with the emotional essence of their partner. On the other hand, in general, women seem to have the tendency towards emotional stimulation (and hence a romantic/emotional movie can be arousing to a woman) and are less connected with the primal aspects of lust (or possibly even have hang-ups towards it). One can actually bring a balance to these gender specific imbalances, in a state of awareness – men can integrate their sexuality with their sensitivity connecting with the emotional energy of their partner (which is what love-making would infer), while women can release some of their emotional investment and be more connected with the primal energy of sexuality – a mix of primal sex and love-making is what allows for a balanced sexual expression in most relationships. Also, most men seem to completely associate their sexual stimulation with the physicality of a woman which leads to an imbalanced perception and objectified imagery, and of course the media is quick to cater to this imbalanced perception, and even women start being manipulative towards this tendency in men – eventually, a balanced environment is where a man can understand a woman’s emotional make-up and find sexual attraction towards her mind (or her human-ness) as much as her body, and women let go of trying to use sex as a means to manipulate men, which is just a form of negative power.

Sexuality has a masculine element and a feminine element, and it has nothing to do with being a male or a female – for example, it’s possible for a male to have a strong feminine element of sexuality and a female to have a strong component of masculine sexuality. It’s just that, in general, men seem to be more connected with the masculine element of sexuality and women with the feminine element of sexuality, though it could well an expression of the past imbalance. In the state of higher consciousness, the masculine and feminine components can get balanced out in men and women. Feminine component of sexuality is the aspect of emotional arousal, where there is a romance, tenderness and sensitivity to the expression of sexuality. The masculine component of sexuality is the aspect of primal lust where there is a raw energy of hunger that feels the need to be satiated through an animalistic ravishment. As a part of balance, you would be moved towards connecting with aspects of feminine and masculine elements of sexuality in you, and it can brings up fears towards losing the past sexual identity that you may have been holding onto – for example, a heterosexual man can feel uncomfortable about connecting with feminine element of sexuality in him and may associate it with becoming gay, which is not what happens; or a woman can feel uncomfortable about connecting with the masculine element of sexuality from the fear of becoming “perverted”. Once you drop your inner judgment, you will see it purely as a process of balance which leads to a more harmonious expression of sexuality.

The challenge of transition

The process of release is simply a transition from imbalance to balance, and like any transition process it’s bound to feel disorienting as it happens. The fact that you can understand what’s happening allows you to be more comfortable with the process but that does not mean that you won’t feel the discomfort of transition – in a sense, it’s like being open to the discomfort without going into the mode of added resistance or misinterpretations. The release does happen in layers, with more and more subtle components of imbalance coming up as the release reaches towards a finish. If you can understand that the state of balance is a state that’s free of the tendency towards suppression and the tendency towards over-identification, then you would be able to understand what the attitude of openness implies.

Elements of suppression will be brought up for release along with the elements of over-identification – this process is not about holding on to what feels convenient to your “imbalanced ego”, it has nothing to do with gratifying the imbalanced aspects of your mind/ego. Every element of imbalance is brought to the light, and you start realizing that there is no hiding and that the mindset of escapism is no longer going serve you.

Also, it makes sense to let go of your “ideas”, and imaginations, regarding what the state of balance looks like. You can be sure that you won’t be walking around like a haloed angel when you are connected with your state of stability/balance, and it’s best to drop such imaginations; it’s all about being totally authentic with yourself, and living your expression as a being with a mix of light-nature and dark-nature. This process is not about becoming some numb, feeling-less, insensitive, detached being, who seems to have a delusion of freedom based on detachment. This process is all about becoming a highly functional being, someone who embraces “living” by accepting the dark and light components involved in it, someone who is not holding on to delusions but also someone who is not holding on to some idea of “pointless-ness” or meaninglessness, someone who can see the ordinariness inherent to everything in life while not making it into an excuse to stop being motivated by what feels right/required/responsible/important to his/her individual expression and desire for experience, someone who can be true to his/her natural sensitivity, instinct and inclination, without living in a bubble of hang-ups or some ideas of glorified righteousness.




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53 Comments

  1. Wil

    Sen,
    While going through my layers of release, i feel that the process of letting go is a combination of total relaxed releasing where you simply allow things to come up without any “effort”, a phase of “non-action” which has a “feminine energy” to it.

