The Experience of Finding Balance

Posted on by Sen.



In a state of “low awareness” the tendency of a being is to be unconsciously imbalanced (in varying degrees), however, as one’s awareness starts growing/evolving the natural pull, or pressure, is towards finding conscious balance – it becomes inevitable. The state of low-awareness is also what I call the state of “unconsciousness” – which is similar to the state of being in sleep, where you are lost to the vagaries of any dream that you get involved with, in a completely reactive manner.

The state of higher-awareness is also what I call the state of being “conscious” where you are no longer lost to the dream, rather you understand what’s really going on – in this state you are involved with the dream but in a state of “aware intelligence”; the dream doesn’t stop but you are no longer lost to it, you are no longer in a state of delusion. Your higher-awareness brings an intelligence of its own, and this is what I call “aware intelligence”, which is also what allows you to no longer behave like a “reactive” being, rather you become a conscious being who now has the choice to stay in a state of balance and thus have a balanced experience of life.

What does “awareness” really mean?

Different teachings (spiritual or otherwise) use the term “awareness” in different contexts. I use the term “awareness” to imply the capacity for “observation” and sensitivity. So when I say “low awareness”, I mean a state where a being has a lower capacity to observe/introspect and a lower sensitivity. At a human-body level, you can imagine how a kid usually has “low awareness” and is mostly pre-occupied with his toys and candies, he’s not really bothered about what’s going on in the world, and he’s also not very sensitive towards how his behavior affects others (of course, there are some kids who are highly sensitive from the onset). As this kid starts aging his awareness also starts growing in many ways, this can be attributed to the growth in the brain’s capacity as well as more exposure to the outside world. So, the capacity for awareness can be defined purely at the “brain level”, however, that’s not the complete picture because awareness is also an attribute/capacity in you as being/soul, it’s not just an attribute of the body/brain alone.

A soul also has its “age”, starting from the time of its creation – infant soul, kid soul, young soul, mature soul and old soul, may be terms used to categorize some general phases of development of a soul. The infant soul has the lowest level of awareness, just birthed into life and hence low on experience and exploration (just like a new born human kid). An old soul has a very high level of awareness, and when an old soul incarnates into a human form, he/she has the tendency to be highly sensitive while also being highly wise/mature towards the worldly ways, along with a highly developed ability to sense non-physical aspects (like being a profound psychic).

The only reason why I mention “soul age” is to clarify that your level of awareness does not just depend on your human body/brain, but also depends on how old you are as a soul. Of course, if you are someone who doesn’t want to bother with concepts of soul/spirituality, then you don’t have “believe” in all this – it’s just that this understanding resonates with me, I am not trying to hold on to these understandings as a “belief”, I am okay with none of this being true. So, if you want to see yourself purely as a human body, and the idea of being a soul doesn’t really resonate with you, that’s fine too, as long as you understand that “awareness” is simply the capacity to observe, introspect and be sensitive – it’s a capacity which has the potential to keep growing as a part of your evolution.

For those who can resonate with the aspect of being a soul, in a human body, you can see your “awareness” as the capacity that you have developed through your life-time as a soul, along with the capacity in your current human brain. Usually souls choose compatible human bodies – so, if you are a soul with higher awareness you are likely to choose a human body which has a brain with a higher capacity for awareness. For example, if you are a mature soul you are less likely to choose a body which has a certain brain disability that incapacitates it to have a capacity for higher reasoning/introspection, you will choose a body with a brain that’s suited to your current level of awareness as a soul, so that you can live from your full potential and grow further from there. However, it’s also true that the level of awareness, in a soul, is the deciding factor – a soul with a higher awareness can bring this capacity into the human body/brain. This explains why some kids are highly mature, and display high sensitivity, from a very early age (even when the brain is yet to be fully developed).

Inner freedom is required to handle higher-awareness

When you start growing in awareness you are bound to feel dis-oriented, fearful and inundated by questions (about life or about yourself), for a while. In fact, the growth in awareness also causes you to become aware of all the suppressed emotions, become highly sensitive to outside reactions, become keenly aware of your mind/thinking (and the various movements of thought), become deeply aware of the imbalances around you (and in you), become aware of the nature of life (especially its dark aspects, which you were avoiding till now) and become aware of the “reality” in everything.

It can be quite a staggering process in itself, though it’s a positive process, and a natural process – it’s simply the natural growth/evolution in you as a being. The reason why people feel fearful, and confused, as they move into higher awareness, is because they lack an understanding of what’s really going on, and also because they are yet to develop the “space of inner freedom” to really allow all the past imbalances to be released for an alignment with balance. In this sense, one has to find inner freedom in order to handle the dynamics of higher-awareness living – without this space of inner freedom one is bound to have a hard time dealing with the flux instigated by this growth of awareness.

Inner freedom simply refers to the capacity, in you, to be “independent” of all influences. At a root level there are just two influences – emotions and thoughts. Of course, emotions are triggered by thoughts, and thoughts are triggered by certain emotions, and hence thoughts and emotions are simply inter-linked. In this sense, inner freedom is the capacity to be free of the “cyclic” influence of emotions and thoughts – it’s not about wanting to get rid of emotions/thoughts, it’s about having the freedom to allow them to “be”, without succumbing to the pressure of their influences, this is how you can “release” the past momentum. Eventually, in this state of openness, as the release keeps happening, you will observe that the emotions and mind-pull start losing their intensity, and thus their influence on you – you will experience that you can be “sensitive” without being pulled around by your sensitivity, you can be thoughtful without being pulled around by thoughts, and thus your motivations are rooted purely in “wisdom” rather than being rooted in the imbalanced pull of emotions/thoughts. You can imagine what a different state of living this is compared to the state of being at the mercy of emotions/mind.

Initially, the pursuit of inner freedom can feel like a real effort, it can feel like a huge challenge, because you are so mired in the pull of emotions/thoughts, and this pull has a strong momentum within you. For a while, you have to go through the “detox phase” (or phase of release) where you simply stay in a space of total allowing, or just a conscious openness, to everything that arises in you, in all its intensity, without trying to sort it out, without trying to find an escape, without trying to seek “relief” – it’s a challenge to be in this state of openness, but eventually this is what is required to really allow a full release of the past momentum of the accumulated imbalance. I talk about this is, in detail, in the post – The Phase of Release.

Higher-awareness gets you in touch with reality

In order to ride through the phase of release you need to have the “attitude” of inner freedom (read the post – The Attitude Required for Inner freedom). Quite simply, it’s about having the attitude of not wanting to cling to any form of assurance, or understanding, or belief, or trust, or hope, or certainty – the courage to simply allow everything that arises, without trying to sort it out through your “reasoning”. Once you develop the capacity for inner freedom you can use your “reasoning”, and introspection abilities, to resolve some inner conflicts, or confusions, gain a deeper understanding about life, develop the mindset of balance, and live from a place of objective/practical wisdom. When you seek understanding from a place of inner freedom you are more likely to find clear perspectives (or reality-oriented perspectives), rather than holding on to deluded perspectives, on life. This is why I would always emphasize on finding inner freedom first, before you venture into satiating your need for understanding aspects of life/living. Your reasoning abilities are highly balanced, and wisdom-based, when you are operating from the foundation of inner freedom.

