Dealing With Uncertainty



Anyone who sees through his/her mind easily understands that the mind is not a problem, it’s just a machine designed for physicality. I use the word “mind” to refer to your brain and your heart in conjunction because both these organs define the thought space of your physical body – however, it can suffix to call the brain as the mind of a human because in the end even the heart’s signals are processed by the brain, it’s the real translator. One of the reasons why the mind fears is because it does not know what lies ahead, because your future is always a mystery, you can’t ever know your future with any certainty. Why is the future uncertain? Because life is always the Now, even life does not know how the future will unfold, it can only move from the choices of the Now.

If your mind could be given a “pre-script” of everything that’s going to happen, it would be far less fearful, and would actually make peace with what is to come – but that would also lead to a very boring life because you always know what’s going to happen, there is no suspense, plus there is no possibility for choice or growth, and it also dulls your present moment completely when you know what’s going to happen in the future. So it’s a good thing that the future is uncertain, it’s a blessing because it allows for an expectation and suspense. What is required is that you become friends with this feeling of uncertainty in the mind, understand that the mind will always have fears of the future in someway – when your mind is mature it has far less fears (also less intense fears) than an immature mind, but all minds have fears, after all it’s a survival machine. But when you don’t fear the fear of the mind, allowing its free movement, you are always in contact with the wholeness of your being and you become highly spacious/transparent within so that nothing really touches you in a disturbing way.

Allowing the fear of uncertainty

No matter how hard you try to know, no matter how well you prepare or plan, you can never know what’s going to arise in the future. The more you struggle to make yourself secure, the more you live in fear of the future. However, if you simply relax and let go of trying to give yourself some pseudo-security, and are willing to face life in an open way, you will see that your are always fresh in your outlook, you are always coming up with new ideas/inspirations, new solutions, required understanding and clear perceptions, because you are not clinging to your old conditioning/plans. Stop trying to live life through your past understanding/experience of it, allow life to surprise you by making yourself fully open to allowing what arises. You don’t need to cling for security, it’s of no use, in fact, you come to a true security when you embrace total insecurity, and allow life to happen.

A person who is no longer fearful of security is truly secure – of course, the mind will always want some structure and security, because that’s the nature of mind, however, in your being, you can stop giving credence to these fear-based thoughts in the mind, you don’t have to believe them, just allow them to be. Keep yourself free to observe how your life moves and soon you will realize that life has a harmony to it, it’s not chaotic, it’s not going crazy, it’s not disorganized. If you go to a wild forest you will see how everything is organized (the trees, the shrubs, the vines, the streams, they are all arranged in a spell-binding beauty) even though there was no-one to organize it, there is a deep harmony in the way nature (or life’s intelligence) organizes things. Can you be more trusting of this life’s intelligence and give less credence to the fears of your mind (without being angry with it, after all the mind is just doing what it’s designed to do)?

Fear is the fire of oncoming transformation

When you are clinging for security, you live a paranoid life, you become highly needy and there is an energy of lack in you. The only reason you cling for security is because you are not stable enough to allow the fears in your mind and are always looking for “quick relief” to shut it up. Rather, if you would stop being so afraid of the fears of the mind, and allow it to be (allowing its temporary noise and discomfort), you can stay open to life’s intelligence and thus unveil far deeper possibilities, and opportunities, that can bring a dynamism and beauty to your life.

There is a huge difference, in the life experiences, between a person who is doing everything for seeking some temporary relief (a pseudo-security) and person who is willing to allow the fears without becoming reactive in their wake, allowing life to put things in the right place, allowing for the right timing. It’s a choice of living, it’s a way of life, you decide what type of living you want to choose.

When the mind produces fear, it is unpleasant, but you are grown up enough to allow these sensations, instead of running for some temporary relief – your reality will always move towards freshness, and expansion, if you are not clinging to some pseudo-security to appease the mind’s fears. People who develop the capacity to allow fear are always rooted in wisdom, they are never reactive, and they always stay receptive to the inspiration/inner-guidance of their life-stream because they are not held hostage by the noise of their mind’s fears.

I call fear the “fire of transformation” and anyone who is willing to burn in it are constantly moving towards transformation, growth, solution and betterment. People who run away from allowing themselves to experience the fears fully, as they arise, are always living in a place of immaturity, confusion, neediness and a stuckness in life. The common question people ask is “how do I get rid of this fear”, and the answer is always – “allow it fully”, quit trying to escape it. When you allow it fully, it transforms you, it burns your resistances, it burns your egoic hang-ups and it deepens you. When you keep resisting it, you stay a prisoner to your fears and lead a handicapped life, trying out techniques, strategies, distractions, thus ending up as an addict to temporary relief mechanisms, never allowing for a deeper maturity and growth.