    But on the other hand once the things you allow to come start to arise they are often very painful for us to “face them” and accept, certain dark truths that we kept running away from. And once these “hard truths” come up, we feel this almost overwhelming fear creeping up, which requires a sense of “action” where we have to “go through the fear” and conquer it, which can be considered a phase of “courageous action”, which has a “masculine energy” to it.

    I find that both are required in my experience. After all, aren’t all things a combination of the two polarities ?

    1. Sen Post author

      Wil, that’s right, that’s why I mention in some posts that the state of allowing is not a “passive process” but also requires an active involvement.

  2. Brandon

    Does life have our back during this phase of transition? It seems so i guess my mind just needs assurance, I think my release is nearing an end as I am aware of pretty much all of my negative thoughts/hang ups that enter my mind without over-identification. However it’s tough because while at work I still encounter a little chaos due to my past negativity/conditioning Its like I am almost aware of everything, what others are thinking of me from past hang ups but I just seem to ride it out my being is spacious enough to not become overwhlemed by negativity. Will this eventually balance out where I am not Identified with my past anymore and come into my natural expression without the disorientation?

  3. Wil

    Link for a insightful clip:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WoyO4L3StoU

    This video is for everyone on this website. A friend of mine had sent it to me, and while watching everyone around me seemed to just laugh it as if it was “just funny”. The idea behind the humor in the video in my opinion is that the animal is “so stupid” (as opposed to us who are so intelligent and aware) that it can go about hurting itself, not realizing that it is the one causing itself the pain.

    But for some reason, i did not find the video “funny per se”, it left me with a tint of sadness, and almost i found that i could almost relate to what i was seeing. And then it me. I realized that what the dog was doing was Real f0r the dog, but in another way it was “symbolic” for us. We do the exact same thing every single day. We create our own realities, we suffer from it, and then we blame the whole world for our suffering.

    Some who want to find a solution turn to spirituality for help but are only in search of a “technique”, hoping that the technique will face the problem for us, and thus get rid of it for us. Its kind of like when we see a baby pulling on its own hair and crying from the pain…the pain that the baby is causing in the first place. In a sense, most of us are like children, pulling on our own hair, or biting our own leg like in the video, and we are complaining about it, and blame the rest if the universe for our suffering.

    Symbolically speaking, in the case of the dog in the video, the only way for the dog to find peace is for it to become “whole” embrace its dark side (the leg) and realize that it is apart of itself. But since the dog is not taking responsibility (symbolically) for the leg, it starts resisting the will of the leg and thus the dog suffers miserably.

    I have tried sending people links to the articles of this website CalmDownMind, sending to people i know who usually express some sort of interest in “finding inner peace”, or “being happy”. And to my initial amazement, most people do not find any “resonance” (like Sen calls it) with the calling of “letting go” and releasing. I feel the main reason is that in order for someone to respond to the calling of “letting go” one has to reach what i call the “first step in spirituality” which is Inner Responsibility Not just responsibility to get a job, pay your bills, take care of your “outer duties” such as raising children etc…but Responsibility for our inner state, for our being as a whole. This is the main barrier for most people because it requires a great deal of Courage to do so and this is why i think people are mostly looking for a “technique” or a “method” to find inner peace which we all know never works.

    Just like Sen said in this post, it serves no purpose to try to go in the past with the intent to “sort out” the origin of an imbalance, but the reality that Sen is pointing out is that the problem is not in the past but is “present”, therefore it requires an Inner Responsibility to “accept” that the pain of the imbalance is “with us” here and now, it requires for us to “own it” in a sense. That to me is the first step and a strong indicator that we have reached, or started to reach a place of Inner Responsibility.

    1. candy

      Thanks wil, video conveyed a lot.

  4. Anonymous

    Another excellent, insightful post, Sen.

  5. Chloe

    Zen meditation books are quite helpful for the process as well. It has been interesting to say the least 🙂

  6. John

    Sen,
    Thank you for sharing your perspective on this important subject. I have struggled enough in life to know, you know what you are talking about. I have read many of your post and all of them resonate with something in me, but especially this recent post. You have helped more than any other single source to calm my mind. I just wanted you to know how much you are appreciated and deeply respected. Thank you.