When you lack inner freedom you are likely to keep looking for ways to satiate your need for “quick relief”, and thus would be wary of seeing “reality” in any situation, and would prefer holding on to certain delusions (like some blind belief that you find security in). Eventually, higher awareness is unavoidable, and hence seeing through all forms of delusions is unavoidable, no matter how desperately you try to cling to them – there is really no hiding, as your awareness keeps growing you can’t hold on to even a speck of delusion or imbalanced behavior. Everything, within you, get touched by this awareness and is brought to its state of balance, after which you start living the “expression” of your inner balance in your work, in your relationships and your life-style per se (of course, there is no universal standard for the life-style that a balanced person “should” lead – it’s a personal deal).

In the beginning of this post, I mentioned that if you don’t find resonance, with the discussion of soul/spirituality, it’s “fine”, but the truth is that you will, unavoidably, see yourself being moved towards understanding life more deeply – you can’t simply hold on to a narrow view, just because you find it convenient. You can’t avoid/ignore the push within you, triggered by your higher awareness, to understand life at a deeper level. It’s not my belief, it’s just my knowing, that who we are is “non-physical”, this physical body is simply a vehicle we are involved with to have the experience of physicality (for enjoyment and growth) – to understand the “spirit” nature (or non-physical nature) of who we are is what true spirituality is, and to understand the aspects of physicality is what objectivity/practicality is, one has to integrate the two in order to have a balanced physical life. Spirituality is not about living some idealized “spiritual lifestyle”, life-styles are individual choices, some prefer to be a hermit while some prefer to be a playboy model – spirituality is simply about understanding the non-physical aspect of you, to know yourself as deeper than just the body, it’s a part of self-realization. Of course, the foundation of inner freedom is primary, without this foundation one can easily make spirituality (or any understanding) into some form of a crutch to hold on to, which is no different from how a drug addict clings to his drugs.

If you are too attached to your physicality, and ignorant of your non-physical nature, you are bound to feel the suffering created by this lack of connection with the “reality” of who you are. Just because a teaching makes you feel “uncomfortable” doesn’t mean that you can simply discard it, you have to be open to sensing if your discomfort is coming from a place of “fear” where you afraid of facing a certain reality which something within you already “knows” to be true. Sometimes I get emails from people stating – “this concept of xyz, in your blog, doesn’t resonate with me, can I just let it go?” – and my answer would be – “Sure, but also remember that just because something doesn’t resonate with you doesn’t mean that it’s not true, it’s very possible that you are currently in a state of low-awareness/imbalance and hence the truth doesn’t resonate with you. You can try to let it go, but if it’s a part of reality it’s bound to keep coming up, until you are open to exploring it within you. You can’t escape reality”. The pointer of – “follow what resonates with you” – is only true for people who are willing to be authentic with themselves, who have a willingness to find truth (above just seeking a temporary relief), who have the inner freedom to align with reality instead of wanting a delusion. I cannot give the pointer of – “follow what resonates with you” – to a person who is imbalanced (with low-awareness), because such a person is not really in touch with his/her wisdom neither does he/she have the inner freedom to be willing to see reality in its true form.

When balance becomes a choice

Balance is not a choice in the state of low-awareness because there is no conscious freedom in such a state of living – one purely lives in a reactive manner, pulled around by the forces of influence, be it emotional or mental, be it from within or from outside. In order to find balance one needs to have a higher-awareness and a space of inner freedom. If you only have higher-awareness but lack “inner freedom”, you still lack a choice, you are still reactive, it’s just that you are highly aware of your reactions now. When you come to a place of inner freedom, you are no longer resisting the dark nature aspects of life and you are no longer overly clinging to the light nature aspects of life, and hence you have the perfect foundation to find balance, consciously.

To summarize, when you move from a state of low-awareness to a state of higher-awareness (usually triggered by sensitivity towards the suffering created by your inner imbalances), you will have a sense of “higher negativity” for a while (owing to your keen awareness of the imbalances – it feels like seeing everything through a magnifying glass) until you move towards finding inner freedom, and once you do that you can have the choice of working from a mindset of balance, mostly through becoming aligned with the reality of life (the reality that life has a light and dark nature, and both these aspects need to be accepted equally without resistance, or over-identification, with either). This mindset of balance constitutes the experience of inner wholeness. Without the space of inner freedom you don’t really have a choice towards exercising the mindset of balance. You can see how higher-awareness, inner freedom and inner/external balance are all inter-linked, and are all part of the required growth in a being towards higher maturity.

The experience of finding balance starts with the triggering of higher-awareness in you (through a wake-up call). After that, the journey is inevitable. Once higher awareness is triggered you can’t go back to the state of low-awareness, there is no possible way to “regress” – though some people do try their best to somehow go back to the old-state of low-awareness, by trying to numb themselves in some way (through food, alcohol, drugs, spiritual entertainment, material entertainment etc), it’s all eventually futile because it’s not possible to suppress your growing awareness.

Evolution is a forward movement, growth is a forward movement, life is a forward movement, there is no possibility of regression, there is only a possibility of temporary suppression which can at best cause some temporary delay, nothing more. Of course, it’s very normal to want to go back to the familiar domain of the old-state of low-awareness, because we find security in familiarity, and the state of higher-awareness feels like a highly unfamiliar domain. And it’s natural to keep fighting this growth of awareness, thinking it to be something “negative”, until you either get tired of fighting it, or you gain an understanding about what’s really going on and see that it’s not something negative, it’s just a part of normal/natural growth in you as a being.

Embracing your inner aloneness

Everyone eventually does need to go through this transition from low-awareness to higher-awareness, from unconscious imbalance to conscious balance – it’s just that each of us is an individual soul, and have individual journeys to ply. In one sense, you are totally alone in that no-one can live your journey, only you can. Also, no-one can completely understand what you are going through, not 100%, only you can. It’s important to embrace this reality of “inner aloneness”, even if it frightens you to sense this aloneness in you – once you embrace it, it becomes your strength, it becomes a part of your inner freedom, where you are no longer looking to the outside to act as a “crutch” for your balance.