48 Comments

  1. gary guthrie

    Sen,

    I’m certain NOW, that this fear of the uncertainty can easily be turned into excitement and anticipation for what’s to come. Because we know that we are going in the right direction with our life stream. With this fascinating and simple wisdom we know that our life stream will only bring us the best, and whatever step we’re taking is the one needed to continue to embrace the ever present moment, and the future is sure to be glorious. I see no need to attach any significance to the minds natural tendency to worry, instead I choose to create a place of peace and balance. This is part of our job to maintain this working relationship say to say with the mind. I have the capacity to control how I’m going to interact with my mind. I’m going to make sure I’m in balance, so I can marvel at just how great this spirit and mind connection can be.

    Sincerely,

    Gary B

    ” In order to know the truth, you have to know that which is not true. If you know the false as the false, the truth will dawn upon you”

    —–Carpe Diem—–

  2. Sunrise

    Beautiful!! Thanks again Sen for sharing.

  3. robert

    It resonates so beautifully, thank you sen

  4. Eternus

    Sen,

    I wonder if you could help me… tonight I’ve experienced a drastic change. A change that I wasn’t sure was going to happen, but it has. My circumstances have been a catalyst to this, and tonight I believe I am finally experiencing the death of the ego. For weeks, I’ve tried to justify its existence, value it… I’ve debated it in my head as to the value of it, why it has to be real, what makes it real, and what makes it a good thing… but tonight, as I was thinking about it, something clicked. It’s all a delusion. Isn’t it? None of it’s real. I believed this on an intellectual level, but I never truly KNEW it until tonight. I felt my awareness, and this was a curious feeling… but I feel a deep sense of sadness. I feel very depressed, almost hopeless. It’s a feeling of being lost, like I’m a ghost. Is this normal? Isn’t transcendence of the ego, or “ego death” supposed to be a liberating experience? I feel no resistance, but I feel no joy or peace either. Only fear, uncertainty and sadness. Is this part of the process? It’s really quite frightening, and I’d appreciate your insight into this. Thank you

    1. Sen Post author

      Eternus, first it’s important to understand what the “ego” really is so that you don’t have a confused perception of it. The way I define Ego is basically the “me” thought structure in the brain, where the brain through its self-awareness, references itself as “I” and creates a structure by adding everything that feels “personal” its identity. This is how the brain is able to have a meaningful experience of physical life, in the absence of this structure you would have no idea who you are in any practical way. The brain has its preferences, likes, dislikes, wants and inclinations, and all of this can be called the Ego because they are all “personal” to the brain – all these have a value because they define your natural expression and your uniqueness. The brain can also take up a lot limiting/negative conditioning for outside, and can also come to several negative understandings/perceptions about life, based on its interpretations of its life-experiences – this negativity also becomes part of the ego structure.

      When your awareness is totally lost in the ego structure alone, you become devoid of any perspective other than the ego perspective, and if your ego has a lot of negativity attached to its structure, that means you develop a negative perspective on life. This is when you start attracting negative realities onto yourself. Awakening is simply about waking up to your truth as the universal consciousness, or one being, and understand that the ego structure is simply a creation in the “brain” – it has a value but it’s not who you really are. In this realization, you are able to see beyond the ego while also seeing through the ego’s negativity, however this does not mean that you try to kill or get rid of the ego because that would just become another form of negativity. The ego has a job with respect to physical life, and the problem is not with the ego but with our over-identification with it which leads to negativity, and also our unconscious belief in the negativity present in the ego structure due the false conditioning, and limiting perceptions, that the brain imbibed.

      Whats happening now, with you, is that you’ve had a realization where you are able to see that the ego is simply a thought structure in the brain, nothing more nothing less. Because you’ve seen this so clearly, it has made you let go of the strong identification you had with this structure. It’s normal to have a sense of sadness because it feels like leaving an old reality, like saying good bye to an old way of living, which you know is never going to come back again because you’ve seen through it so clearly. This sadness will dissolve soon enough, but soon there will be some fears and a lot of thoughts of disorientation, where you feel as if you’ve lost the rudder of your boat, feeling groundless, with nothing to really hold on to because you are now no longer taking your ego structure for your sense of identity. But this disorientation is also a very temporary phase, and you will soon realize that the ego is necessary for physical living, and you will come back to being involved in the mind, but this time from a place of deeper connection with your being – in one sense, you now have a deep field of awareness and hence will not be totally lost in the mind. In this place, you will start gaining clarity about your mind, its natural makeup, its true preferences, and thus will be able to start living out your natural expression, also there will be a deep sense of inner wholeness because you are no longer gaining your identity fully from the ego structure of the mind.