  7. Alias

    I find this post wonderfully beautiful; Each word is there to fulfill the sentence, it rhymes in balance. Hope it inspires other readers. It is getting quite real.

  8. Yosef

    Sen, I was wondering if you could provide some clarification for me on non-duality in regard to experience and expression. I have read in many of your articles that life wants to express and experience itself, which will always be our meaning overall.

    The “me” thought you tell us to let go of, as when we transcend the mind we inevitably transcend the “me” thought which the mind creates. This “me” thought we identify with creates the illusion of duality. Is the illusion not a necessary one for the meaning of experience? The illusion of “me” is the catalyst for ambition, motivation, drive and impulse for the perceived extraordinary (travel, adventure, journey, stimulation), though all based in delusion, it sets the ground for continuous experience.

    After waking up, or enlightenment, everything is said to be very ordinary, and one is content with the moment, and many drives and impulses to “do” may fall away. Doesn’t this go against the call for experience? Don’t we need to feel separate from life in order to have that intense drive to want to experience it? If we feel ONE with everything, as though we ARE life itself, and not separate from it, how will that same drive for experience still exist. There would be no extraordinary push, which is what is behind most experiential desires.

    1. Sen Post author

      Yosef, I talk about having freedom from the pull of the ego so that you can then work in a balanced way with your ego, but that does not imply that you have to become “ego-less”. The “phase of release” and “the return of focus” having different dynamics – the “phase of release” is all about letting-go of the imbalanced pulls/influences to the point where you feel a true inner-freedom, the “return of focus” is all about getting back to living objectively, getting back to being active/involved with the ego (with your desires, preferences, expressions and inclinations). During the “phase of release” it’s normal to feel a sense of a loss of motivation, and it’s part of the balancing-process. During the “return of focus” you come back to working with your mind/body/ego, and start connecting with your motivations in the form of desires, preferences and expressions.

      This blog talks about the “phase of release”, and it also talks about “the return of focus” – some posts are targeted towards understanding the dynamics of the phase of release whereas some posts are targeted towards understanding the phase of the “return of focus”. The dynamics of these phase are totally opposite, one is about letting-go and the other involves re-connecting from a place of balance.

      You don’t need a delusional sense of extra-ordinariness in order to be motivated. I feel motivated in spite of having a deep sense of ordinariness about life, I have preferences and desires, which I work towards, but there are no delusions about the fact that all the realities will have the component of dark along with the light – there was a time when I had a delusional outlook on life, where I imagined reaching some place of pure light-nature. The delusions dropping away does not remove your desire towards experiences/expression, just that you will have a more realistic, balanced and objective stand point towards how you live your life.

    2. Yosef

      Thanks, Sen. This clears it up. In regard to this process my mind doesn’t go beyond the phase of release. It associates it all with loss, as that is all it can perceive. A great sense of trust is required, which I’m trying to find and hold on to.

  9. ross

    love these posts,find them easy to understand I am reading a book called “I AM THAT” in some of the reading i find confusing, but these posts appear to clarify things. thanks Sen……

  10. abet

    Sen I see in the article that you say that a phase of release can possibly “take a few lifetimes”. Is this really true? Can someone really go through the uncomfortableness of release for Lifetimes. It just doesn’t not seem realistic and actually contradicts all your other posts where it says that it can be done in just a couple of months.

    I always tend to compare this phase of release with “Puberty”. Some take longer to get started others take less, some people go through it for 2 years others for maybe 4 years and some jst a couple of months. Im sorry but this whole couple of lifetimes thing does not seem to resonate, Can you clear this up for me a bit.

    1. Sen Post author

      Abet, I did not say that the “phase of release” necessarily takes several lifetimes, what I said is that “development of awareness” (growth in awareness) can take several lifetimes – many lifetimes of unconsciousness can be lived before growing in awareness. Once there is a real readiness/receptiveness towards letting go of pull of imbalance (light-natured imbalances and dark-natured imbalances), it doesn’t take long for a balance to set in – may be a few months to a couple of years. But for this readiness to develop it can take quite a few lifetimes of living from a place of imbalance, going through the suffering of it, and living the various delusions. It does take a certain level/evolution of awareness, in a soul, before one feels ready to let go of the pull of imbalance, and the pull of delusion. However, once the readiness is in place, the letting-go of imbalance (the phase of release) doesn’t take long.