Of course, you do need to work with the “outside”, your co-operation is required for the collective harmony, and you also need the co-operation of others in your life in order to function to your best potential – however, without having a space of inner freedom you can’t deal with the outside in an efficient and wise manner, you will either feel constantly threatened by the outside or feel overly dependent on the outside (making you feel helpless and also repulsive, to the outside, due to your dependent/needy behavior). Finding balance implies that you embrace the reality of your “inner aloneness” (the fact that you are an independent/individual being) along with the reality that you are part of the collective life – some people get too lost to the “outside”, while some people try to detach completely from the outside, both these states are rooted in imbalance.




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64 Comments

  1. Dave

    Sen, where does enquiry fit in with finding inner-freedom? Specifically the questions ‘Who Am I’ or ‘Can the perceiver be perceived’ and did you use them to find balance.

    -Dave.

    1. Tyler

      Dave,

      Enquiry fits into the process of inner freedom by allowing you to start gaining space from your mind and begin entering into the state of allowing. It’s simply a way that you start becoming liberated from your mind through the process of allowing. Some people try to use Enquiry to “forcefully” wake up, which never works. There was a pointer given about Enquiry that said when asking the question ‘Who am I’ to “Never answer that question”, and basically by not answering that question it is the same as meditiation, the same as allowing, the same as just watching/observing/being aware. So in that sense it just points to a state of allowing, which Sen has discussed a lot on this blog about how a state of allowing eventually leads to inner freedom (by removing all the accumulated negative energy in the mind, body, and ego force, etc).

      These pointers aren’t meant as a way to “forcefully” use in order to wake up, which how a lot of people use them in a search for something extra-ordinary that doesn’t exist. If you are using the pointers to try to wake up, I would say don’t worry so much about “waking up” just enter into the process of a phase of allowing (since the waking up happens naturally anyway). Even when a person does “wake up” (such as in my case) they still have to deal with the negativity, the past accumulated energy, the thoughts, the emotions, the imbalances, and everything else that happens in the phase of release. The waking up part is basically part of yourself where you begin living as a soul/being (which is what Sen also talks about when he says talks of living Consciously), instead of just living on (but not without) the level of mind and body and thus no longer create any imbalanced realities. When one does “wake up” they know their aspect of being soul/being, and again it happens naturally in the phase of release because you recognize yourself more on a soul/being level (due to growing awareness), which also helps to aid in the process of the phase of release, finding inner freedom and finding balance.

      One last note:
      Spirituality, can leave a lot of people confused and searching for a long time before they eventually give up, even teachers, who were unable to awake when they tried. If you notice a lot of the contemporary teachers (Mooji, Adyashanti, Eckhart Tolle) never “awoke” when they were searching, adyashanti eventually completely gave up, Mooji’s teacher had to upset him, Tolle went through an incredible amount of depression and awoke not even knowing about awakening. So they themselves were also no different than spiritual seeker’s, it was the same with me, and Sen also said he’d wasted a year on the search before he gave up on it.

      Hope this helps,
      Tyler

    2. Dave

      Dear Tyler,

      Thank you for your carefully considered response. You are right in saying that they all gave up their search. I take it you are aware of all Tolles, Moojis, Adyas teachings but I have to ask, do you yourself try still live consciously or in the present… or have you let that go as well and just be completely open?

    3. Tyler

      Dave,

      This is a pretty cool question for me to answer at the moment, since I’ve been working with it lately in myself.

      I do find myself living more and more consciously and in the present (or aware of my actions and what’s going on in the moment). But the difference now is that I no longer have to TRY to do this, it just starts feeling natural to me, like a way of living/being. After I “awoke” I would try to hold onto the awakening and whatever feelings it brought in order to be “happy” and what I was really doing (without me understanding at that time) was avoiding the remainder of the process Sen describes in this blog about releasing negative energy, finding balance, etc… Eventually it came to a point where I had to be very open and honest with myself to know that I needed to continue with the process and become more open, instead of just simply holding onto the awakening.

      For a while, after awakening I did TRY to consciously live in the now, or stay in the “awakened state” (lot of delusion with that term, I am only using it to talk about what I tried to do to avoid my inner imbalances, etc…). Part of this involved fear that I would loose it, which led to me having to develop openness to the fact that I may loose it, or this may not be able to keep me happy, etc. Truthfully openness and allowing this process to happen is what I had to do. So yea, I have let go of holding onto the awakening and have more of an attitude of being open nowadays.

      I am working with the return of focus stage now (mainly working with my mind, my body, my preferences, learning humility, working with my own wisdom, balancing out my decisions, etc.) and in order to do this a person must be open so that they can really align with themselves. By this phase all the awakening stuff is a natural and familiar way of being that there isn’t much effort anymore to try to live consciously, or aware all the time, its just natural with me.

      Some articles:
      http://www.calmdownmind.com/reaching-a-place-of-total-allowing/
      http://www.calmdownmind.com/awakening-transcendence-and-the-return-of-focus/
      (The part about awareness gaining it’s independence from the mind, is a good descriptor of what it feels like now.)
      http://www.calmdownmind.com/awakening-transcendence-and-focus-part-2/
      http://www.calmdownmind.com/happy-without-a-reason/
      (This article is again another good description, about it feeling natural and a kind of stable and permanent. This is basically what I meant saying that there is no try anymore, its just a permanent feeling)

      Best of Luck,
      Tyler

    4. Alias

      I once saw this wonderful tree as I was travelling down the stream of the river of life. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I was so amazed by its beauty that I couldn’t stop looking at it, and later on, as it begun to fade away – as it became distant, I tried to keep it alive in my mind, in memory. But I have moved on, my journey continued and I was missing out all new experiences of the river of life. The more I tried to hold on to the tree, the more I suffered. It was only when I let go, that freedom came.

      To resist the flow and try to hold on to things (whatever these are), is like trying to swim upstream. One is free to try, but one will inevitably become exhausted and will eventually let go. The things one tries to become, eventually becomes the opposite. As with the image of the tree, similarly the image of the self is a burden that keeps one in conflict. Freedom of higher awareness is a choice-less freedom, one that control, mind and thought has no place in it. One can perhaps meet it in pure aloneness, when all thoughts and words end, but again one cannot know it… because if you remember of it, if you carry back a memory of it, then it is merely an experience registered in the mind. The reality of life cannot be captured through words or thoughts – they confine it and spoil it. The real is now, not in the past, and thoughts are always a thing of the past chasing after an illusionary future.

  2. Betsy

    The information you provide us are always so helpful in helping us discover our inner capacity and I hope to read more into your blogs for better insight.
    I am curious to understand something, I’m very insecure about my personality, I try to embrace this insecurity but I would like to know how to express who I amwithour being ridiculed. I think people are so repelled by my personality because it is strongly fear based and I’m always over compensating. You say it’s okay to want to be admired but not from a place of fear, so how to I be my true natural self? Should I do what feels normal and be aware of my tendencies and allow any judgement from others and my self? Or is there a way to let down my guard and access my personality from a deeper place?