  5. Eternus

    Thank you Sen, you put that quite perfectly. Do the feelings associated with this sense of awakening fluctuate? I do not think of this as a negative experience. There is fear and sadness, but there is also a sense of relief. I believe that because the reality has hit me more suddenly and more concrete than I had anticipated has caused me to feel these emotions so intensely. When I talk about relief, however, I also feel lighter, both metaphorically speaking (because something is no longer being carried on my shoulders), but also a strange sense of physical lightness which I’m not sure can be contributed to this experience. Just not long ago, I experienced a wave of joy, which expressed itself in the form of laughing, but not laughing as we would normally define it… it was just the sense of relief, and the joy associated with it. It’s such a strange sensation.. yet I feel it’s “right”.

    Thank you for your reply, you’ve truly helped me put this into perspective. I hope this may be the shift needed to begin my journey to spiritual growth and healing. Thank you

    1. Sen Post author

      Eternus, the intensity of feelings will settle down quite soon. The intensity is basically the release of the energy that was held up in the over-identification with the ego structure, it’s like the sudden relief you feel in the body when you put down a huge load you’ve been carrying for miles. Of course, the body takes sometime to acquaint itself with this lightness, and the higher vibration that it’s shifting towards – different bodies react different, for example, it’s possible to feel a lack of appetite for a while as the body harmonizes itself to the higher energy flow or there is a feeling of wanting to just rest for a while to recuperate from intensity of the release.

      As you’ve identified rightly, there is a sense of “this is right” even in the midst of the sadness or agitation, because you’ve now connected with your inner being in a strong way by letting go of your anchor in the ego. This starts a new way of living, aligned with inner guidance, living your natural expression, attracting realities of well-being and experiencing life from a place of wholeness and wisdom.

  6. Eternus

    I will continue reading the wisdom of your blogs. Discovering this site has been a true blessing.

  7. Sasha

    Hi Sen, recently I went through some form of trauma that was very unpleasant and until I came across your blog, I dealt with it in a series of was that just could not help me. Finally, upon stumbling across your blog and from some help from my mother, I was able to be resistant to the fears of this feeling that would hit me thoughtout my days and by the time the new year came around, I felt more or less, how I was before it all happened a couple of months a go as I stayed in a state of relaxed awareness and observed my thoughts, instead of identifying with them. However, in the last couple of days I have been staying elsewhere, and have had a bit of anxiety building up to me actually stating in the first place, and over the few couple of days into actually staying, I felt these feelings again that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I didn’t panic, and I just kept watching my thoughts as I did before and often do. I just want to know if this is a new phase of letting go of the fears of my mind, simply because when I was put in that situation I felt feelings of sadness, and depression and thoughts I hadn’t had in a while. Is this good that I experienced this?

    1. Sen Post author

      Sasha, none of this is a technique to keep distance from what arises, but rather it’s about developing the spaciousness and stability in you so that you are no longer afraid of what arises in the mind or body, any thought, any emotion. Hopefully, you are not using relaxed awareness as a technique to keep distance, or protect yourself, from the fears that arises. Awareness is like unconditional love, it’s totally open to what arises, it’s not hiding or shying away from anything – this is what freedom truly is, it’s “freedom to” experience whatever that arises. As long as you are hoping that something does not arise, it’s indicative of the fear you have towards it and thus you feel like you need to stand guard all the time. Only when you bring an totally open awareness (without holding back) to what arises can it dissolve, only then can a true transformation really take place.

  8. Sasha

    No, not at all, the whole point was that I listened to what you noted and didn’t shy away from the dimension of fear. I stayed with it but did not identify. I just would like to know I am in anyway on the right track to achieving some sort of peacefulness within my mind.

    1. Sen Post author

      You have the right understanding of this process, as you stay in a place of open allowing, you will come to a place of inner stability because when you are allowing of what arises you are no longer fueling it with your resistance and hence it ebbs away in force.