  11. Wil

    Sen,
    Would you say that the main drive of the Negative Ego is always bound to be self-hate ? I read one of your early posts in which you said that self-hate is probably the most toxic form of thinking there is.

    Why would the Ego incessantly try to acquire things, to get more money, success or power and still never find any satisfaction. Its as if the Ego is falsely trying to love itself, but will always fail as it will always feel that it is “not good enough”, which automatically triggers a new “need” for it to chase after. But isn’t it because the Ego is primarily driven by ”self hate” and thus is constantly (and hopelessly) trying to find external means for it to start loving itself ? Its as if the Ego thinks : “If i get this car, i will be “cool” and then i will have a reason to love myself.”

  12. Pavlo

    Wonderful post Sen, written with immense clarity
    brought through pure understanding.

  13. Seeker

    if sexuality was supressed, is it fine to explore and experience what it feels like much later in life? or do u mean that it is just a part of release and one needs to stay allowing.
    you also talk about values when considering these actions. and about power and responsibility.
    so if u don’t experience , then are nt u supressing in some way? how does one come to absolute surety abt values , am confused abt this bit.

    1. Sen Post author

      Seeker, the process of balance is eventually a personal process and you need to work with what feels right for you. A pointer would that if you feel that you are not truly balanced towards dealing with a certain influence/force (like sexuality) it’s best to work with it within yourself (or work with some limited/controlled actions that don’t have any real consequences) until you feel that you are truly ready to take real life decisions towards expression. For example, if sexuality was a suppressed dimension in you, then during the phase of release there can be a surge of sexual energy, including some strong changes in your outlook, preferences and inclinations in aspects of sexuality, but all of these are just “temporary movements” that are part of the balancing process and eventually when you do get balanced the expression would be different from what you felt like during the “imbalanced surges” (that were just a pendulum effect of imbalanced suppression). It’s for you to know when you truly feel a balance towards a certain dimension in you, balance is a personal thing, there is no external standard for it. Values are also personal, and you can work with your value-system in a state of awareness as long as you are making a conscious choice rather than a choice dominated by some unconscious influences – there is no “standard” value-system that needs to be followed, you have to make a choice towards the value-system that feels right to you, the deal is to make this choice from a place of inner-freedom/awareness/balance rather than from a place of unconscious motivations.

  14. Leona

    Hi Sen,

    I’m truly blown away by the magnitude of your understanding and ability to convey such articulate and insightful prose. This post, hand-on-heart resonated with me so richly, I’m not sure I’ve read anything that cuts right through to the core of how\why we do and\or feel things. The way you’ve segmented each topic and really deep dived in, took me on a journey of heightened self-awareness and many times I thought wow, that is exactly how I’ve felt.

    Thank you so much for taking the time to write your thoughts. It’s so gratifying to see someone care so much and provide a window for others to learn and share this information.

    Much gratitude,
    Leona

  15. IAN BALASABAS

    Sen,

    I have a out of topic questions due to group interactions… what can you share about the idea of bad spirit possessions?

    Thank you sen…

    1. Sen Post author

      Ian, “possession” happens in many forms even among humans – for example, when someone, with a low awareness or someone with an imbalance, gets blindly influenced by some “manipulative” leader it’s a form of possession. When we become a prisoner to a certain conditioning, it’s a form of possession. When we get addicted to a substance/belief/person/emotion it’s a form of possession. The bottom-line is that if you have a low-awareness, and if you are not consciously connected with your sense of inner-power (living a balanced between light and dark), you are bound to get pulled into some influence of imbalance either by manipulative humans or by manipulative spirits (non-physical beings in the non-physical realm). It’s very possible for a low-awareness being (in non-physical or physical form) to be “possessed” by some powerful external influence (like an imbalanced but powerful soul) because of their own lack of inner-power.