    1. Lander

      Hi Betsy,

      Just allow those insecurities as all others thoughts and emotions without need to satisfy them, fix them, figure them. Mind itself has narrow idea what your true nature is, andin most of us there are all kind of personality patterns (what we should be) or ego that believes in its own story about who we are as humans.

      We are not characters, we are much more then mind ideas about who we are. And the moment of getting touch with it is in state of inner freedom, after release of past momentum is done. There will be no one to believe minds stories then, and there will be no one opposing your nature expressing freely and smoothly.

  3. Andrew

    Thanks once again Sen for a great post, it all sounds just so true. I’m definitely in the high awareness state now after couple of decades of the low variety, but still cycling from head in the sand drinking to days of enlightenment when I see my path to inner freedom and not being driven by my imbalances.

    Still a struggle, but when I read your posts I just go “that makes so much sense” and realise I am moving along the right path. I say to myself often “I like moving forward, and so I do.”, forward to inner freedom and peace.

    And then hopefully fulfilling some of the great potential that I know is in me, but which I guess I’m also afraid of failing to achieve in some sense.

    Thanks again
    Andrew

  4. asli

    Thank you Sen! I was just thinking about this subject in the morning, your articles always resonate with me. Although, I am aware of my (unhealthy) patterns of seeking relief, I still find it difficult it to change them. I guess they will be changed naturally once I find my inner freedom. I have one question though, I don’t know how to make a decision or act indepent of thoughts and emotions. When my brain is silent in the mode of allowing, I don’t find any motivation to do anyting. Indepent of thoughts and emotions, what I find inside is only emptiness and silence and it’s very difficult to act out of emptiness (I don’t know how, I’m not seeking instructions, but I just don’t get how can I move or make choices in this state of emptiness, indepent of thoughts and emotions). I read your conscious choice article, but without weight of a thought or an emotion, making a decision based on what? I try to hear my inner voice in this silence, but there is only absolute silence, peaceful though… Nowadays, I am either in the mode of allowing and peacefully doing nothing, or getting back to my old patterns and acting reactively…

    1. Toni

      Asli, i feel exactly the same. i hope Sen replies soon because i’m curious what stage is that, when you don’t feel anything. “Peacefully doing nothing” – i know the feeling.

    2. Sen Post author

      Asli, I talk about two phases that one inevitably goes through as awareness starts growing 1. the phase of release 2. the return of focus. The phase of release is “full time” deal for most people, because of the load of past momentum they’ve been carrying, and this phase is not a “fully functional” phase, this phase is a “detox phase” – detox phase is more like “rehabilitation” days, when an addict goes through rehab he/she basically goes through withdrawal pains, along with the body re-adapting to the healthy state, and as such there is very little energy for anything else. Stop expecting yourself to be “fully functional” while the phase of release is on, you basically would just be getting the bare minimum done during this phase and a lot of events that happen in your life (during this phase) are towards triggering deeper releases (for ex, what you mentioned about acting “reactively”, it’s basically triggered by someone/some-situation, which eventually causes you to become aware of the inner momentum of imbalances in you, and thus causes you to release further – so it’s all a part of unearthing deeper releases). Even the frustration that you feel about not being motivated to do stuff, or the depression that you feel about the sense of being “stagnant”, or the fear of emptiness, is all a part of the release – the attitude during this phase has to be one of total allowing of all these inner experiences, including this deep sense of emptiness or fear of getting nowhere. It can seem very counter-intuitive to your mind to be allowing of these unpleasant feelings, but that’s the requirement of the phase of release.

      Once you’ve really allowed the release of emotional/mental pull, through the state of total allowing, you will sense that there is no longer an intensity left in the pull of emotions/mind, and this is the place of “inner freedom”. Once you have this sense of inner freedom, you will notice that your energy/awareness is no longer occupied by the play of emotions/mind-momentum, and thus it’s totally available to be invested/focused on living objectively – this is the start of the phase of “return of focus”. It does happen, inevitably, if you are open to allowing the release. In this phase of return of focus (which I also call “conscious living”) your motivations will come back, but there will be a sense of balance and wisdom to everything, your motivations will not be rooted in delusions anymore they will be grounded in reality, they will come from a place of objectivity influenced by wisdom (which includes responsibility, sense of integrity, allowing creativity and contribution).

      From your comment, I would surmise that you are well into the phase of release, and for now you will have to just allow these fears that are coming up about “emptiness” and lack of motivation. Be fully allowing of this sense of emptiness/meaninglessness, it’s part of the dark nature of life (emptiness is an inherent dark nature in life, which is also the motivation for creation, just like silence is the background to music). A lot of us are very afraid of feeling this sense of emptiness, and try to constantly avoid it through distractions, and hence we don’t allow a true balance to come in within us.

    3. Em

      So should you force yourself to be functional during this period or just go with the lack of motivation? Ive been in a release phase for a few weeks now – at first it was like opening the floodgates emotionally and I just stayed in my bedroom for days. Some of my obligations (work, housework, etc) have been pretty neglected or ignored. I have no problem doing things that my body and mind are telling me to do – reading, exercising, naps, meditating. Other than that, I have no initiative unless I don’t have a choice (like going to work). Even that is hard because I used to feel balance through work and now it feels totally off-balance.

    4. Sen Post author

      Em, you can’t be “fully functional” during the phase of release, there is a sense of dis-orientation, physical exhaustion, isolation and emotional drain, that’s quite typical of this phase – just like any detox. Of course, there are some obligations, responsibilities and requirements that need to be fulfilled as a part of daily living, that can’t be avoided, and one does have to go through with it inspite of the “inner turmoil” – in fact, these external occupations (and the challenges they create) are useful, in their own way, in allowing a faster release. It’s my perspective that one can have a faster release by operating in the “society” rather than ending up in the refuge of a monastery.

  5. Ren

    I just have to say that these posts have helped me a lot. I 1st read Overcoming Fear through Understanding Reality or something like that. I was amazed but still a very confused person (perhaps soul?). But as time went on I learned more from my environment, myself, the people who help me, books and articles like these. I don’t know who you are or how you look like. And I know you are a very ordinary person (with some extraordinary talent I’d like to say). I just think you’re doing a good job. Whoever you are and wherever you are. Thank You. 🙂

  6. IAN BALASABAS

    Sen,

    Questions:

    1. Is it possible a low aware soul will incarnate or choose a body with highly aware brain?

    2. Speaking about the MAIN CONCOUSNESS (God) or whatsoever… it exist with no beginning and no end who created the physical experience of life…. We!! souls are also its creation so meaning to say that our existence started when we are created?

    or we are already in existence with no beggining and no end like GOD.?

    3. Is there an ending of physical experience of reincarnation as a soul?

    4. If a soul hit balance and wholeness what other growth possibility or incarnation he or she might be planning to engage after?