  9. Isabella

    Sen, I’ve been reading this blog for a while and I love the energy u put into it. It resonates with something inside me. I have been wondering about something. You mentioned how disidentification with the ego can create a turmoil for a while. My experience is that since I was very little I have been wondering about who I am and what the reason for me being here is. Since then I have reached a place where I am currently feeling a loss or detachment from my identity as well as a sense of being lost in this world and feelings of total disconnection from everyday life, from people, and from the dreams and beliefs I once had. Accompanying this was a feeling of ‘being attacked’ by all the negativity in me. All at once I came to see all the limiting beliefs, shameful attributes, and underlying hatred and anger within. Up to this point I have always worked hard at being loving and a ‘good/nice’ person, noble.
    This attack of negativity was accompanied by severe panic, fear and depression. I feel hopelessness as to whether this is a temporary process or not, and I am worried that I might never be back in the real world again, since I have lost my interests and dreams and have become empty inside, disconnected from my core.
    Is this a form of disodentification from ego like what you have mentioned? Is it transitory and will I find myself again if I am patient with myself and allowing of what’s coming up?
    There was a while when I tried to resist and go ahead with everyday life such as going out socially… Until I felt entirely crippled and gave up the fight. Now I am just resting.
    What makes this more inconvenient is the timing, as I am in my last month of pregnancy and feel that im running out of time and reaching a deadline. I try to trust the wisdom of life and what it wants for me. But that’s also not easy when you’re in this state.
    I’d love to read your insight. Thanks so much.

    1. Sen Post author

      Isabella, all that’s needed is that you let go of struggle – be it a struggle to know who you are, or a struggle to set your life right, because the mind which is trying to do is already imbued in a lot of fear and hence brings the same flavor to all these activities. When you simply let go of your struggle (even if the mind is against such a letting go, just don’t identify with its fears), your body and mind will come to stay of natural harmony on their own – the mind has a value in this physical life, it gives you a sense of “personal”, and it creates a structure of meaningful existence where you can go in relationship with the life around you, but when this mind is rooted in fear it always goes into a fear-based relationship with everything, including itself. The only way to overcome this fear based momentum in the mind, is to let go of struggling with it, and just stay in a stay of surrender, allowing the space of life-energy (you can call the inner-being or non-physical life space) to touch your mind and bring a balance to it – you don’t even need to understand what’s happening, a harmony will get established and a clarity will emerge on its own, if you just stay surrendered. What your mind is feeling right now, the sense of “dis-orientation” is normal and is part of the process of coming back to a natural harmony, just allow this feeling without fearing it. You can read this post – Staying surrendered to what is

  10. Isabella

    I like how you said that I don’t even have to understand the process for it to work. Sort of like gravity: it will pull you down even if you don’t understand it…
    I would like to ask you one more thing: do you think that dreams have messages for us and they try to guide us?
    I’m curious to know your thoughts on this.

    Thanks :))
    Isabella

    1. Sen Post author

      Isabella, dreams are indicative of your state of mind, a mind rooted in fear tends to have dreams that reflect fear, whereas a mind that has a low momentum of negativity is usually rooted in pleasant or ordinary dreams. Your “bad dreams” can be reflective of what kind of fears you have. Dream is just like a form of thinking, and you can gain understanding of your mind state as well as gain some inspiration from your dreams as you bring more awareness to it – like when you wake up if you spend a few minutes just staying with the re-collection of the dream.

  11. Isabella

    So just one quick question: if at the moment I am in a bad state, dealing with lots of negativity and fear (strong anxiety and OCD) , while my dreams do not reflect my reality! They are positive and clean and I feel well in them and see beautiful symbols and promising visions. Could this be an indication that the negativity is almost dissipated and has become mostly things that I can deal with consciously? I have been waiting for an inner transformation…

    1. Sen Post author

      Isabella, your dreams are always indicative of your dominant vibration – so even though your mind has some momentum of negativity, you dominant vibration right now seems to be one of ease and surrender, which is basically rooted in “love” and this is what is reflecting in your dreams. As you continue to stay in this space of allowing, your mind’s momentum of negativity will also ebb away since its no longer fueled by your own agitation. In a simple sense, when you let go you automatically fall into the grace of life, and thus no longer fuel the negativity of the mind, you are in such a place now.

  12. Isabella

    :) thank you sen, this gives me so much hope.

  13. Debbie

    Sen,

    In order to become more comfortable with the fear of uncertainty, I just took a comedy improvisation class. It’s a ton of fun and it teaches me to go with the flow, stay in the “now” and enjoy the uncertainty that lies ahead. I feel like I am jumping right into the fire, but I’m laughing the entire time.