  16. Nick

    Hi Sen,

    I hope you are well. Just wondering if you can help my current situation. I am currently going through a career change as I have grown bored of where I am currently, there is no progression for me, there is one particularly nasty work colleague, and it is just boring. I have a final interview for something completely new which is great, and obviously throws up a lot of anxious thoughts, which I expect. In terms of my current workplace, I seem to be growing in hatred of the place, and the closer i get to leaving, the worse it is, the less I care about it etc etc. All I want is to be grateful I currently have a job and I don’t want to hate this one colleague but I cannot help it (I am not the only one who dislikes her!). Is it even possible to not hate this person, or is it the fact that I am trying to push these feelings away meaning that I will dislike her for longer and more intensely. Do I just employ a “whatever” attitude to the thoughts that arise?

    Thanks

    Nick

    1. Sen Post author

      Nick, the dimension of “hatred” is a part of our mind, and it’s normal/natural, it just needs to be worked with in a conscious manner so that you don’t try to suppress it or get over-identified with it – one of the expressions of hatred is the aspect of “dislike”, and it’s useful in determining preferences and making choices. You mentioned that you did not like the environment at your workplace and it’s possible that this person, who is being negative towards you, was just an impetus needed to help you make a clearer choice towards leaving this job (sometimes when you are not clear about something, some events can get orchestrated purely to give you a certain clarity and help make decisions in the direction of what’s aligned with you). You don’t have to suppress your “dislike” for this person, it’s also fine to have some resentment, but don’t make it too personal, just remember that eventually everything has its value in terms of your own growth and expression, including aspects of hatred. We are part of a collective movement, there are many beings who are part of life and different beings have different personalities, awareness-levels and maturity and so there is bound to be some dislike (no matter how balanced you are, not everyone is going to like you and you are not going to like everyone), you can’t hope to be “all loving” (that would just be an imbalance of light nature, and it’s not aligned with reality).

  17. Nick

    Thanks Sen,

    That makes sense, and it is something that I kind of understand from your writing. The journey keeps on going…

    Thanks again

  18. Nicole

    Sen, I am curious what your thoughts are on acne and chronic pain. These are things I have to deal with everyday and I am getting tired of it. The thing is I don’t really know how to fully release the fear/anger when both acne and pain are unpredictable. Are there some situations where one has to always work with everyday?

    1. Alice

      Firstly, have you sought medical advice? I’ve also experienced both and medical treatment is the best starting place.

  19. nancy

    sharing this quote..
    Once you can see reality, when you wake up in the morning you won’t see anything you’ve ever seen before. When you can truly see, perceive and taste something, you will see that you have never actually seen it before. Then you know you are looking without your mind. But as long as you recognize something, in the sense of remembering it in the sense of giving it names and labels, then it is not reality yet and you are not yet truly seeing. To penetrate to reality involves a process of unlearning, a shedding or a dropping away of mind, getting rid of all that we know.

    1. Alias

      Yes, in deed and you know how it actually comes about? Through change… it is met through change! Live in a room for a week or a year, and your awareness becomes blurred, the objects become transparent, the paintings on the walls slowly become invisible, you get used to it so much that you don’t see them…

      Same applies to relationships with actual people. We stop looking at the actual person as we did the first day we met him or her. We see a blur, a reflection of us…

      Quite clearly as you say, penetrating into reality is something quite unique and vibrant, you can’t miss it when it hits you! And from my practical experience, it occurs when you change (inwardly or outwardly, it is the same), when you accept change. Then you meet things anew and the world seems different. Many ask me, ‘how long does it last’? Honestly, I can’t tell, because when it takes place, time does not apply, it may be a second or eternity. And it truly does not matter at all because when penetrating into this timeless state, well… time is absent. It is only when you drop out of it that the mind rushes in to rationalize it, categorize it, ask questions, turn it into an experience. But thought can’t reach it, nor can it recreate it, nor can it invent a method for this timeless state to be reached. The only thing that thought can do to help it out is to be silent.

      Then the accumulated knowledge of the billions of years of evolution speaks to the being in another language, from within and from without at the same time, a union has taken place. Physical and mental is then one. If you have kids you know what I mean 100%. The two have become one!

      Friends ask me ‘So how can you use this state in your everyday life, what can you do with it’? You do nothing with it. You achieve nothing through it. You don’t benefit in terms of making money or acquiring status and so on. It is beyond all that because the state of mind required to reach it is beyond all that in the first place. A free mind is free to start with – a dull, confused state of mind leads nowhere close to reality.