    5. Does a soul is planning to experience of being a plant or an animals? and what growth could he or she expected to gain for that?

    6. Is it possible that life/God has a plan of another incarnation of soul’s experience in a particular star system which is governed by another higher physical law beyond our current science and physics?

    I awaiting for your answer sen.

  7. Betsy

    Also I had read a little on Eckhart Tolle’s theory that you should train your kind to be present because the mind is time-bound, but it makes me anxious to have to give everything attention and it seems rigid and controlling to train your brain. Do you agree that we should train our brains so were not dwelling on the past and future? Please it would mean so much if you gave me some insight on the time-bound mind. Do we eliminate it or let it be? Much appreciated thank you for your words of wisdom.

    1. Suhasini

      Hi Betsy, To me, Tolle’s ‘be in the NOW’ ‘ Be in the moment’, ‘accept the present moment as it is’, ‘surrendering to the moment’ and Sen’s ‘total allowing’ all are pointers pointing to the same state. Allowing whatever form the present moment takes is total allowing. Tolle explains in one of his talks: in our awareness if we see anger arising, allowing the surge of emotional energy without offering any resistance / being transparent to the energy is to be in the NOW. that is what total allowing is. If our awareness is strong enough the energy will pass by us [we may feel unpleasant for a while, that is ok]. If our awareness is not strong enough and the anger is met with resistance that is when we react to that emotional energy. Tolle says that the NOW in this situation is the angry reaction. To be in the NOW is to accept the reaction. Again that is what allowing is.
      In ‘being in the NOW’ and in ‘total allowing’ we will not be engaging our mind. What I mean is that we will not be judging anyone including ourselves (and therby not feeling guilty), blaming anyone / anything, analysing, comparing, remembering, etc.

      ‘To be in the NOW’ is not a technique, it is not a method to training the mind. It is a pointer to a state.

  8. Williams

    SEN, i normaly have this strong sensation on my body that makes my fist muscle, thigh, feet muscle and face so stiff that i can’t move or control any of them. initially, it used to happen anytime am in public, but in recent times, such sensations has increase to the extent of making my muscle paralysed. It feels like a rope/thread is being tied to my fist, & feet and something is pulling it anytime i want to walk, hold something (it can be so painful).

    I use to have a problem of social interaction. Thèse feeling is nothen compared to fear. Its more of a physical bodily sensation that happens anytime i want to do anything whether am in public or not. It feels like am struggling to walk. Anytime time there is an emotional release – like wave of tension – it happens mostly on these regions (face, fist, leg).

    I talked to my doctor who adviced me to go for an Arthritis/rheumatism test. I went for the test and it was negative. I’v been to many hospitals and they all can’t find anything that is wrong with my joints/body. I’m tired of being looked at as Insane when i knw exactly how am feeling.
    I thought maybe these feeling/pain might me caused by my state of allowing/release. It gives me much concern. I can’t look anybody in the face – adult or a child – without feeling a painful and uncontrolable pull of nerves in my face. Anytime am with a group of old/childhood friends i find it difficult to talk, not because i ain’t gat anything to say, but because these feeling just pulls my face (especialy my forehead and mouth region).

    Please what exactly is happening to me? Any thought, pointer, explanation will do me a great deal of help.

  9. Markus

    The first paragraph under ‘When Balance Becomes a Choice’ strikes a chord with me. For a long time, my imbalance toward light nature was a hindrance. Awareness was open enough to see what was really going on, knowing why became steadily clearer; but the ego just wouldn’t let go of excuses to avoid responsibility.

    Suffering X unfolds; Aha, I see now why this has come up so many times; My reaction was not balanced – but look, it’s much better than before. Small steps! Chin up! Pish.

    Now it’s clear why inner freedom is key. That said, it also makes sense (on my path) why the awareness opened so much sooner than finding (or even understanding) inner freedom. I’d never break through the ego resistance without the awareness shining brightly on that which shows the excuses for the rubbish they are.

  10. F.J.

    Sen, I would really like to know more about the role of “disidentification” in all this release process. You write much about the awareness and the necessity of allowing, but what about the “third whale” – disidentification? Isn’t it the most important one, btw?

    I ask because I have felt several times that trying to allow when I’m identified with strong emotional/thought momentum seems like “banging a head against the wall” – i.e, quite meaningless. I do my best to try to “allow” but at the same time I’m identified and thus keep feeding the momentum. On the other hand, when I’ve managed to disidentify (to really understand that I’m not those emotions and thoughts, that they have no real ground, that it’s really just a “momentum” in me) – then the allowing is not only easy, it just happens automatically. Why should I resist when I see that it’s just a mechanical, conditioned movement in my mind?

    So, the question is – shouldn’t the disidentification come first, before we can really, effectively allow?

    Osho has emphasized the need for disidentification along with allowing: “Just allow your mind to be what it is, by remembering that you’re not it”. I would be glad if you could write something about the second part – how to remember that we are not our minds, how to stay disidentified from out thoughts and emotions? Because they can be very “gluey”…

    1. Sen Post author

      F.J, the way I define the state of allowing is the state of openness which is free of “suppression” as well as “over-identification” – for example, when a thought of fear arises, you no longer suppress this thought, and you also let go of becoming totally identified with this thought by giving it your habitual “powerless” acquiescence, you also stop “trying” to dis-identify by pushing it away from a place of fear. One has to be careful with this pointer of “dis-identification” because it can easily be misinterpreted to mean “avoidance”, or some state of trying to ignore the thought, or trying to contradict the thought, from a place of fear. The logic of the state of allowing is to let go of all the strategies that come from a place of fear towards what’s arising (be it emotion or thought), and simply be open to inner experience of it in a state of awareness, without succumbing to a reaction of meekness/powerlessness, or the need to suppress.

      In some older posts, I used pointers like “you are not the mind”, to give an understanding of “dis-identification” – this pointer was simply about understanding that you have the choice to not get identified with the mind’s pull, in that the mind is an aspect in you and you have the choice of how you respond to thoughts/emotions. However, this pointer was misleading to some people because they took it as some “technique” to use as a means to fight their mind (so everytime a fearful thought would arise, the tendency was to start some affirmation like “I am not the mind”, as a means to find some solace/relief/protection), which is not what the intended message was. The mind is an aspect of you, it’s just that it’s in a state of imbalance due to the lack of awareness, it needs to be brought to balance by first releasing the past momentum of imbalance.

    2. F.J.

      Thanks, Sen,

      I understand that everything can become a “crutch” or suppression mechanism of the mind, even the idea of disidentification or allowing.

      So, is it alright that we aren’t “over-identified” – we are just a bit disidentified from our thoughts and emotions, having at least a minimal distance, space for allowing? The idea of “allowing” itself, of course, includes notion of some separation that “here is me and there is something I allow”.