    Deb

  14. Ron

    I have had OCD, depression and anxiety for most of my adult life. I always wondered if through all this suffering, had I grown any. I suppose I found an intellectual understanding of my problems but never really matured. In your article I can relate to the pseudo security. This is the life I have been living. I realize now that if I want to grow, want to transform myself to a more mature person, I need to not fear my mind or life. I need to face my fears fully, and not escape. This is what my CBT tells me, but your article on uncertainly clearly states this fact in a manner that is easy to relate to. Thanks for all your writings. They are so profound and yet simple to understand but of course difficult to live. We have so much baggage of negativity that is it hard to unlayer the onion of fears and regrets.

  15. Willy

    Sen, you said that d future is uncertain and the mind cant posibly tell wat it holds. So i wana ask, wat of some religious practisioners like prophets and soothsayers who talks about the future. How are they able to fortell the future and it hapenes as they predicted?

    1. Sen Post author

      Willy, one can’t ever predict the future accurately in terms of absolute specifics, but one can predict the “probability” of something happening by studying the present “vibration” and getting a sense of the type of reality this vibration is moving towards – several clairvoyants have the psychical ability to sense non-physical space and get a sense of how a certain reality is taking shape, but the person/community involved can change this vibration at any point (either consciously or unconsciously) and thus shift the events, thus its all probabilistic. Also, your day to day experiences can never be foretold in advance in any specifics, it’s always a mystery how your day will unfold or what events may take place, so uncertainty is the deal of life. When you make your priority to just be “aligned” and thus let your life-stream take care of orchestrating the events towards your well-being, you can rest in the security that things will always work out for you and are thus not afraid of the uncertainty of future.

  16. Stella

    Anyone else out there in internet land feel like this?

    Sen I wish you were a friend of mine in “real life”

    Thank-you.

    1. Anu

      That would be a privilge. Sen has been kind enough to devote him time and money without asking anything in return….how many people do I know like that ?

      I am glad I was able to find Sen. I ame across Sen’s posts middle of March – 2012 and I have already been able to quit anxiety medication and feel a whole lot better..probably best I have felt in last 15+ years….

  17. Stella

    Ooops- should have put my comment under “desire manifestation” article. You think I`m joking- I`m not : )

  18. Andy

    Dear Sen,
    At the moment I have a quite big problem in dealing with uncertainty and can’t really solve the problem.
    I decided to become a teacher and study at the moment to get the licence. I really enjoy teaching and explaining and interacting with people. I would say that I am quite an easy going person. Sometimes when I am in front of a bigger groupe it feels very easy for me and sometimes I feel a bit uncomfortable. Most of the time it is no problem and I think I first have to get used to it.
    But a couple of weeks ago I felt a bit uncomfortable in front of a group, my mind started to tell me, that it may was not the right decision to become a teacher I made out a big problem out of it. Like “what will be if you made the wrong decision and waste much time with studying now” or “maybe you will feel very bad in front of a class”.
    I realized that the more I try to calm down my mind, the less it helps. I also understand that I can never know what the future will bring, but feel very uncertainly.
    I really don’t know how to deal with this situation and my mind worrying all the time about making a wrong decision or going the wrong way, but on the other hand I would really want to go this way and become a teacher and maybe in a couple of years I will be happy as a teacher.
    Could you please help me how to do with it? Staying opened and let the worries go and the momentum dissolve? I really have no idea.
    Thank you very much,
    Andy

  19. Tyler

    Andy,

    If you look at your mind, you will notice it’s nature is about trying to find security/certainty that it will be okay. This process is really about being able to allow the uncertainty that you feel. As you have already mentioned you already understand that you can’t really be certain about what the future will bring. So what’s the point of trying to use up energy to solve a thought as “what if I made a wrong decision, will it be a waste of time”.

    It depends on where you are putting your energy. If you are putting energy into trying to stop or solve the fearful thoughts in your mind, then these fears gain power in your mind. Anyone with OCD thoughts will say that they can’t overcome it by trying to figure the thoughts out and solve them. If you allow the fear without trying to make it go away then it begins to loose its momentum (I will post articles where Sen talks about how this happens and also articles about allowing). Perhaps for you, at present, it would be best to understand what it means to stay open/letting go/allowing and see how, when done correctly, the mind looses its momentum.