      Most people have experienced a deja vu right? What do you do when it takes place, have you noticed? Have you truly noticed your reactions? You panic. You try to understand what is going on, your mind becomes alert and you want to control it, to sustain it and at the same time to record it. And so it fades away. The deja vu is the doorway, it is a quickening of the senses and the mind, a quick spark of kundalini energy in the center between your eyes. If one can take the first step, then the rest comes automatically. The being itself needs do nothing at all, just be with it.

      Does it help at all to read about it? Does it help to practice and meditate? Not really, sorry to be too cynical about it but all the theories in the world are mere words. The actual thing is something quite different. So why do I post all these things here? Obviously I have nothing to gain, and I truly don’t want to raise some kind of comparison that I have done it and many of you haven’t. I only share it for one reason and one reason alone. It’s possible – If I have done it, you can do it. I have been reading and practicing my whole life. It never came to me. Never. Illusions came, imaginative situations, I almost broke up my family in this journey, I emotionally hurtled people … but reality never came. Then there was a void, a gap. I forgot about everything and negated everything I new of. I realized that anything that is not directly experienced by me, is an illusion. The details don’t matter. What matters is that through negation, through change, through seeing anew, the seeing itself WAS the awakening.

      Don’t try to analyse and understand that which you already are. You are what you are, as you are … analysis through thoughts, goals, achievements, longing for security, etc goes nowhere. Just let go and when time is right, the transformation will take place on it’s own, like the Caterpillar transforms into a butterfly.

  20. Alice

    Thank you Sen for your logic, passion and wisdom. Its refreshing!

  21. Sasha

    Hi Sen,
    I was going through phase of release for about 9 months. There were ups and downs on the journey. Down moment were uncomfortable but bearable and the space between them was progressively increasing. However, recently, for about 1 month I have mostly down moments. I feel sad most of the time and not sure why it happens and how to react to this. Is it normal to feel so depressed after releasing so much negative energy? How to deal with it? I am trying to allow it but it is really hard and my every day life is affected so much that I worry I can’t cope with it.

    Thank you for your help

    1. Sen Post author

      Sasha, the “state of allowing” also includes allowing (and working on) the inspirations that come through as a part of wisdom (of your body and of your being). Don’t try to make the state of allowing into some “rigid practice” of passivity. For example, it’s possible that a lot “sadness” was present in your being, and it’s being released currently in your openness, however, the body has a wisdom to understand that too much of a low-cycle creates unnecessary disharmony to its functioning and hence there will be an inspiration to focus on other things now and then (like taking a break for a release) so as to maintain a harmony and recuperate from the drain of a release. It’s possible that you are denying your body’s wisdom, and forcing it into a rigid release instead of a balanced release – for example, you may get an inspiration to seek some entertainment (physical or mental) through some practical means (like going for a hike or watching a movie or getting a massage), but you may be denying this inspiration because you’ve develop a rigid mindset towards allowing. Such a rigidity is usually what causes on to feel over-whelmed by a release. Though the process of release has its undeniable discomfort, you don’t have to make it too uncomfortable for yourself – it’s about being easy on yourself, and not make this into some rigid practice.

  22. Babsi

    Hey Sen,
    Great article. Your work has really helped me with my emotional release. I wrote something based on my recent experiences (hope you enjoy it)

    Emotions come and go
    What they are, I will never know.
    Why can’t we just let them flow
    The flow is what will make us glow.

    Many decide society to trust
    When it says ” happiness is a must”
    But what is so wrong with sadness?
    Why reject the darkness?
    I don’t understand! may be this causes my madness?

    What’s the need for this nervousness?
    Why resist what surfaces?

    Just let go… Let it flow.
    Let it spill all over the floor.
    All you are holding to, you don’t need no more.
    It will be dark and scary,
    Enjoy it very.
    When it is over, there is no going back.
    It is a new stage of serene peace
    where only freedom exists.