      However, I think that such a minimal distance is somehow not enough – because when still partly believing the thoughts/emotions, we still continue feeding their momentum, don’t we?

    3. Sen Post author

      FJ, the point of the state of allowing is to find inner freedom, it’s not a “black and white” technique where I can specify “do this and you will be free”, rather I can only give a pointer towards the attitude required and the various dynamics involved. It’s not about ” be partially identified” or be “totally dis-identified” because both these are black-and-white teachings, and it’s only from a place of fear that one wants a black-and-white technique to follow. “Let go of identification and suppression” is simply a pointer to not suppress what arises while also having the awareness to not be totally lost to what arises – for example, when anger arises, the deal would be to stop suppressing this energy of anger in you, thus allowing this energy to have its movement in you, while also having the awareness to not get lost to the anger where you simply allow yourself to be moved by it without any sense of wisdom. Of course, it will take time to find this sense of inner freedom – until then sometimes you may get over-identified with what arises, sometimes you may try to suppress, sometimes you may feel totally overwhelmed by the intensity of what arises in you. As long as you have the sense of what inner freedom implies, you will not end up in any “black and white” strategy that becomes a means of hiding, or finding an escape. I can only give a pointer, I can’t give any techniques per se, but it’s easy to make a pointer into a technique, where one starts reading into the words instead of getting a sense of what’s being conveyed – it’s only normal to do this, and one learns through some personal experience. If you feel certain about an understanding, it’s very possible that you’ve made it into a technique (to find some sense of temporary security), to want “certainty” is an aspect of low-awareness, openness (including an openness to be uncertain) is the attitude you become familiar with in a state of higher awareness.

    4. Anu

      F.J.

      I am no Guru, but here are my 2 cents and my input.

      I have been readin Sen’s articles and practicing, non-practise of allowing for over 14 months. It is not easy to understand for “mind” what Sen is saying. You will get a sense of it slowly. I am just beginning to get idea of what Sen is saying.

      With time and more when you start experiencing, you will understand what Sen is implying. Just hang in there. Don’t quit.

      It is not a technique, but giving up all techniques, which can also become another technique/magic formulae. You will get much better sense of it. I has the very same questions and it took time for me to understand these.

      thanks,

  11. Dashawn

    Thanks for another good post. I’ve only got one question
    You say regression is impossible. So why does my mind
    fight so hard against me. It seems like it’s trying to regress.
    It seems like the very nature of my mind is to stay
    ignorant, eventhough I want wisdom and truth. Everything
    you talk about resonates with my heart but not my mind.
    I think my ego fights against the truth because it does not
    like taking responsibility. It’s really hard wanting to think
    in a way makes sesnse, while the mind wants to remain
    ignorant and believe things that don’t resonate with me.

    1. Sen Post author

      Dashawn, you can gain understanding and become aware of imbalances, however it doesn’t mean that you can dissolve the “past momentum” overnight. Once you gain awareness/understanding, regression is not possible but the past momentum will still take time to dissolve – the time it takes to dissolve is not a “regression”, it’s an inevitable phase required in the transition from the state of unconscious living to conscious living. Like all transition phases, it’s bound to have its challenges where the new awareness is in conflict with the old-state of low-awareness, and it takes a while for momentum accumulated by the past low-awareness state to ebb away in the light of the new awareness. The pointer for you would be to allow the “time” for the release to keep happening, of course you will feel the pull of your mind momentum for a while until it no longer has a “force” in you.

  12. Dashawn

    Thanks I’ll try.

  13. Mak

    Hi, Sen. I really like your articles, read them whenever I am in a bit of quandary. The question I am asking is how to choose a right girl, as it require investing time and energy . I don’t think ‘beauty is skin deep’ concept is entirely correct neither can anyone claim beauty is all that matter. So how do we decide which woman/man is best(?) for us. and also to what extend we must forgive people? Their is a tendency in them to repeat the same mistake, assuming that people don’t change. Let me make it more clear. What would be considered as small mistake that can be ignored. But simultaneously not forgetting that people making small mistakes cutting corners reveal their true self.

  14. IAN BALASABAS

    Sen,

    A soul can be called an old soul during their several physical/incanate experiences, some has so many life-time (hundreds) experience from the past before they can find balance through their jorneys of learning and expereinces.

    A young soul is a new created life-srteam from the whole/source/main conciosness/ or from older life-stream it is consider as lack of experiances and it is very obvious that it may undertake the experiance of being imbalance towards light or dark nature of life as a requirements prior to achieve balance.

    Is it possible that even this soul is too young – it could be enlightend, understand life and started become allowing and open to life and attain balance faster than the old ones? meaning they become matured right away through allowing and being open?

    are there old-souls that until now didn’t reach balance yet?

    However not all old souls achieve balance

    1. Sen Post author

      Ian, that’s right, the soul-age is not always proportional to soul-maturity – some souls take more life-times to find maturity, some take less. It also depends on the reality in which they incarnate – for example, if a young soul incarnates into an environment which is filled with “mature” beings, the chances are that this soul would find maturity faster in terms of finding balanced understanding and outlook towards life. It’s just like how some 18 year olds find faster maturity than some 60 year olds, depending on the environment that they grow up in, and the experiences they go through. There are many factors that contribute to maturity and awareness – the age of a soul is just one of the factors.

  15. Jayson Zahidul

    Dear Sen,

    I would like to learn from you about what illusion (Maya) is all about? Why does it say “The illusion comes when we confuse the reality we experience with the physical reality, the thing-in-itself.”
    Why don’t we see/experience reality directly?

    Sincerely
    Jayson Zahidul

    1. Sen Post author

      Jayson, awareness is about seeing through “delusions”, and thus become fully grounded in reality. Delusion is when you lack an understanding of reality, or when you mis-understand/mis-interpret reality in some way, or when you want to “deny” reality because you fear facing it. For ex, if you are with your gf, and she actually doesn’t love you, and doesn’t actually feel any real attraction for you, and yet you don’t sense it (and continue to be deluded in thinking that she does love you), it speaks about the lack of awareness in you to sense the reality of the situation. You may be deluding yourself because you are naive or because you want to be in denial (fear of facing reality) – in either case, it won’t be long before reality comes knocking, shattering your delusions, sometimes very painfully, and it continues to keep doing it until you “grow up” to let go of your delusional ways, developing the maturity to be grounded in reality all the time. The fact is that delusions always get shattered, it’s just that some of us don’t learn from the experience and continue to keep holding on to delusions, and thus have to keep facing the painful experience of finding our delusions getting destroyed (or getting conflicted) in the face of reality – when you are grounded in reality there is no psychological suffering.