    Articles:
    http://www.calmdownmind.com/the-basis-of-inner-freedom/
    http://www.calmdownmind.com/faq-on-the-state-of-allowing/
    http://www.calmdownmind.com/the-space-of-being/
    http://www.calmdownmind.com/overcoming-obsessive-thoughts/
    http://www.calmdownmind.com/reducing-mind-momentum-is-the-key/

    Regards
    Tyler

    1. Andy

      Hi Tyler,
      Very great to get an answer from you!
      I can really tell that it is a waste of energy trying to figure out my own thoughts and solve any kind of “problem”.
      I think I get the pointer and at present am trying to let go and don’t solve anything. Sometimes I can just let go without getting involved and even if I feel fear, it can play itself out and after this the feeling just goes away.
      Thoughts like this come quite often in my mind as I gave a lot of attention to them but I think the more I can let go, the less momentum they will have. Sometimes it is very hard to let go and I get envolved, but I hope that this is a matter of time to stay opened and needs some practice and patience.
      Do you think with this kind of understand I’m already on a good way?
      I will tell about the process here and let the readers know how it is going.
      Thanks a lot,
      Andy

    2. Tyler

      Andy,

      Sorry, I missed this comment a few months back. Ran across it the other day while scrolling through the comments of this post, and glad I had a chance to see it.

      Since, it has been close to three and a half months since your reply, I will comment based on the fact that you’ve had a few months to understand and work with this understanding.

      That’s indeed the understanding that is best that assists you as you go through this phase/transition and the early you develop the understanding the quicker that the phase of release can occur and the faster the waves of momentum can come up and dissipate. You will also notice the understanding about openness will not only be conceptual (mind level) but also it will be internalized in you at some point (if it hasn’t already). In the latter stages after most of the energy is released, openness is not just a way of releasing the energy but a way of being/living.

      Best of luck, and looking forward to hearing from ya in the future.
      Tyler.

  20. Mark

    Dear Sen,

    How about uncertainty in the past? My my mind is so scared of the uncertainty of someone’s past, which is my partner.

    1. Sen Post author

      Mark, reality is that you can’t ever interpret about someone’s past with any certainty, also, even if you do get information about someone’s past you would still have it “out of context”, and hence are liable to come to biased/colored conclusions based on how you, personally, want to interpret it. The past may be completely irrelevant to who the person is in the present, for example, as a kid you might have done things that you wouldn’t do as an adult, so would it be prudent to judge you based on what you did as a kid? What’s prudent is to work with the present. The past has relevance in terms of understanding a person’s past behavior, but one needs to have the openness to see him/her in their present aspect instead of judging them purely from their past behavior. For example, I can’t quite relate to who I was just 2 years back, the immaturity or lack of awareness that I had was so different from the awareness I have right now.

      You need to have the openness to experience what is in the “present”, without constantly worrying about the past of the person. If your present behavior of the person towards you is aligned with you, there is no reason for you to keep interrogating into his/her past.

  21. Michael

    My apologies in advance for asking another question, Sen. Seeing as how a reply may take 15 minutes or so to type up, I’ll donate a couple dollars to the site when I’m done typing this.

    The past week or 2, I feel like a total ghost. It’s as if I don’t belong on Earth because I’m “different” or something along those lines (maybe it’s a vibration?). I don’t want to talk to anybody and it’s as if I don’t know how. I’ve never been mega outgoing, but not completely socially “retarded” either. I never have anything to say to my Mother except “Yeah…..mhmm”, etc.

    Today I went to the next city over to buy some stuff for a new room I’ll be inhabiting (because I want to be alone) and on the drive there, I was quite anxious – shallow breathing, a mild numb feeling, and couldn’t swallow because my throat was tight and dry. I didn’t try and fight that off, because I was aware of how counterproductive that would be.

    When in the stores, I didn’t try and put on a confident “front” of standing upright, smiling, having a fake swagger in my step, because that too was not genuine. Even standing around I had tears in my eyes (not crying or sad tears), I think they just get there when I feel intimidated. I felt intimidated because it was like how I am in my current state is what is being presented to the world. I’m not a confident, happy, man at the moment, I’m a sad, bored, and frustrated adolescent. Without all of the shields of fakeness, I felt completely exposed.

    There were a lot of gorgeous girls (not women, they were younger than me) around the stores and I just felt like complete crap walking by them, as if they were somehow better than me. I can see through those patterns of thinking now, as it was just my negative withdrawals or whatever you may call them which made me all sluggish.

    The problem that is plaguing my mind is about Summer. Summer starts in about 7 weeks or so and I’m pretty much a loner. Last Summer was really fun – I started talking to a girl, went on a fun trip, had people over, etc. I’m very worried that this Summer is gonna suck because of negativity withdrawals and having nothing to do because of having 1 friend (whom you may as well count as 0). I keep thinking that 2 months isn’t enough time for anything good to come into my life and that there’s nothing I can do about it.