    🙂
    P.s. just a quick question, you mentioned something about helping others as a rough step for your ego. Right now my spiritual journey is very ego-istic. I am trying to find the balance between selfishness and selflessness. I see that it is connected with some fears. Anything I can do to speed up the release?
    Thanks Sen! 🙂

  23. Questioner

    I guess I have a strong imbalance to love. I have recognized it and be aware of it, but it still somehow keeps hold of me.

    The fact is that I want to be very loving to my girlfriend all the time. I demand myself to be good, kind, loving and to feel the love almost all the time I see or even just think of her.

    These feelings have aroused in me also very naturally – I have seen it clearly when my mind has calmer periods and I’m relaxed – I feel deeply affected towards her. But, when I don’t feel that or even have a slightest negative thought about her, I’m starting panicking inside with thoughts like “Am I loosing my ability to love? I want to feel the affection! I want to give true love!” etc. And then sometimes I try to artificially force myself to feel love, and then I get even more frustrated, when I see it doesn’t working.

    I understand that love comes itself, it’s a completely natural force which comes forth when we are relaxed not when we want to cling to it… I just don’t understand why do I start doubting my feelings so easily, when there have been so many moments when I clearly (when my mind is calm) see that I love her truly.

    Why am I obsessed with all it anyway? Why I’m so demanding to myself to want to be loving and feel love almost continuously? I know it’s there – but I smothering it myself with this kind of anxiety and demanding.

    Yesterday for a moment I was able to quite clearly sense there’s two of me’s – one is “me which is”; the other is “me which wants to be”. When “me which is” is experiencing something good like love feelings, then immediately the “me which wants to be” (aka ego, false me) comes in and starts spoiling the authentic experience by bringing in tension: “I want to feel more of this!” It’s like additional layer to original me, the mind-made self which somehow does whatever to survive. And in my case, exactly love and the imbalance of it is it’s stronghold.

    I know that I should just let the “second me” to operate, by just observing and not identifying with it – sometimes I succeed in this, sometimes I fail and fall back to identification (like today when I really started to believe that maybe I’m not really able to love, that my affection has been just a self-deception and other such negative thoughts which should not be true, just because they feel bad – I remember Sen’s saying that life force doesn’t support ideas which are in conflict with it, that’s why they feel bad).

    I just would like to know – maybe there are some deluded thinking towards love still in me, which curbs this imbalance? Maybe Sen or someone else can share experience and point something out here, which I have not seen through yet? Has anyone here experienced a similar tendency of mind – a strong demand to love, to urgently feel love to your loved one? Why it’s so hard to just relax and let love feelings come naturally?

    Just for additional background – I’m also a “nice guy” type which fears to look bad in other’s eyes, fears to insult others and try to please others all the time. I have clearly seen also this tendency in me but it hasn’t yet helped to let go of it. I guess, it’s interconnected with the “demand to love” I described before. It’s some kind of imbalance to love, right? But why do it continue to operate in me, even after my awareness has touched it already…? Just staying true to allowing all this and relaxing will free me from this imbalance or maybe I have to understand something more?

  24. Sasha

    Thank you Sen. You are right. I indeed was using ‘state of allowing’ as rigid practice. But I also found that I was still suppressing negative thoughts by rationalizing. I was trying to find the best possible outcome from any negative situation as a way to make myself feel better, in other words, not completely allowing a feeling of depression or sadness. As a result, eventually I discovered that and started allowing all this negativity to come to the surface but I didn’t expect that I would have so much of it that it would make me depressed for a month (I have never had a depression this long, usually I would have an anxiety rather than a depression). I understand now what I was going through but at the time I felt so sad for so long that i couldn’t see the way out of this suffering. I am sure that you have written a lot on the topic but at that moment even searching through the blog didn’t bring an understanding of what as happening to me. Thank you for your patience and practical advice. Truly appreciated.

  25. Ken

    Hey sen, great article. I had a couple of questions I wanted to ask. I have been suffering from low self-esteem/self-confidence and anxiety since childhood. I no these are the result of wrong beliefs stored in my subconscious. I have tried affirmations, positive self talk, as well as hypnosis. All have not worked. At times, I would see a difference for a day or two at most and then revert back. My question is as follows: with relaxed awareness will I be able to change the beliefs in my subconscious that cause my low self esteem and anxiety to more helpful better beliefs?

    Thanks

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