      To give you an analogy of what it means to be grounded in reality, and seeing through delusions, consider the art of magic. When a magician performs a trick, he is using “illusions” (the art of deception), and if you are ignorant of what he is doing you may think that he is really doing magic (when in actuality he is only creating an illusion of magic) – so when you are ignorant, you can be delusional and hence can be “fooled” by tricks/illusions/deception. However, if you take the time to learn about magic, you will start understanding that everything is a trick performed using mechanical props and preparations to create an illusion – once you learn this, you are now aware of the reality of magic tricks and hence will no longer be deluded by these performances. This same principle holds true for everything in life, you can be aware of the reality of everything if you care to be observant, if you have the willingness to want the truth, if you have the inner freedom to not be afraid of facing reality (instead of wanting the pseudo-security of a temporary delusion), if you desire growth above the temporary sense of security and if you are no longer seeking some sense of “extra-ordinariness”, willing to see reality in all its ordinariness.

      The journey towards understanding the reality of life (and all aspects of it) starts from a commitment towards wanting the truth above anything else, when you stop caring for the temporary relief of holding on to delusions – you can’t be open to sensing the truth if you lack an inner freedom, your fear will prevent you from facing reality, and you will continue to hold on to delusional thinking for the need of some pseudo-security.

    2. Anonymous

      Excellent, Sen. This hit the mark and a much needed wake-up call. Thank you.

  16. Ahlan

    Hi Sen,
    Would you throw some light on the topic of black magic. If a person is fully aligned and is stable in his life will black magic cause havoc in his life?

  17. Ahlan

    Hi sen,

    I recently came upon Ubermans Techniques of using our subconcious to find some answers. Is this useful to use as a guide to find out what our fears are.

    Thanks

  18. michelle

    Hello. I have been practicing this for quite some time and have found a lot of balance. A great deal of the time I am able to rest in silence. But when the mind starts up again, it seems very agitating, much more so than before I was aware. Its like im acutely sensitive to the noise it produces. I am able to notice it and let it settle, when it happens but Im just curious whether it is common to swing back and forth at times from peace to noise when you are in the process. It’s like my mind is trying its hardest to figure out this “awareness thing” and I know the mind cannot understand such things.

    1. Lander

      Hi Michelle,

      Just be that way – observing, not identifying, not judging to mind noise. It is perfectly normal, actually those can go real loud at times, which can feel unpleasant itself, (depending on individual baggage of past built momentum) – but one needs to stay allowing to them, in inner space, for some time – until all momentum that is attached to those thoughts is not released.

    2. Mark

      Hello Michelle,

      I am just want to add some things. There is no regression or swinging back, your consciousness is growing stronger everyday, slowly. So if there is a period of time you feel peace, silent in your mind and then suddenly the next day the mind just went crazy/noisy, this means your awareness is growing stronger and you can see another layer of past built momentum. Sen mentioned in one of his articles, that the release happens in layer. I also got the same experience like you, a period of time, my mind was very silent, peaceful while suddenly on the other day, it just go noisy, full of thoughts and negative emotions. It can keep going for a few days, and my mind was sending about this regression thing too.

      So, just like Lander said, keep observing, identifying, dont judge. Take it easy, you can ignore them if you couldn’t stand the intensity. Hope this could help

      Regards

  19. Sarah

    Hi Sen, I want to know your take on feeling repulsed by neediness. I sense being put off by neediness is a universal attitude, however, I sense I’m imbalanced in this area.

    Historically and towards the end of my last relationship, I’ve had a strong repulsion to a male’s perceived neediness or ‘softness’. But I know intellectually that my reactions were unwarranted. My last partner, for instance, was a healthy and balanced male who wasn’t excessively needy or dependent at all, and yet, this ‘repulsion’ was one of the reasons which led to the dissolution of our relationship.

    Just curious. I know it’s not necessary to know. But nothing in my life’s history seems to point to how I built up strong momentum in this area.

    1. Betsy

      It doesn’t matter what experiences led to your minds momentums, all our minds are structured the same way, they are only different externally. I resonate with you comepletely, your mind being a temporary thing in itself is aware of the impermanence of things, including relationships of course, it tries to cling on to things because its afraid of the unfamiliar, don’t go searching into your past, focus on your feelings now, watch how your analyzing yourself but its just your mind creating its drama feeling is constant insecurity, its nothing too significant. I really hope this helped hopefully sen or someone more balanced can give us both insight, I do however know what it is that your experiencing

  20. Amanda

    Hi sen,

    Your articles are so insightful and im in thr beginning of starting to allow my imbalances to come forth and find it challenging at times as I have been so lost in my mind for the past 15 years and I seem to allow my emotions to arise at times with some ease then the next day I wake in fear of the not knowing and my mind trys to pull me back in by conjuring up some other healthy living plan that will help me feel better. I am a chronic past dieter and am completely lost in my mind with how to feed my body properly and how to stop using food to control the anxiety and restlessness I feel each day. Does what u eat and how you eat affect your momentum and energy release? I have been trying not to use food as a coping tool anymore but then i find myself lost withmy emotions and unsure of how to feed body now that I am working on allowing the release without using food as my crutch. I hope u can give me some guidance as I feel quiet lost. Thanks for all ur amazing work.

    1. Sen Post author

      Amanda, there are two attitudes surrounding any activity, including eating habits, 1. doing something from a place of wisdom (aligned with balanced thinking, inner freedom and objectivity) 2. doing something from a place of fear or some other form of imbalanced thinking. Trying to eat healthy from a place of paranoia is like trying to compensate for your inner imbalance (stemming from the lack of inner power, anxiously trying to stay healthy) through an external activity like disciplined eating – eventually it doesn’t allow a healthy state, simply because the body responds to your inner-state more than what you do externally. Instead of focusing so much on your food habits, you would, firstly, need to work on finding your inner freedom by working on releasing the pull of your mind’s fear momentum (through the state of allowing – you can read the post, The phase of release for more insight on what this journey entails). Without inner freedom you cannot truly exercise a conscious choice towards balanced living. Inner freedom is simply a state of “power” where you finding independence from all your “influences” (stemming from your mind and emotional-pull).

      The fear surrounding your food habits is just a symptom of a lack of inner freedom, and thus a lack of inner power – you may notice this lack working in other areas of your life also, possibly you have a hard time standing up for what you feel is right for you or compromising from a place of meekness or indecisiveness. Just use this fear as a wake-up for you to move into the journey of finding your space of inner freedom.

  21. Anirudh Kariwala

    Dear Sen,

    After reading these posts, no doubt they make perfect sense. I just had a few questions in mind. So in some posts you mention that holding onto beliefs would be something that would not arise from a place of wholeness. And you also said that purely wisdom based thinking would mean you can easily let of any addiction since your wisdom would overpower fear of the letting go process. However I have a few questions.