    On the plus side, I am not running looking for any pseudo-security. I’m not messaging my old friends, I’m not begging anyone to hang out with me, I’m not trying to force any of these feelings away (even though they are very unpleasant) and I’m not trying to fake anything that isn’t genuine. I do keep wondering why I ask so many questions on here – of course I’m not very experienced in this, so it’s only natural to want some answers, but it’s not like I am seeking an understanding based on what’s written.

    For example, not everything you write on here resonates with me and that’s fine. It’s not like “so and so is true because Sen said so” it’s more so a matter of reading a lot of things and the pieces that I find interesting become an understanding, then become internalized.

    Anyways, I’ve rambled on long enough. The site donation isn’t a “bribe” to get you to reply, more so out of appreciation. Thanks for the awesome site and all of your help.

    1. Lander

      Hi Michael.

      It seems, from here, that you are doing great job in detox, it is exactly how detox can feel like in a reading of half-dazed mind in a transition phase – when one doesn’t have enough strength to fake oneself anymore, and when pull of introspection and transition itself is too strong. One can highly fear this situation, it truly ~sucks~, one can feel highly dysfunctional and passive suddenly, with sense of lost control, with fear of uncertainty of what is taking place..

      Good thing is that you do allow, and are aware of all unpleasantness of this period, staying open and without judging them. As it is something that needs to be burn through, so its good to not identify with this ~dysfunctional~ and ~inadequate~ reality at the moment, but stay close to your inner field, for now.

      As Sen say ~ there’s no shortcut in this, what started to change will change inevitably, and it will be unpleasant.. Also, if you can sense yourself deeply, it is sure that you will find how absolutely safe and secure you feel about this important and crucial change that is happening in your life. Stick with it. Just stay sincere and open to it.

    2. Sen Post author

      Michael, you will have to come to terms with the fact that you are on an individual journey, as are everyone else, and each of us is at different phases of growth as a being. Whatever experience you are going through currently is what’s required for your “current” growth, in your individual journey. There is no point in comparing and asking, “why me”, “why can’t I be having a hip time like xyz” – that basically is just a self-pity induced thinking which though is justified from the perspective of comparison but has not real value in terms of adding anything to your growth.

      It’s very normal to feel the need for some “isolation” during the this phase of release and growth in awareness (it’s like you wanting to spend time with yourself in a bid to connect more deeply with your inner space, after having spend lifetimes of being externally focused lost to the outside pull of distractions). The part about feeling “crummy” is simply a required phase in the de-construction of your ego-force, so that it can get balanced out – this process is not about “egoic positivity” or developing some sense of “ego based confidence”, rather it’s a process of coming to a balanced ego which has a sense of humility along with a sense of power. For now, just be totally allowing of this sense of feeling powerless and inferior, don’t try to “repair” your ego, just allow this de-construction to happen, at one point the ego-force will just break down in intensity and you will sense an inner freedom towards your own ego (this is a place of true power and confidence, what I would call a balanced confidence).

      Of course, you can follow what resonates with you and let go of what doesn’t, just ensure that you are not doing this from a place of fear, where you are simply trying to avoid what feels uncomfortable to your current awareness, in which case you may simply be avoiding the allowance of a required growth in your understanding/awareness.

  22. Michael

    Lander – Thank you for replying. Have you gone through the phase of release yet? There’s so much unpleasantness and other than being able to see through all of these falsehoods, not much good has come out of it yet. It’s a bit hard to stick with it, as I’m impatient. I certainly don’t want Summer to suck

  23. Michael

    Thank you Sen, the “individual journey” pointer has now been driven home for me. I am a bit confused on the attitude I am supposed to have in regards to that, though. Obviously I want to have fun and experiences (I’m never going to try and kid myself into thinking that I don’t), yet during this release, there seems to be a helplessness like “I want xyz now and I can’t have it” and a future pursuit like “When this release is over I will be able to have xyz”.

    I can see through these patterns, yet the confusion is still there. Obviously I will let whatever comes up be there, but do I just wait for the inner wholeness to grow before those thought patterns’ momentum disappear? I think it’s pretty natural for those thoughts to be there, especially because I dislike my life situation very much, but there still seems to be a neediness attached on there.

    1. Sen Post author

      Michael, basically the problem is not with thoughts but about the sense of freedom we have towards them – for ex, the desire to have more money is not a problem, however if you feel a sense of desperation (or if you keep acting from a place of desperation) or if you keep trying to suppress your desire, they are both forms of a lack of freedom. The state of inner wholeness involves the mindset of balance and the foundation of inner freedom, they are both what you consciously attain.

  24. Lander

    Hi Michael.

    Yes, i did. Thing is that your mind is in kind of trap: it can’t figure, can’t get it sooner, can’t escape it, so there are 2 ways to it – mind can oppose it, or surrender to it, (let go of control) It naturally fears it, and when you identify with its fears – it means more time through release, so more pain and suffer. Stop identifying with mind needs, stop trying to soothe its fears, stop opposing present thoughts or feelings you have, just surrender by allowing it all within to just be.

    You can’t figure it now, and its not needed, process is maintained intelligently, if you allow you will be pushed forward easily. And you will be directed toward right attitude as well, means you will have to transcend all childish attitude, all impatience, arrogance, fears, narrow perspectives and approaches to life – no more no less, just all of it.

    Its beautiful that you don’t have to do anything about it, beside having right attitude- one of willingness to be honest to yourself, and openness towards this process, as you already know that faking it is not really option here, because you overgrew this old perspective in a way, or you wouldn’t be here, right?

    And it will all settle on its own, after some time, if you agree within, on your part, on this transition and if you are open to this change.

    1. Michael

      Lander – This may be a mildly unrelated reply, but you seem like someone to ask questions to, due to your apparent progress. What is your take on social situations currently? Am I to understand that interactions with inner wholeness will just be free of the resistances such as wanting to please people, nervousness, desperation, etc.? Obviously one does not become a social wizard overnight, but as for the foundation behind these interactions, I have quite little insight on right now.

  25. Lander

    Hey Michael,

    Its not about becoming social wizard, actually it is not about becoming anything, it is more to allow unique experience of life itself, from place of wholeness and through unique settings of your being.

    The wholeness is already present within you, it is not something mind have to reach, it is something the mind is surrendering to, relaxing into, balance into. Its why is impossible for mind to understand this state, and in most cases it will restlessly try to figure out place of inner wholeness, but there is really no way that it will get it before you relax your focus from it first, so it balance itself, within wholeness, and lose its domination over you (after past emotional momentum gets released).

    And when balance of light and dark nature within you is established, you then interact with reality from this place of balance-wholeness, where now you have sense of stability and inner power but also sensitivity and wisdom. Thing is that one doesn’t have to master any social skill to live a life from place of wholeness, same as having high social skills doesn’t help your being more balanced, state of balance is completely inner state, totally independent from anything exterior or any interaction even, but if there is interest and requirement for such developing within balanced being, it can master it without resistances, as free movement, choice.

    Social experiences and skills are just part of physical living, they have its place and its a unique experience for each of us, depending upon specific requirements of our being in present moment, to develop certain aspects and social skills, that are required from inner being, aligned with our nature.When you move from this motivation, from wholeness, and not mind imbalances anymore, same as mind can’t dominate your being anymore, same way external circumstances and interactions can’t really dominate you, disturb you from place of inner freedom/inner independence/inner wholeness.

    So try not to take seriously mind imaginations about it all, simply because this way you give unconscious power to mind/negative ego images, and expectations to fit those images, which are deluded in essence, so it just means more resistances to this process. But this is also perfectly normal for mind to do, it is just natural way of this balancing, highly confusing to mind at times and its just how it works – it burns itself and fall into place.

    1. Michael

      Thank you for replying, Lander. Unlike months prior, I don’t view this process as some method to become “mega popular” or some other distraction/delusion. So I guess what I can gather from your reply is that in wholeness, when new people and situations arise in my reality, I can react with wisdom and power, without coming across as needy or anything else like in the past, and these interactions will be used as a learning experience, if the desire to become more socially skilled is what I end up desiring?

      It’s hard to not conjure up a likely deluded imagination of what it will be like as well as not projecting this “achievement” into the future.

    2. Lander

      Maybe I missed to say that from my experience, the main difference I recognize (comparing myself year ago and now) is that is even I thought in past that I don’t have any major social issues/ difficulties, from this perspective it seems as I hardly had any interaction, really. I was blind into my own deluded perception, belief and fear.

      So interaction with outside is something totally new, (I was isolated during this period of transition year and half), and there is now new understanding, more deep then before, new sensitivity/openness towards everything, without separation. Its unique and I established it first with nature, and within my space at home/kid/dog.

      There is no resistance from interaction in general, and I follow inspiration or any requirement in present time (responsibilities). Being responsible is now part of interaction. It is experience of interaction itself, not old/ego/fear-based/roles/acting interaction.

      Social situations are just as any other situations with interaction, where you chose the way you interacting to it, from your present understanding, awareness, desire, requirements.

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