    I am pretty sure a lot of people live in wholeness and after reading your posts I can actually figure out a lot of people who I know live in wholeness. But does living in wholeness entail you getting rid of social pleasures like drinking or would it just be that drinking would then be done for the fun of feeling drunk and not the delusion of socializing and drowning sorrows. Even when it comes to using drugs as recreation, would that then only be for the sake of fun or just for the sake of I want to do it.

    Also I want to know what your thoughts are on the concept of free will. A lot of people who don’t believe in Free will basically say we can’t help how we feel at points of times in out lives. So does this understanding lead to the concept of allowing. Since happiness is not something that can be controlled through specific actions or externalities.

    As far as my process is concerned I think I am in phase 3. As of now I am vacillating between getting some of my desires back and at the same time feeling detached and just indifferent. I get a lot of intense releases from time to time and I am slowly letting all of this sink in. I get thoughts of how it would be to be in a state of balance but havent really given them any importance for I realize that you can’t really predict how you will feel or think in the future for reality is changing every time. If I feel how i feel after one second. I have wasted a second thinking about it and in that sense my thoughts are lagging behind my reality. I have literally gone from feeling heavily anxious to almost feeling zero anxiety in 3 months time. It has left me really disoriented since things have happened really quickly, however the feeling of being disoriented is again a concept of dramatic thinking of the mind is what I believe.

    I just wanted to know as to what your thoughts are on my questions and also what do you think of my journey at this point of time.

  22. Betsy

    Thank you those who are answering my questions and giving me insight I feel supported.
    But I need help, I stutter in my mother tongue, I don’t think it’s a disease but my fear manifesting as well as my mind has built an identity that I stutter severely in my mother toungue yet none in English. I don’t know how to incorporate these teachings I need insight. Do I just allow the fear, uncertainty, and compulsive thoughts regarding my stammer? I feel that allowing is the only choice but the problem is, is there a way to undo this neural belief that I stammer? How can I be on my way to stop stammering? I am so grateful to those who will give me as much understanding as they can

    1. Lander

      Hi Betsy.

      During this transition process, every psychological structure that was unconsciously rooted in false mind identification will be touched by awareness, all imbalances will be balanced, and this will certainly bring to you many positive changes in many aspects of your life.

      You realized that stammering is only symptom in nothing but indication/invitation tomeet deeper resistances, insecurities, fears, made in past by unconscious mind. Negarive ego created this fear based pattern in first place, and now is judging of its own symptom, thus creating endless cycle of judge and fear and hatred, feeding on its own product, restlessly.

      So try to disassociate from this attitude of wanting to get rid of symptom, wanting to get rid of anything.

      Key is to stay relaxed and fearlessly open within your being, willing to see through it all, all this imbalances of mind, all this ~ego-deluded-fear-based~ structures, questions and tantrums, with no judging any of it, and with understanding that allowing is nothing but conscious state of loving, basic and powerful capacity for peaceful openness, while attitude of ~getting rid of something~ is attitude of negative ego, one based on fear and hatred.

      Be willing to sense thoughts your mind produce, and see are they coming from place of love and openness, or they are based on fear and hatred – then you can see through it all and gain right insights that your growth requires during your unique journey.

  23. Anirudh Kariwala

    Hi sen,

    Just wanted to clarify as to what is going on. Since the past 2 days I have had a tremendous surge of negative energy for no rhyme or reason. I have felt like crying for no reason and at the same time I have felt literally stateless and it feels like I am just moving in some space. My mind sends doubts if I am going to lose all sense of this world and I know its not true.

    I came across this blog in the process of removing anxiety and obsessive thoughts. Those obsessive thoughts have now died out but the surge of negativity was unbelievable at times. I think at this point I am getting obsessed with this blog and the pointers. Its just that although I know nothing is going to happen I am getting pulled into this massive release. People have told me that my skin tone has changed and I feel lighter within, however I feel really fatigued and motivation less its like a massive push of weird feelings all at once which have left me disoriented.

    I have doubts about whether I will be emotional or not since I was a very emotional person and now I certainly don’t care as much.

    I just wanted to ask if there are any pointers for me at this stage.

    I also read your posts and they make a lot of scientific sense. Its just that my mind on its own is picturing the wholeness and its seeing it negatively and throwing in some crazy resistance.

  24. Faye

    Anirudh…..I can relate to what you are saying as I am sure many other people here, I too sometimes wonder if I am addicted to Sen’s posts but they have helped me enormously since I experienced what he calls ‘fierce grace’ and a few weeks of bliss. Other sites that talk about awakening are too flowery, Sen’s are comforting and cover all bases.
    The surge of negativity and feeling like crying is familiar to me too but I know after a few months of having these thoughts and feelings that their hold on you does diminish…at the time of the negativity though it can seem overwhelming but I remember how I felt a few months ago and those fears have much less impact now, it’s just that some seem more stubborn than others (Sen mentioned something about neural pathways which helps my understanding of this and may help you). So now although I have days where I feel very low with the fears and negatvity that come up and also the mind telling me I am back at square one I ‘know’ I am not and this release, even if some of the fears keep coming back again and again simply is because they have had momentum in me for so long and will take time to be released…..I then return to Sen’s posts and the perfect one for that moment seems to be there! I hope this helps you to know that other’s are and have experienced the same as you.

  25. Anirudh Kariwala

    thanks faye!. Although I am in the phase right now. It feels like I am back to square one and there is the feeling of my ego changing which is leading to some sort of an identity crisis is what I would say. Its a very weird feeling and not something that I can really describe in words coz its just different. And yes at this point of time is when I am realizing how literally arrogant and delusional I have been. So its like I have accepted those facts but then my mind doesn’t seem to accept it which sometimes causes a lag between my acceptance and thoughts. This is what creates discontentment and doom.

    Thanks and I can only ride it out since you cannot hide from feelings anyway.

    1. Faye

      Anirundh….from my experience over the last few months I too have felt a number of times that i am back at square one but that goes if I allow it so I don’t fear it so much anymore although when I am in that regressing moment it makes me feel a bit doubtful or panicky. I know what you mean too about an identity crisis….I have wondered ‘who am I?’ because the person I thought I was is falling away, like masks or roles I have unconsciously played are disappearing. Then today I had an understanding of how delusional I have been in my life, ignoring that inner voice, inner expression and just following convention. I feel I have been so in-authentic which made me feel regret, sadness and guilt…..this is huge for me, I thought I had allowed and released so much but this shows that we go through layers of ‘stuff’ we have accumulated and it takes time. You may be experiencing a lag because there are layers to go through…also I have found a difference between accepting and allowing, ‘accepting’ seems to make me feel resigned to something which is holding on and not releasing whereas ‘allowing’ simply brings awareness to that something and it’s hold on me seems to lessen, it’s as though my mind gives up, it’s tired of trying to figure it all out….and then it releases. I hope this makes sense, it is not always easy to put into words.

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